The Cooper Neglect Theory
by madamocho
Summary: Amy Farrah Fowler says she stopped wearing lip gloss because Sheldon thought that her mouth looked too slippery.What was the logic behind that? Why was Tiny Twister a bust but Giant Jenga not? What was on those recordings of Sheldon After Dark? How do you get a man like Sheldon to appreciate a good woman like Amy? These questions and more will be answered here. Shamy.
1. Chapter 1

**The Cooper Neglect Theory**

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**A/N: This story starts after The Extract Obliteration (6x6) and before The Spoiler Alert Segmentation (6x15)  
**

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**Chapter 1: The Viscosity Deception**

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Sheldon was horribly outnumbered by hostile biologists.

The little one was blond fury incarnate. A tiny wrathful hurricane you could hear coming fifty miles away. The kind that flattened nerdy boys like trailer parks and left terror and destruction in her wake. Hurricane Bernadette was a solid category 5 on the Saffir-Simpson hurricane wind scale. Being from coastal Texas, the chances of hurricanes were ever-present, and Sheldon was wise enough to fear them.

On his other side the slightly taller one, a force of nature in her own right. But as the little one blustered and raged, the storm system he was more acquainted with just stood there deceptively quiet. But as he looked closer, past those distracting lips, he witnessed a quiet rolling storm with flashes of green lightning shooting his way. When the lightning flashed you could see anger and… was that disappointment?

Sheldon's friends had taken shelter on the safety of the couch. They weren't stupid enough to come to his defense. To quote Spock, "The needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few or the one." Especially if the one brought all this down upon himself. They had all weathered storms before in the past, but rarely two at the same time.

Sheldon glanced back at the tiny but deadly hurricane, over a foot shorter than him but making him feel the size of one of her microscopic experiments. But what was worse was the way Amy looked at him. He could never read body language well, but he was improving. And he could tell it was not going to go well for him. Why do things like this always happen to him? He didn't do anything. This sounds like Penny's doing.

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Earlier that evening, Amy felt just like a princess from a fairytale. A smoking hot, slightly whorish princess. She turned her head to and fro, smiling and pouting alternately at Penny's makeup mirror. She finally tore her eyes from the goddess in the mirror and beamed at the other heavily painted women on the short aqua couch. Tonight's girl's night debauchery was headquartered in Penny's apartment. They had almost polished off their second bottle of wine and the girls' moods were light and giggly. Penny was powdering Bernadette's face with a large brush with sweeping strokes. Amy couldn't resist the call of the mirror and checked herself out again. Of course she was no Penny, but she couldn't help but marvel at the vision of loveliness before her. Amy loved what Bernadette had done to her eyes. She had applied a smoky looking eye shadow that seemed to make her luminous green eyes pop even behind her glasses. Her lips would shame cherries, they were so red and glossy and her cheeks were like roses in bloom. She reluctantly looked up from the mirror and smiled at her tarted up and glittery friends. "This isn't something I would apply every day but it's nice to get glammed up once in a while."

Bernadette agreed. "This is more for a night out on the town, not for working in the lab. There are some more natural makeup techniques that almost look like your not even wearing makeup. A little powder here, a little gloss there and you'll have to knock the men off of you with a stick."

"There's only one man that I'm trying to impress." Amy thought fondly of her boyfriend, across the hall. She puckered up her glittery lips, her eyes kept being drawn to the sparkle. "Do you know the reason why humans are drawn to shiny objects? It's because we associate shiny things with sunlight reflecting off water. It is deep in our basic nature to seek out sources of water in order to survive."

"You mean if I apply glitter to the girls," Penny motioned to her breasts, "when guys stare at them it makes them thirsty?"

"Amy and Bernadette looked at each other sharing their, "Penny tries" look to each other then at Penny. "Not exactly."

"Just checking. Well let's go show off our new looks to the boys!" Penny grabbed her wine glass and took a big swig. The girls stood up and advanced towards the sound of shouting and gunfire.

* * *

Apartment 4A was a chaotic battlefield. Cries for help and enemy locations flew across the room. The boys were so involved in the slaughter in front of them, they didn't notice the three seductresses enter.

"I need a health pack!" Leonard was frantically running for cover weaving away from the combat.

"Watch the sniper in the northwest building!"

"I'm running low on ammo!"

Sheldon was distracted by something out of the corner of his eye. "I'm pinned down! Can someone… help…me?" His attention was yanked from the heated battle to the woman lingering in the doorway.

As Sheldon's character was blown to smithereens, he took in every captivating feature of his lovely brunette vixen. The sounds of battle faded away, replaced with only his pulse whooshing through his ears. His eyes were drawn to the scarlet shimmer of Amy's lips. It first brought to mind the dazzling red of Iron Man's armor, though he never could recall being this excited about Robert Downey Jr. He envisioned candy apples and red vines and was deciding if Amy's lips were just as sweet when those lips started moving and forming words he was unable to comprehend. "Uh… pardon?"

"I asked how do you like it?" Amy turned her head from side to side then fixed Sheldon with a seductive grin.

Sheldon could feel his IQ level drop to double digits when those lips curled into that smile. His thoughts were as scattered as the bits of his Halo character that he had abandoned. A few moments into this pleasurable Hell he started to break free from her siren's song. _This would never do, to be rendered speechless by a set of perfectly pigmented lips. He was Sheldon Lee Cooper, man of science and reason. He will not be undone by the wiles of this vixen and her bewitching ruby lips._

"That seems like an awful lot of makeup." Sheldon's eyes glanced everywhere but her lips as he swallowed hard.

Amy's smile crumbled. "You don't like it? Any of it? It would only be for going out on date night or evening activities."

Sheldon began imagining scandalous "evening activities" that they had never before engaged in but he was beginning to think about unwillingly. If she brought those painted lips along with her on a date, it would only be a matter of time before he was forced to explore them. _He would be kissing her within the month! Declarations of love, then coitus would soon follow. Marriage, 2.5 kids, a house with a white picket fence and a couple cats. How was he going to raise 2.5 children?! _He had to put an end to it. Now.

"But you look so much better without all that war paint. I think you look tolerable the way you normally are. It really is…distracting."

Amy shot him a withering look. "Sheldon, I do this to feel pretty. I was hoping you liked it."

Sheldon knew the problem was he liked it a little too much. "You don't need any of that stuff to look… um."

Amy's breath caught in her throat. "To look…"

Sheldon's gaze dropped to his hands, white knuckles clutching the game controller. "To look… fine. You look just fine without it."

Amy slumped, her good mood disappearing instantly. The gang had witnessed the whole exchange and felt bad for Amy. She had struck out once again. The other girls shot a look at Sheldon that caused him to wither in his spot. Amy pushed past Penny and Bernie and headed back to the safety of 4B. They trailed behind her wake.

* * *

"I should have known better, Sheldon can't handle that much change in one night." Amy started to roughly wipe her offending lips with a tissue.

Bernadette was inaudibly grumbling under her breath but the words "jerk" and "pain in the ass" came through. "Alright, let's start from scratch. Let me show you how to apply a more subtle look."

Amy's face was cleaned and awaiting Bernadette like a fresh canvas ready for the artist. It didn't take long for Bernie to finish the job. She handed Amy the mirror.

It was hard to tell she had any makeup on. She appeared dewy and vibrant with just a hint of lip gloss for shine. It was perfect.

* * *

As it was getting late, it was time to head home. Bernadette and Amy went next door to collect Howard. Since the girls had planned on a night of drinking Howard was driving Amy home as well. Halo had been abandoned for the night and the boys were having a lively discussion on why Marvel was trouncing DC on the amount of superhero movies.

"Marvel has been turning out decent, entertaining movies that have done well at the box office, unlike DC who had Green Lantern, Jonah Hex, Man of Steel and Catwoman." Leonard argued.

"Even Halle couldn't save Catwoman." Raj nodded

All eyes turned to Amy and Bernadette as they entered the apartment and interrupted the lively debate. Both women had their arms crossed over their chests, and stony faces. Howard, Raj and Leonard instantly knew to take cover, and shrank in their seats.

"So Sheldon, I scrubbed off most of my 'war paint' as you called it, is this acceptable?" Amy's shiny pink lips were set in a grimace.

Sheldon's eyes were drawn to her glossy pout. The light in the room bounced off and enhanced those irresistible lips. _ How in the world was he going to be able to perform day to day activities when he would be distracted by those juicy beguiling lips? The field of physics is going to suffer and as a result mankind will as well. It was time to end this once and for all. For the betterment of humanity of course. _He rose and walked behind the couch to talk some sense into her. He took note of the crossed arms and unsmiling faces of the two women and had a hard time placing the exact emotion conveyed there. It probably wasn't good. Nevertheless, for the good of science, he continued onward.

"I have no idea why a brilliant woman such as your self, feels the need to bend to societal pressure and put goop all over your face." His eyes averted her face, so he didn't witness her expression as he finished crushing his girlfriend's fragile ego. "And it makes your lips look…slippery."

Sheldon's attention was captured by his male counterpart's collective low groan. He looked over at them. It seemed like Rajesh and Howard were becoming one with the soft brown leather of the couch. Leonard in his chair had his hand resting on his brow, and was looking into his lap, shaking his head. _Am I missing something? _

Bernadette strode over to Sheldon and looked up at him. Hands on hips, she didn't hold back. "Hey! Your girlfriend came over to ask what you thought of her makeover, and all you can say to her is that she has goop on her face? You just couldn't think of saying anything nice to her. I don't think you understand how much you hurt her feelings! She doesn't deserve to be treated this way!"

Sheldon's eyes were as big as saucers as he gaped at the little woman shaking with rage. "But…"

"But nothing! You should apologize for your hurtful comments. All she wanted was for you to notice her."

Sheldon turned his gaze to Amy. She was still standing with her arms folded over her chest, but she appeared more deflated than earlier, her normally hunched shoulders even more so.

"So I need to apologize to Amy, even if I find the use of makeup appalling and unnecessary and prefer her normal naked lips?"

Amy's head snapped up at the interesting choice of the word "naked" her boyfriend used.

Sheldon noticed a shift in demeanor in Amy. He then realized what he had said. His face colored.

"It's called being nice Sheldon! Would it have killed you to compliment her once in a while?" Bernadette was still outraged, but had dropped her voice to a low roar.

Sheldon shuffled his feet a little, cleared his throat and looked Amy in the eye. "Amy, I don't know what brought on this sudden interest in cosmetics. One of the reasons you intrigued me was how you're not obsessed by your appearance like normal women." He smiled at her.

He was surprised that his compliment was so effective. Amy stood there with her mouth dropped open apparently in awe of his kind words. He turned to Bernadette and flinched. She looked even fiercer than she had a moment ago. His friends and acquaintance groaned quietly.

Amy stood up, squared her shoulders and cleared her throat. "I think we're done here." She marched to the door of 4A and flung it open. Without closing the door, they heard her stomping down the stairs.

"Howie!" Bernadette looked at her husband.

"Right behind you." Howard was so relieved it wasn't him in trouble this time he was almost giddy. "Good luck Sheldon, you're going to need it." He hustled to keep up with his fuming wife and closed the door behind him.

* * *

They found Amy waiting at the car, quietly stewing and pacing back and forth. Howard unlocked the car and they all sat down and buckled up.

"I was one minute away from tackling that self-absorbed son of a bitch!" Bernie spit out between clenched teeth.

"We know." Howard patted her hand reassuringly.

Amy shook her head defeated. "It was my fault, I shouldn't have expected too much from Sheldon, he hates any type of change, and doesn't know how to express himself without coming of sounding…"

"Like a complete jackass?" Bernadette offered. "Listen, I know he is socially inept. I've told Howie to lay off of him numerous times because he doesn't know any better. But his mom must have tried to instill some type of good manners in him. I think most of the time he just doesn't try to be polite out of pure arrogance."

Amy shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe."

"If I were you, I'd give him the silent treatment. Choice number one would be no sex but…" Bernie trailed off. Her husband gave her a sideways glance.

"No, that won't work. Sheldon and I can be alone in a room for hours and he loves it." Amy muttered.

"Ladies, ladies, you are going about this all wrong." Howard smirked as he thought of an idea. "I've known Sheldona long time, and I know what will get his goat. The silent treatment won't work, neither will yelling at him or pleading with him. There is only one way to get an egotist like Sheldon's attention."

The girls hung on his every word.

"Ignore him."

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**A/N: Oh Sheldon. Open mouth, insert foot. I honestly think that Sheldon is clueless in many social situations. However I believe his mother probably taught him good manners, he just doesn't feel the need to use them. Please feel free to review if you like. **


	2. Chapter 2

**The Cooper Neglect Theory **

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**A/N: Thank you everyone for your outpouring of reviews, favorites and follows!**

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**Chapter 2: The Covert Recalibration Pact  
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The advice Howard had just given Amy still seemed to hang in the air. _Ignore him._ She wasn't sure she was up to the task. She was completely enamored of the tall, handsome man, and ignoring him seemed more harmful to her, than him. She needed some clarification. "Now Howard, when you said to ignore him, what exactly did you mean?"

Howard's eyes darted from his driving to flick a quick glance at her in the rearview mirror. "It doesn't seem like it but Sheldon thrives on attention. He says he wants to be alone and abhors social situations, but having people around is necessary to prove his brilliance. What's the big deal if you're always right when you can't rub it in the faces of the people who are 'always wrong'?"

Bernadette twisted around in her seat to address Amy. "Howie has a point. You need to stop feeding that ego of his. You have the right to stand up for yourself and have your feelings validated. You always seem ready to bend over backwards for that man, and he doesn't give an inch!"

Howard stopped at a red light and inclined his head back at Amy. "You don't have to totally cut him out of your life. Though I say run when you have the chance." He gave a little laugh that Amy did not return. "Anyway, what I suggest is to not hang on his every word. Call him on his nonsense. Do things together that you want to do because it makes **you** happy. If Sheldon has a lame excuse not to do it, leave him home. Play hard to get. Find things to do that don't necessarily involve him in the first place. Make him notice you. Make him realize what he's missing by being an arrogant schmuck."

Amy thought about this. It did seem that she didn't get as much as she gave in this relationship. She won very few battles with Sheldon. She usually just gave in to his whims because it was easier than arguing over trivial things. Maybe it was time to draw a line in the sand and stand up for herself. She clapped her hands together and addressed the tiny couple in the front seats. "Alright let's do this. Any suggestions on how to start?" The married couple glanced at each other with evil grins.

* * *

Sheldon stood where Amy had left him, unsure of what had just happened. He knew she hadn't looked happy, but didn't think she would leave so abruptly. He looked over at his two remaining friends. "What was all that about?"

Leonard and Raj looked at one another, and then looked at their clueless friend. Leonard began. "Well you insulted your girlfriend several times, crushed her spirit and then insulted her some more. Then through pure dumb luck, Bernadette didn't climb up your body and rip your head off before your girlfriend stormed out of the apartment." He looked over at Raj.

"I had that impression as well." Raj was nodding in agreement.

"I don't understand how things went wrong so fast." Sheldon was frowning, trying to recollect the evening's conversations.

Raj stroked his chin in mock thought. "Hmmm, Leonard pretend you are woman, who wants to get some much needed attention from your boyfriend. You come by to see him after applying make up to make yourself more attractive to him and he calls it 'goop' and 'war paint'. How would that make you feel?"

"Well Raj, I would probably not feel too good about my appearance after that. Also I would object to being called 'tolerable' looking or 'just fine' looking." Leonard said matter of factly.

"Agreed. And to call your lips slippery? What can you think of that's slippery?" Raj pondered.

"Oil, slime, grease…" Leonard trailed off.

"This is preposterous!" Sheldon spat out. He turned to Leonard "You've been spending too much time with an over emotional woman and you," he turned to Raj, "I don't even know what your problem is."

Raj and Leonard looked at each other. Leonard was the one stroking his chin now. "Hmmm. I wonder why Amy stormed out. It couldn't be Sheldon's fault could it? He's not condescending or insulting, is he?"

"Not in the least."

"It must be all her fault. Because as you know, Sheldon is always right and therefore never has the need to apologize." Leonard turned his attention back to his frazzled roommate.

Sheldon looked at him with an expression of disbelief on his face. "With the exception of my mother, I have apologized to Amy, more than I have ever apologized to anyone else in my life. Even if half the time I didn't mean it."

Leonard rolled his eyes. "See, this is the reason you are in this situation with Amy right now. You're in a love triangle. You, Amy and your arrogance."

"See, I told you before, Captain Arroganto." Raj nodded.

"We had decided on Dr. Arroganto." Sheldon looked at Raj with disgust. "But that's beside the point. If Amy didn't like my… self confidence wouldn't she have left a long time ago?"

"That woman has the patience of a saint! I have no idea what she sees in you. But you can only treat someone poorly for so long before they decide that enough is enough. Are you willing to risk losing Amy because you need to be right all the time?" Raj asked pointedly.

"But tonight had nothing to do with being right it had to do with the fact that her lips were too…" Sheldon caught himself at the last second and bit the last word off before it left his traitorous mouth. _Tempting. That was what you were just going to blurt out wasn't it Cooper? Shut the heck up! _

Leonard tilted his head questioningly. "Her lips were too what?"

"Nothing. Forget I said anything. Yes it was all due to my arrogance. Nothing else." Sheldon was looking at his shoes, face beet red.

Raj's eyes opened wide with understanding. He addressed Leonard. "I think that Sheldon found Amy's newly decorated lips a little too… stimulating." He smiled broadly and looked at Sheldon.

Sheldon's head snapped up and he meant to give Raj a stern look of dissent, but instead he looked like a scared animal caught in a trap. His voice quavered with his denial. "That's preposterous! What complete and utter nonsense!" His hand went to the back of the couch to steady his suddenly unsteady knees.

Leonard was sold on the idea as well. He looked at Sheldon with a big grin. "The Doctor doth protest too much, methinks." He chuckled then addressed Sheldon kindly. "Sheldon, I don't know why you think admitting that you have feelings for Amy is nonsense, but it is a perfectly natural and normal emotion. Almost everyone experiences it at least once in their life. It is a common occurrence"

"Leonard, I am far from 'common'. I am an exceptional man of science and intellect. The kind of mind that comes along once, maybe twice in a generation. I am not a hippie, I am not in love, and I am nobody's snuggle bunny!"

"So you are dead set against any type of romantic or physical relationship with Amy?" Leonard was frowning now thinking of poor Amy.

"Um. Absolutely." Sheldon sounded anything but absolute.

Leonard continued. "Keeping in mind that even though Amy has been incredibly understanding, she may want to leave if she knows she has zero chance of intimacy with you. And a one hundred percent chance of you being a jerk."

Sheldon glowered at him. "She would never leave me."

"Are you so sure?"

Sheldon thought back to a few weeks prior. The time of the whole Fun with Flags dustup with Wil Wheaton. He had been talking to Penny about advice regarding girls, when she offered him a Long Island iced tea. After downing the first glass of tea, he had a moment of clarity. It was then he realized he was a callous egomaniac and that she was going to leave him. Then just as quickly it was gone and he was back to his normal way of thinking. He couldn't remember much after that, but he recalled how for a split second he experienced the icy realization that one day Amy may leave him. That same bitter chill hit him now.

"No."

The answer surprised Raj and Leonard. They thought Sheldon was firmly entrenched in his denial. Maybe there was hope after all.

Sheldon watched his finger as it traced concentric circles on the cool leather of the couch back. "So out of idle curiosity what do you propose I do to keep Amy Farrah Fowler in my life?"

* * *

The evening was full of plotting and planning. Team Sheldon worked on a way to make Sheldon more appreciative and less condescending. The process itself was an uphill battle that left all involved drained and exhausted. Leonard and Raj knew that Sheldon cared deeply for Amy, and that he deserved happiness. Too bad he wouldn't admit that to himself. They agreed not to let what transpired that night leave 4A. They especially would not tell Penny, who could not keep a secret if her life depended on it.

Team Amy made a similar pact. They came up with many scenarios and ways to set Amy up for complete and utter relationship domination. That idea was mostly from Bernadette. Amy didn't want to dominate her boyfriend, she loved him. She just wanted to hold her own again like during the earlier days of their friendship. Before the rose colored glasses manufactured by Dr. Cooper were permanently affixed to her face. They of course would not tell another soul about their plot. Especially Penny, the blond blabbermouth.

* * *

The next morning at work, Amy was alerted by the ping of a text message. It was from Sheldon.

**S- I'm sorry that you felt I insulted your appearance last night.**

Amy frowned at the "you felt" part of the message. Her thumbs went to work.

**A-That would have been a nice sentiment, Sheldon, except for the "you felt" portion.**

_She was being improbable. This was going to be more work than he had expected._

**S-I'm sorry you feel that way. I apologize. So I was wondering if you could please take me to the model train store tonight. There is a lecture on train maintenance that I am very interested in. Then afterwards we can go pick up a pizza.**

**A- Did you feel that was an adequate apology? Because I surely didn't. I am pleasantly surprised that you used the word please but I'm sorry Sheldon. That doesn't sound like anything I'm interested in doing tonight. In fact, I think I am going to pick up a gyro for dinner tonight and watch the first few episodes of the BBC production of Pride and Prejudice.**

**S- Greek food Amy! Why? Pride and Prejudice? The night spent with you drooling over some British glamour boy? There is no way I wish to partake in that kind of evening.**

**A- I didn't ask you to Sheldon. This will be me spending a quiet night at home. Alone.**

Sheldon was taken aback. He wasn't invited over? He tried again to let Amy bask in the sun that is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

**S- Alright so tonight is not good. How about tomorrow night we go to a lecture on wormholes in the Baxter lecture hall?**

**A- I already have plans Sheldon. Sam, Mike and George from my lab invited me to go out. Need to get back to work. We'll talk this weekend. Bye.**

Sheldon stared at the phone in his hand shocked. First he apologized and said please but she simply shrugged off his attempt to be sincere. Then she failed to invite him over for a tedious night of estrogen soaked television and disgusting Greek food. It sounded like nothing he would be interested in, but she didn't even invite him over. Then he was turned down again for the likes of Sam, Mike and George? Who in the hell were they? He pictured Amy in her lab coat surrounded by doltish oiled up muscle men in Speedos, adjusting her microscope and looking worshipfully at her. He thought back to the times he visited Amy at her lab, and tried to remember conversations about her day. It was then that he regretted paying more attention to the TV or his phone, then his girlfriend's prattling conversation. _Drat._ He could only remember one woman named Micah at Amy's lab. That was not helpful. He fretted about this all morning until he realized he was late for lunch.

At lunch he was doodling a containment field for a small wormhole but thinking of Amy. It was almost time to head to the basement and escape from his overactive brain for 20 minutes. He sorely needed that. To not think about Amy's male entourage, British heart throbs or disgusting Greek cuisine. He was curt to his friends and left for the solitude of the basement.

The next evening the wormhole lecture was forgotten. Sheldon's evening was spent by obsessively tracking any bit of social media he could that may have a hint of what Amy was up to tonight. Her Facebook page gave nothing away about a night out or where she was going to be. No photos popped up on Instagram either. He stalked her friends list to glean any bit of information possible, but there was maddeningly little information. He was so involved he didn't even notice that Leonard was home. Leonard was stewing over Penny's history class partner. Sheldon had his own problems tonight, and he was trying to improve his relationship with Amy not Leonard, but he listened to his problem and thought he was helpful. He then went back to his own problem. _Finally!_ Amy had just checked into a place called Club Temptation. The name made Sheldon go pale as he noted the address and went to get his bus pants on. He would put an end to this nonsense once and for all.

**A/N: So you remember The 43 Peculiarity, season six, episode 8? Do you remember how Amy was not in the episode at all? This is why! Dun Dun Da! Feel free to review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**The Cooper Neglect Theory **

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**A/N: Thanks again for all the reviews, follows and favorites. If you can't tell, I'm a sucker for season 6. So where we last left off Sheldon was on his way to protect his woman…**

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**Chapter 3: The XY Abundance**

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_Maybe this was not such a good idea after all._

Club Temptation stood before him, awash in neon drink signs in the windows and putting out a throbbing dance beat that Sheldon felt rattling in his rib cage.

Sheldon knew he was way out of his element. He preferred to be surrounded by equations and scientific laws, not drunken, inappropriately dressed, hooligans.

He was disturbed that his girlfriend would go out to this den of inequity with strange men from her lab, rather than attend a fascinating talk about wormholes with him. He thought about the plans he made with his friends on the night of the whole lip gloss debacle. So far the advice that Raj and Leonard had given him had been utter mumbo jumbo. It hadn't worked whatsoever. He had apologized to Amy and even used the word please, but his honeyed words fell on her deaf ears. So she would rather spend the evening with Sam, George and Mike huh? The relationship agreement clearly stated that neither party was allowed to have physical contact with anyone other than each other. Was he worried that she would break her promise to him? An alien feeling rose out of nowhere: self doubt. He trusted Amy more than anyone else except for maybe Leonard. He assumed she would be able to stay away from temptation. But a tiny thought niggled at the back of his mind. Amy had hinted at a physical relationship for a while. What if she found someone who was willing to give her the carnal experience she desired and that he couldn't give her at this time? If ever. The other scenario he dreaded was that Amy Farrah Fowler was such an interesting and stimulating person, other men would have a hard time keeping their filthy hands to themselves. And Sheldon wouldn't allow any low down polecats mauling his woman.

* * *

Sheldon approached the door just as the booming music stopped. He entered and a bored looking, muscled man behind a counter appraised Sheldon. He wore a tight, black t-shirt with the club name emblazoned across his broad chest.

Sheldon approached the counter. "Hello, I'm looking for someone."

"Well you came to the right place my friend!" The man smiled at him. "$10 cover and I guarantee you will not be going home alone tonight." He winked at Sheldon.

Sheldon's brows knit together. "Excuse me?"

"Have you been to Club Temptation before?" The burly man asked him. At Sheldon's blank expression he continued. "We have a reputation of being the best hook up joint in town. A good looking dude like you should have no problem finding some company tonight." He grinned at Sheldon.

Sheldon's heart froze in his chest. He had been around Penny enough to know what the phrase "hooking up" meant. What type of situation had Amy gotten herself into? Did she know the reputation of this place before coming her with lab "friends"? Without a word, he plunked down $10 and in return received a hand stamp of a lightning bolt that surely was indelible ink and would probably never come off. A small price to pay for Amy's safety.

* * *

He made his way to the crowded club area. A small stage with a cat walk stood front and center. The room was full of loud conversations and laughter with the occasional clink of glassware. He scanned the dimly lit room for Amy. He had swept the room with his eyes twice and had walked the entire room once and didn't see her. His shoulders were tight and his stomach squirmed. _Did she leave already? Did she leave with someone else? _He inwardly cursed the fact that the bus he took was too slow to get here in time. Pasadena Area Rapid Transit System was going to get a strongly worded e-mail from him. _Rapid Transit my buttocks! _He was getting close to having a panic attack when he felt a slight brushing on his arm. _Amy!_ He turned, hoping his girlfriend had found him to end this horrible nightmare. His split second of relief gave way to a growing sense of agitation when he saw it was a taller blond man lingering way too close in his personal space. He flinched away from the man.

"Hi, I haven't seen you here before. Is this your first time here?" There was a blinding flash of white teeth as the man smiled down at Sheldon with an overly friendly expression.

"Yes. I'm trying to find a certain person. I've scanned the entire room twice and can't find who I'm looking for. I feel if I don't find them soon, I'm going to burst!" Sheldon took a step back to give further distance to himself and this very friendly man.

The man's smile grew even wider if that was possible. "Well, tell me what you're looking for and maybe I can help you find what you …need." The man was looking approvingly at Sheldon's shirt and surprisingly at his pants as well. Sheldon always received positive complements on his Batman shirt, but no one ever admired his bus pants the way this guy did.

"Short, brown hair, highly intelligent, vivid green eyes with a quirky personality and a rapier wit." Sheldon blurted out as he continued to scan the room.

"You're into short, brunettes huh? What a pity." The blond man's face fell for a moment. He regained a small hint of a smile. "Is there anyway I could change your mind?" He went back to admiring Sheldon's bus pants again.

Sheldon looked at the man oddly. "That's who I'm looking for. Why would I change my mind?"

"OK, OK. You know what you want. But if you can't find what your looking for tonight, here's my number." The tall man handed Sheldon a business card with his name and number on it.

Sheldon took the card, not quite knowing why this man was being so helpful. "Thank you. And since you seemed so interested, the pants were $35 at Sear's." He walked away to continue his search.

* * *

The more he looked he realized there were hardly any women present, so he was able to pin down her location in a booth towards the back of the room. He had walked by before and she wasn't sitting there earlier, she may have been in the restroom. She was sitting with two women and they were all laughing. He took a minute to really watch her without being observed by her or their nosy friends. He realized that he quite enjoyed it when Amy looked so carefree and happy. His stomach flipped in a way it had doing more and more frequently as of late. He would need to ask his doctor about that. It seemed to happen more when Amy was in close proximity or if he talked to her on the phone. He allowed himself a few more moments of candidly viewing his girlfriend before striding purposefully over to the red vinyl booth.

All three women looked up at Sheldon as he stood before them. "Sheldon? What are you doing here?" Amy was surprised to say the least, but then remembered her Facebook check in. The surprise quickly turned to irritation and suspicion.

"I should ask you the same thing little lady! Coming here to this …meat market!" He gestured his hand around the room. The hand still holding the business card of the gentleman he met earlier.

"How would you know it's a 'meat market' Sheldon? Have you been here before?" She asked sweetly.

He blanched. "Of course not!"

She gestured to the card he was holding. "What's that in your hand?"

"Some guys phone number, it's not important." He dropped the card on the table.

Amy's coworkers looked questioningly at each other somewhere between amusement and confusion. Amy colored with embarrassment.

"Well Sheldon, I told you I was going out with some colleagues from work. Why did you feel the need to show up tonight?"

Sheldon hadn't thought that far ahead. He was just driven by blind jealousy to protect what was his. Now that she demanded to know why he was here, crashing her outing, what was his was going to hand him his ass.

"I know we haven't spent much time together this week, and found out where you coming with your…colleagues…and felt the need to um… see you." Sheldon had a very slight twitch that he hoped was not noticeable in the dim light of the club.

The two women with Amy looked at each other and said, "Awww!". Then looked back at Amy with a smile.

Sheldon hoped against hope. Those two fell for it, but they didn't look very bright. He was hoping to pull the wool over the eyes of the one who could smell his deceit a mile away.

Amy looked at him, unsure if she should buy what he was selling. She gave him a skeptical look.

The pretty African American woman seated closest to Amy addressed Sheldon. "You must be Sheldon. I've heard a lot of good things about you."

"Of course you have. I've been at the top of my field since I was a child." Sheldon replied loftily.

Amy gave him a withering look. "Sam and Mike, this is my boyfriend Sheldon." The two women had easily shook off Sheldon's condescension and smiled cordially to Sheldon. They had been around enough egotistical doctors to not let it bother them.

"Sam and Mike? I thought they were men?" Sheldon's brows knitted together.

"Men?" Amy said more to herself than to Sheldon, a small frown on her face. Then it all came together. This was Stuart in the movie theater all over again. Sheldon was letting jealousy take over. Did he not trust her? She was not amused. "Samantha and Micah go by their abbreviated names at work." She was glaring at her boyfriend now.

Sheldon could sense the waves of displeasure radiating off of his girlfriend. But he felt a little better she wasn't cozying up with a bunch of men at her table. Now the issue was the dozens of men stalking his girlfriend in the bar. "Oh. There was also a George joining you tonight. Where is she?"

"**He** is right behind you." Amy told him flatly.

Sheldon turned around to find a very handsome, tall man with wavy brown hair approaching the table. He swung around the side of Sheldon and scooted next to Amy in the circular booth. He reached a hand out and squeezed Amy's knee while giving her a smile. He looked up at the man standing by their table and his smile began to waver.

Sheldon was shaking slightly and his hands were balled up at his sides. His chest was heaving and his eyes went round.

George tore his eyes away to look at the women seated at the table. "Is there a problem here?"

Amy smiled at George a little too widely to be sincere. "Of course not. This is my boyfriend Sheldon." Her smile slipped off her face as she looked up at her beet red boyfriend. "There isn't a problem is there Sheldon?"

The earlier minor facial twitching that could be concealed by the dim light was gone replaced with full blown facial tics.

"Sheldon?" She warned her voice almost a growl.

"No, no problem whatsoever." Sheldon's voice was gruff as he stared down the man who dared touch his woman in such a way. Not to mention in front of him.

Micah a petite redhead turned her attention from the fuming physicist to George, trying to change the subject. "So how'd it go?"

George warily turned his attention to her away from Sheldon. "I chickened out. It's sweet of you ladies to take me here, but I think I need more time. I was in love with Pat for two years; I don't think I'm ready for a fling just yet."

Sheldon's anger began to wane. "Is Pat short for Patricia?"

George turned his focus back on Sheldon. "No Patrick."

It then dawned on Sheldon that he had nothing to fear about Amy's companions, which made him feel sheepish. He looked over to Amy who had a grim look on her face. "Sheldon, I need to talk to you in private. Excuse me George."

George scooted off the vinyl seat and let Amy out of the booth. At that moment the dance music started up again, the loud beat making conversation near impossible. Amy grabbed Sheldon's hand and began to lead him forcefully out of the club to a quieter location. If he wasn't certain of the chewing out he was going to get, he would have relished the firm grip Amy had on his hand. As Sheldon was pulled through the bar, he noticed that nearly all the patrons were male and dancing with one another. He felt even more foolish.

* * *

The cool night air felt good on his red cheeks as his girlfriend dragged him a short ways from the club entrance. When she got to a place she thought was satisfactory, she swung around and faced Sheldon.

"What were you thinking showing up uninvited here? Not only that, but then acting rude to my friends and threatening George?"

Sheldon graciously began, "My apologies, I didn't know he was gay…"

Amy exploded. "It does not matter if he is gay or not! You had no right to storm over here like a jealous Neanderthal and dictate to me who I can or cannot go out for drinks with!" She walked a few steps away and then back, clenching and unclenching her fists. "Don't you trust me, Sheldon? Do you think because we don't have an intimate relationship that I would jump the first man I came across? Is that what you think?"

He had never seen Amy this angry before. She couldn't even stand still and yell at him properly, she was in constant motion. A perpetual anger machine.

He meekly squeaked out "No. I trust you."

"Then why are you here?" Her green eyes were flashing.

_Why was he here?_ If he were to be truthful with himself, which he found to be harder and harder to do, he would say that he cared for her so deeply, that the mere thought of her being swept off her feet by another man terrified him to the core. Because he needed her. He knew he couldn't give her what she wanted. Yet. The thought of what may come was terrifying; yet also intrigued him as a scientist with a thirst for knowledge. He was making tiny strides, much to his own chagrin, but he found when all was said and done, those changes seemed to benefit him. Life seemed better having her around. He went from a man who could barely touch another person, to someone who could hold hands for hours while watching a movie. Well that wasn't true. He could hold Amy's hand for hours, no one else. And just because he moaned and groaned about having to do so, didn't mean he disliked it. He had felt an instant connect to Amy many years ago in that coffee shop. He had felt he had met a kindred spirit, the reverse side to his coin. And this is why it caused him so much discomfort when she had snubbed him the last two days. That was why he was here. He would try Leonard and Raj's advice. He had everything to lose.

"Amy, you know I have difficulties sorting through emotional meanings of others and expressing myself to you. Mostly because I feel that talking about emotions in length is all hippy dippy. I realized though, that not being able to be near you for the past two days has been…uncomfortable for me."

Amy was not expecting to hear Sheldon say that he missed her. _Hmmm. Howard and Bernie were right. "_I'm sorry that you have felt uncomfortable Sheldon. I have decided that I am just as an important part of this relationship as you are, and I am going to stand up for myself more from now on."

Sheldon's brow wrinkled as a small frown formed on his face. "Of course you are just as important in this relationship as I am." He fidgeted and didn't know where to put his hands. "Amy, this is awkward for me to say but here it goes. I admire and appreciate you. It is not in my nature to say such things regularly, and I haven't a clue on how to even start. But know this Amy Farrah Fowler. You are a good girlfriend, a sparkling conversationalist, exceedingly intelligent and fun to be around."

Amy recognized the effort it took for Sheldon to say what he did. For anyone else these few words would be no big deal. But for Amy they were earth shattering, and as close to an "I love you" as she was ever likely to get. She knew this was a once in a lifetime confession from Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and she would take it to heart and remember his words when he went back to being himself again.

"Thank you Sheldon. I feel the exact way towards you as well." She smiled and he looked relieved that she was smiling at him rather than looking for a way to destroy him.

Sheldon gave her his crooked half smile back. _Hmmm. Leonard and Raj were right. What a weird day._

* * *

Amy's Monday was turning out to be fairly normal. She was again at a good spot in her relationship with Sheldon. But she promised herself she would not hesitate to stand up for herself if need be, and if he reverted back to being a self centered jackass, he was in for some trouble.

Her phone rang and it was Sheldon. "Hi Sheldon. Why do you sound so muffled? Iron ban? Oh Iron Man. Why are you wearing that? Did you say Howard stole something from you? 294? What is 294? Sheldon, I can't understand half of what you're saying, I'm just going to come by and see you in person. OK. Bye."

She started to unbutton her lab coat and shook her head. _What now?_

* * *

**A/N: Yeah, I sent Sheldon to a gay bar. You know you would have done the same thing don't lie! Next chapter, Amy stands by her Alpha male as he locks horns bought at comic-con with another Alpha male. Oh and Amy shows Sheldon her bikini wax. Please feel free to review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**The Cooper Neglect Theory **

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**A/N: Everyone has been so very nice with favoriting and reviewing. I'm having a great time writing this, hope you enjoy my take on Amy and Sheldon in the backseat.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: The Follicular Extraction.**

* * *

_It smells funny in here._

Sheldon sat at his desk, head encased in cheap plastic, no doubt inhaling carcinogenic chemicals related to said cheap plastic. But he had a point to make, a line to draw in the sand. No second rate engineer was taking the parking spot he has had since he started working here. Why should a trivial matter such as not owning a vehicle be held against him? How could such a nice weekend turn into such a horrible Monday?

* * *

Sheldon was having an exceptional Sunday. He had awoken feeling he could take on the world. He poured himself some cereal from the low fiber end of the spectrum and hummed a little Next Gen theme music as he poured his milk. The sun seemed brighter, the air smelled sweeter and he slept better than he had in several days. He greeted Leonard heartily, and Leonard instead of being buoyed by his roommates great mood, became suspicious.

"What's going on with you this morning?" Leonard looked at him with knitted brows.

"What do you mean?"

"You're all…perky. Sheldon Cooper and the word perky should never be used together."

Sheldon gave Leonard a little shake of the head, but was smiling. "Leonard. Can't a man who is on the fast track to a Nobel, who has had a full required amount of REM sleep, and who has pulled off an epic prank on his sneaky, nosy friends be in a jovial mood?" He went back to humming the Next Gen theme under his breath.

Leonard had a suspicion that those were not the only reason Sheldon was in a particularly good mood. Raj had told him that Amy and Sheldon had seemed quite chummy the evening that he had tricked Raj and Howard. Raj reported some of those long silent glances between them and those special little smiles that they always exchanged. Raj was under the impression that the two had made up. Hopefully Sheldon was taking their advice and finally treating Amy decently. But who knew what tomorrow might bring when dealing with Sheldon Cooper and his giant ego.

When Sheldon got in the car, he allowed Leonard to listen to the radio on the way to the grocery store. Leonard was stunned, but took him up on the rare offer. Sheldon tolerated the off key caterwauling better than expected.

Once home, Sheldon even carried his fair share of the grocery bags upstairs. Leonard let it go without comment until the second floor. "So Sheldon, if I go into your bedroom, am I going to find a giant Sheldon sized pod in there?" He smirked.

Sheldon rolled his eyes at his best friend. "I have not been replaced by an alien life form. I don't know why you would think that anyway. I'm acting exactly how I act every day of the week." And with that he started whistling the Raider's March from Raider's of the Lost Ark. He didn't notice Leonard had stopped walking with his mouth agape until he reached the next floor.

* * *

That evening the gang all came over for dinner at 4A. Penny was not home yet, but was picking up the take out order on her way home from work. Amy was preparing tea for herself and Sheldon in the kitchen when Howard and Bernie sidled up to her, taking turns peeking towards the living room to make sure they wouldn't be overheard.

"How are things working out with you two?" Bernie asked as Howard played lookout.

"Great." Amy grinned. "I stuck to my guns, and he told me he admired and appreciated me. Though this was after he followed me to a club because he was being possessive and jealous."

"See, I told you he doesn't like to be ignored." It was Howard's turn to talk while Bernie watched the living room. "But like with every training technique, you are going to keep strong and follow through. Don't be afraid to swat that naughty puppy with a rolled up newspaper if you have to. This isn't a sitcom where all problems are tied up within thirty minutes."

In the living room Team Sheldon was also taking stock of the following week. "You and Amy seem to be in a better spot than you did on Wednesday night." Raj commented.

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Are we going to talk about feelings again?"

"Talking about 'feelings' seemed to get you out of the doghouse faster than the patented Sheldon Cooper technique of denial and condescension." Leonard pointed out.

That was true, but Sheldon had used condescension and denial for so long, it was like second nature to him. He was about to deny that their advice was the reason Amy was no longer mad at him when Penny came in with dinner.

As they sat around eating, Amy turned to Sheldon. "Did I tell you that we found funding for the organization of estrogen-associated circuits in the mouse primary auditory cortex study?"

Sheldon looked at her as if she hadn't spoken. "The HO Gauge Society of Pasadena is having a silent auction and fundraising dinner next Saturday. Do you want to go?"

Amy frowned at him. She looked at Bernie, who nodded at her discreetly. Penny saw it though and kept watching what was unfolding.

Amy sat up straight and looked her boyfriend in the eye. "Sheldon, this funding means a lot to me. Why did you just ignore what I told you, to tell me about your interest instead?"

Sheldon was taken aback. Amy had called him out on something he had done in front of his friends. He wasn't very interested about her getting funding, but did care about the train auction. _Oh dear lord, the "feelings". _He ventured a glance at Raj on his usual cushion on the floor. He gave Sheldon a look and a tilt of the head, and then motioned with his head at Amy. Penny caught this as well. The plot thickened.

Sheldon let out a silent sigh. He felt like a hippy. "Amy, I am sorry that I did not seem enthusiastic about your news. I promise the next time you want to share something with me, I will gladly engage in the conversation." Penny looked at Sheldon like he had bugs coming out of his ears. "I am glad that you have received funding for your research project. Why don't we celebrate by going to the train auction?"

Amy smiled. Being a little assertive with Sheldon was working wonders. "Thank you Sheldon. That sounds nice. In fact, I will buy you dinner."

Penny glanced around at everybody, but no one seemed surprised at what Sheldon or Amy had just said. They just continued to eat quietly. "That was weird, right?" She asked no one in particular. They all just looked at her and returned to eating. Though Penny was right, it was weird for Sheldon to apologize to Amy, especially in front of everyone. But what was even stranger was that not a single, solitary person had told Penny about what was going on.

* * *

At work Monday, Sheldon finally balanced an equation that had stumped him for two days. He called Alex over to have someone witness his genius, and sent Amy a text asking about her day. It was turning out to be a great day. That was until lunch time.

That's when it all went down hill. Sheldon was in top form. He could excuse some cultural things Raj didn't know about, but not knowing the difference between vampires and zombies was inexcusable. He even earned a cookie from Leonard. But the news that the university was giving away the parking spot he had been assigned since he started at Cal Tech was inexcusable.

He argued with Wolowitz unproductively, so he had to take matters in his own hands. He went outside and sized the car up. It was a tiny car, for a tiny man, and he was a tall man in the prime of his life. He tried to push the offending car out of his parking spot, but it didn't budge. It just made his back hurt. He tried brawn, now it was time for brains.

Since he was forbidden to call President Seibert at home after the little misunderstanding with the suggestion boxes, he took a bus to his house. He rang the doorbell, and was sure he saw a curtain twitch, but no one came to the door. He peeked in through the mail slot and swore he could see the head of the university peering around the corner of the living room. He dropped the flap of the mail slot with a clang. He would call him when he got home.

* * *

On Tuesday he went to confront Howard in his lab. He wasn't in which frustrated him no end. But then he saw a red and gold gleam sitting on Howard's workstation. He saw that the lab was abandoned and grabbed the Iron Man mask. He smiled evilly. _Muha ha ha! _Howard wasn't using this, so he might as well take it. He stashed it in his drawer and went about his day. After Howard confronted him about it he placed it on his head, despite the funny smell and wore it all day.

He even wore it when he called Amy, though he could barely hear her and when he could it echo in the helmet. He was highly agitated and was pacing about his office when she came to pick him up.

"Sheldon, what's going on? Why are you wearing that robot mask?"

After explaining that it was Iron Man's helmet not a robot mask, Sheldon began to explain how he was being treated unfairly, when Amy interrupted him.

"Sheldon could you please take that off? I can only make out part of what you're saying."

Sheldon removed the helmet. His hair was sticking up in places, and Amy wondered if that was what he looked like after waking up in the morning. "The university gave my parking spot to Howard! Can you believe that? I have had that parking space for almost ten years, and Howard goes to the International Space Station and they just give it to him. Really? Monkeys and dogs have been to space!"

Amy knew that logically because Sheldon didn't have a vehicle, technically he didn't need a parking spot. She did understand that he felt betrayed that something given to him by the college was taken away from him and given to someone else. "I'm sorry Sheldon that does seem very unfair. Have you talked to someone at the university about it?"

"I have, but they told me I was being unreasonable. No, I need to take the matter into my own hands, and I may need your help." He looked down at her with crackling blue eyes, and she knew then that it wouldn't take much persuasion for Sheldon Cooper to turn her into a bad girl.

Amy was actually able to talk Sheldon out of some horrific acts of burglary and vandalism. She was able to stay on his side, yet try and help him see that deep down Howard was a friend and that he didn't ask for the spot to be given to him, it was the university ultimately who decided to do it. Sheldon simmered down, but made sure to hide Howard's helmet where he would never find it.

* * *

The next afternoon, the girl's were finishing lunch together and making small talk.

"And that is why you complain about the service after you get your meal, not before." Penny finished with an evil gleam in her eyes.

"He never thought his Alfredo tasted…off?" Amy was grimacing. She had a strong stomach but that was just wrong.

"Nope. So make sure your food and drink is safely on the table before complaining, and for God sake don't send it back after complaining either!"

Bernadette looked a bit green. "So anyway, Penny, who do you go to for waxing? The place I used to go went out of business."

"There's a little place downtown, they do a great job. My bikini zone has never looked better." Penny pulled her phone out of her purse. "Let me get you their number."

Amy let out a little half laugh. "You're joking right? It's late November, why would you be wearing a bikini?" She chuckled as she looked at her two blond friends, who were looking back at her puzzled.

"Just because you get a bikini wax, doesn't mean you do it only to wear a bikini. It's part of a personal grooming regimen. You know to look good for your…" Bernadette switched tactics. "Or you can do it to make you feel good about yourself."

Amy felt it again. The sting of being a social outcast. Not knowing that this was the norm for most women her age. Women in sexual relationships where their man may show interest in her bikini area. Unlike her and Sheldon. Well she was being more assertive nowadays. She made up her mind.

"Ladies, I think it's time to bend to societal pressures and get my lady bits in tip top shape. Who's with me?" She swung her very heavy purse around her neck. Because of Sheldon's call yesterday she forgot to turn in that change at the bank. Maybe she'll do that tomorrow. She jumped up from the table and started walking to the door.

Penny and Bernadette looked at each other. "It's the 1970's down there, isn't it?" Penny asked as Bernie nodded.

* * *

Later that night Amy was on her way to pick up an irate Sheldon. Amy was deep in thought. She didn't know what pained her more, the hurtful things Bernadette said to her, or her burning nether regions. _Why do people pay money to have this done to them? _Amy normally had a long fuse, but Bernadette really made her angry this evening. _When he makes a worthwhile contribution to science, huh? Theoretical sex? _Howard had angered Sheldon as well with his little naked stunt involving Sheldon's cushion and laptop. Those two had gone too far.

They had to stop to pick up the spray paint, but Sheldon had already made the stencil at home. As Sheldon sprayed his name on the cement slab, Amy looked at her rule breaking, rebel man. Amy was pumped full of adrenaline; she had never done anything of a criminal nature before. It made her feel alive and adventurous, she couldn't stand still.

Sheldon admired his paint job. "Oh yeah. OK, now pull your car into the spot and let's get out of here."

A little of Amy's adrenaline disappeared. "Wait, I'm leaving my car here?"

"Yes and be sure to put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge."

Amy was overcome by longing for her bad boy. _The girls said you get a wax job for your man. I wonder if he will appreciate this as much as the girls say their men do?_ She then thought about what Bernadette said about having sex in the parking spot with Howard. _Game on sister! "_Before I park, come to the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today."

Sheldon remembered he had promised he would take an interest in things she wanted to share with him. Truth be known most topics Amy brought up were exciting and informative. He was game for it. "All right, color me intrigued."

His girlfriend disappeared into the car. He opened the passenger side rear door and closed it behind him. The car's interior was dim, but the parking lot lamp shone through the rear window. He looked Amy in the face as he turned towards her. She took a shaky breath and motioned to her lap and asked, "What do you think?"

Sheldon glanced down to where Amy's skirt normally was, except it was hiked up around her waist. Her blue tights were down around her knees. There was also some leopard patterned cloth there as well. He gulped as he realized it was her underpants. _Which meant…?_ His wide eyes were drawn to the unclothed apex of her thighs. The first time he saw a naked woman he scrutinized the image purely out of scientific curiosity. Since then he had seen naked women on movies, but had never even thought twice about them. But this, oh boy, this was different. _Had Amy turned the heater on before she got in the car? He didn't see her start the car, and his Vulcan hearing would have heard the engine running. Geez it was getting warm in here. Why are her thighs covered in bandages? Is she injured? What happened? Am I sweating? Wait is she trying to have coitus with me now? Here in the parking lot? I'm not ready for this! Not here!_

"I think you're high on paint fumes. And boy, that's a lot of Band-aids." He tore his gaze from her hips and looked her in the eye.

Amy knew the odds were against her luring Sheldon to a night of ecstasy in the back of her car. She didn't know what she was thinking. She had just gotten caught up with take charge Sheldon and all the adrenaline. What a fool she was. She pulled her underwear and tights over her hips and winced.

"Amy, are you in discomfort? Why do you have so many bandages on your thighs and pubis?" Sheldon seemed genuinely concerned for her well being.

"I had a bikini wax today Sheldon. It's what we ladies do."

"Why? It seems like a very painful unnecessary procedure."

"It's supposed to make women aesthetically pleasing to their mates. I thought you might like it."

"Amy, I would much prefer that you were pain free and happy with the way you look, than to undergo a treatment to conform to society's idea of 'beautiful'. You don't have to do such things to make me think of you as 'aesthetically pleasing'".

_Wait a minute, did Sheldon Cooper just say that I'm pretty in his own roundabout way?_ She smiled warmly at her boyfriend."Thank you Sheldon. You're aesthetically pleasing as well."

He smiled smugly. "I know."

* * *

**A/N: Now, I know what you're thinking. Next episode is Fish Guts. Well I had to tell a different story first and then Fish Guts. In Egg Salad Equivalency they mention that although Giant Jenga is fun, Tiny Twister was a bust. Check out the next chapter to see why. Are you enjoying this season six retrospect? Let me know!**


	5. Chapter 5

**The Cooper Neglect Theory **

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**A/N: So the first few lines of Egg Salad Equivalency deal with Tiny Twister and Sheldon after Dark. This chapter introduces them both. Thanks again for reading and reviewing.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: The Tiny Twister Rivalry**

* * *

"Banana".

"Gorn".

"Dodecahedron".

"Bikini".

So far the brilliant mind of the unconscious Sheldon Cooper had not paid off. Alex had just handed him the highlights of eight hours of "Sheldon after dark". This didn't seem right. Someone as mentally gifted as him, should be able to produce exemplary results, even subconsciously. He decided to give it a few more weeks. Alex didn't mind he was sure. It would break up the monotony of her having to get his dry cleaning and pick up that hard hat he needed.

* * *

That night Amy and Penny came over to have dinner and play the inaugural game of Tiny Twister.

"Tiny Twister? What's that?" Penny asked as Leonard pulled a homemade plastic mat out of a cardboard box.

"Sheldon and I have been thinking of alternate ways of playing common games. Extreme crazy eights ended in some hurt feelings." The girls looked at him questioningly. Leonard grinned and teased. "Sheldon claimed that they weren't crazy and that his mom had them tested." That earned him rolled eyes from all his friends. "You're both invited back for game night when our Giant Jenga set arrives."

"Tiny Twister is played the same way as regular Twister, only harder because the dots are half the size. It's easier for your hands and feet to slip off." Sheldon was removing his shoes, showing his bright geometric socks.

Amy admired her boyfriend's cute feet as she stood next to the mat. Being short was going to be a problem with this game, and her tights were going to make her slide all over the place. She needed to make sure she had every advantage possible. She excused herself and went into the bathroom. Once in the bathroom she removed her sturdy black orthopedic shoes, and began to have second doubts about her original plan.

She had always been very modest in the way of her dress. Not to mention inheriting her grandmothers wardrobe augmented that modesty. Her long sleeves, many layers and tights protected her from unkind comments and bullies for years. But her new plan with Howard and Bernadette had emboldened her within the last few weeks. _She didn't need armor around her friends now, did she?_ She looked down at her light blue tights, and made her decision. She did shave today after all and her feet would have more traction this way.

She stuffed her discarded tights in her purse and returned to the mat. Her pale legs were bare except for shiny red nail polish. She felt a little self-conscious, but took a deep breath in and let it out through her mouth. _Bold Amy!_

Sheldon had been bent in the fridge grabbing a water. He turned to rejoin the others when he saw creamy, slender legs and a twinkle of ruby toes. His water hit the ground with a thud.

Everyone turned to see Sheldon, hand still gripping air where his water had been a second ago, with a vacant look in his eye. His gaze was aimed downward towards the mat, so everyone looked down, expecting to find a spider or a stray French fry. Nothing was there but the distracting red of Amy's toes on the edge of the Twister mat.

"Sweetie, are you OK?" Penny snapped her fingers in front of Sheldon's face. This seemed to do the trick, because he blinked his eyes rapidly and looked at Penny.

"Oh, yes. Fine. Where did I put my water?" He looked around and then down when Penny pointed to his feet. He shakily picked it up and pointedly avoided looking at those bare legs.

* * *

Tiny Twister was more difficult and harder for the shorter people playing. The first person out was Leonard, but only because Penny pinched his butt and made him slip. Then Penny was out because she was impossibly far away from a blue dot and her foot slipped off the 3 inch circle. It was down to Sheldon and Amy. They were facing each other, Amy tucked under Sheldon's right arm. Amy had somehow ended up on her right side down, both hands on yellow right foot on blue, left barely on red. Sheldon was on the same colors with the same body parts but face down and comfortable, except for the fact that his girlfriend was barely just touching his chest with her hip. He could feel the heat of her body radiating off her and her naked legs were a foot away from his face. He tried not to think about what she had shown him in the back of the car a few days prior. His arms wobbled.

The pair on the couch were snuggling and giving each other soft kisses in between spins. The spinner whizzed then Penny called, "Left hand red."

Sheldon grinned. There was no way that Amy was going to be able to reach her left hand under her enough to reach red. He easily moved his left hand to a red spot and waited for victory.

Amy was thinking the same thing. Her legs were already twisted as far as she could go. _Unless…_

She remembered Bernadette's pep talk in the car. And even though it was in a different context, she thought in this instance it just might work. _"You always seem ready to bend over backwards for that man, and he doesn't give an inch!"_

Amy took her left hand off of yellow, but instead of reaching underneath her, with no chance of reaching far enough, she nimbly flipped onto her back, ducking her body beneath Sheldon's. Her torso came dangerously close to brushing his to get into place. She was almost to the point of touching the red circle, her face mere inches away from her boyfriend's belly, and her hot breath on his navel when he leapt up from the mat yelling, "I concede!"

Amy collapsed on the mat with a huge grin on her face. She would not have been able to stay in that position for long, and was glad Sheldon gave up when he did. She looked up at him from the floor and saw he was winded and avoiding her eye.

* * *

Round two found Penny dropping out first. She claimed she slipped, but she actually just wanted to sit down with some wine. Leonard did better this time around as he didn't get his butt pinched, but he too dropped out after a while. It was down to Amy and Sheldon again. They were both facing in the same direction; Sheldon being taller hovered above Amy, both facing down. He could smell the clean floral scent of her hair, and he closed his eyes to avoid being dazzled by its shine. He tried to ignore the fact she was underneath him, and avoided touching her at all costs.

Penny flicked the spinner. "Alright, right foot blue."

Sheldon was playing to win. This was not going to be like that last game night when he and Leonard lost every single game. He put his foot quickly on the closest blue spot next to Amy. This forced Amy to slide a foot underneath Sheldon's body to the next closest blue spot, her thigh close to his torso.

"Left foot yellow"

Sheldon again moved quickly to take the most convenient spot away from Amy. He couldn't help but smirk.

"Sheldon! Play fair!"

Sheldon knew she was being stretched to her limit and couldn't help but gloat. "According to Sun Tzu, 'Opportunities multiply as they are seized'".

"Are you quoting the Art of War to me during a game of Twister?"

"I believe I am. Oh and Amy, Penny said left foot yellow." Sheldon's smug self-confidence radiated from every pore. He knew she was going to have to stretch to reach the yellow spot past his foot. The cramp forming in his leg was well worth it.

Amy was facing away from him, so he failed to see her jaw set and the half grin. Bold Amy had a plan. Penny and Leonard saw however, and were ready for a show.

She would be lucky to get her big toe on that distant yellow speck. Amy always loved that her boyfriend had such long legs; tonight she was going to use them to her advantage.

Amy lifted her foot off of the miniscule green dot, pointing her painted toes. She then arched her leg up more than necessary to slide the entire length of her bare leg down the inseam of Sheldon's left pant leg seeking the faraway yellow spot.

Sheldon had avoided looking anywhere below Amy's waist as those bare legs were causing his stomach to flutter. So he was unaware of her diabolical plan, until he felt her toes high on his inner thigh and her whole leg tracing its way down to his lower calf. He did the only thing a grown man with a sexy leg sliding down his thigh could do. He yelped and fell hard to his side.

"I win!" Amy crowed triumphantly.

Penny and Leonard tried to hide their smirks. Sheldon righted himself and stood quickly on wobbly knees. "You cheated!" he accused Amy.

"What ever do you mean?" Amy blinked innocently.

"You…you…touched me!"

"Leonard, is there any rule against touching during Twister?"

Leonard couldn't hide his grin any longer. "Nope."

"Tell you what Sheldon, I will let you go head to head with me, winner takes all." Amy swayed gently, hands behind her back and waited.

Sheldon fidgeted. He could still feel the path her leg took down his leg. Was he ready for her to play dirty again? _Dirty, dirty, dirty. _He gulped and replied in a higher register than normal. "Very well. But I may not behave as…gentlemanly as before." He crossed his arms on his chest. He looked at Amy and his stomach flopped again at the look she was giving him.

Amy's green eyes danced with fire. "Dr. Cooper, I am looking forward to it."

* * *

They started at opposite sides of the mat. Sheldon's initial plan was to avoid getting close to Amy if possible. If that failed it was time to stop playing nice. He looked over at Amy, still on the other side of the mat. Her hair was a little mussed from bending over, and her eyes sparkled with the challenge he issued. She caught him looking at her and gave him a devilish smile that made his upper lip sweat.

Sheldon was uncomfortably cramped trying to keep his lanky frame away from the soft curves of the unrelenting biologist. The next spin placed him in danger of collapsing from over extending his reach to avoid her. Turning the pages of comic books does not build up the biceps. Not even the thicker graphic novels. His arms were shaking with effort when Amy teased him, looking at him upside down from under her arm. "'Know your enemy and know yourself and you can fight a hundred battles without disaster'. I'm no stranger to Sun Tzu either." It was her turn to ooze self-confidence.

Sheldon's arms, which had been on the verge of failing him, stopped shaking. He absorbed her taunt and took the words to heart. _Know your enemy and know yourself. _He considered himself an expert in the subject of all things Fowler. The last thing she would expect was a full frontal assault.

On the next spin, both of their right hands went to green. Sheldon could have easily chosen a green spot far away from Amy, but he made sure to pick the one closest to her. Right foot blue also found him creeping closer to her. She noticed his advance and looked up at him. What she saw in his eyes, made her heart pound in her ears.

Sheldon was staring at her with a deep intense gaze with a faint hint of smile. It was a confident and cocky look, yet there was something else in there as well, those blue eyes throwing sparks. She had never had a man look at her that way. And dear God, she wanted him to look at her like that forever. Her spine turned to jelly and she could feel her scalp prickle with chills.

"Left hand yellow."

They both reached for the same spot, Amy's hand reaching it first. Sheldon's hand covered hers briefly then retreated to an adjacent spot. If Amy didn't know better she could have sworn that Sheldon had caressed her hand as he withdrew.

Reaching for the further yellow spot put Sheldon's head close to Amy's. She could feel his warm breath on her ear, and smell the heady mixture of talc and the musk that was uniquely Sheldon. She inhaled deeply.

"Right hand red."

It was a bit of a stretch for the shorter Amy but she managed to just reach a red dot. Sheldon waited till she settled before moving. He purposefully picked a farther up red spot and ended up mostly draped over Amy. But instead of avoiding touching her at all costs, he allowed himself to gently press himself over the full length of her body.

The full body contact with Amy was driving him insane. He had not touched this much of her body since the cuddle session on her couch. He tried to focus on winning the game and not on his mutinous body that perfectly felt at home cradling Amy.

Amy was having a hard time not panting as she felt the delicious warmth radiating from the man pressed up against her back and hip. _What has gotten in to him? _She felt her hair shift as he leaned into her ear and huskily whispered. "Do you yield?"

Wild thoughts of giving in to Sheldon and defiling the Twister mat ran rampant as her body shivered with desire. An almost inaudible groan escaped her throat involuntarily. The couple on the couch didn't hear it. Oh but Sheldon did.

Sheldon was trying to rein in the out of control fluttering in his stomach and get his breathing under control. He thought he had mastered it until he felt her tremble beneath him; he almost collapsed on top of her when she groaned.

She swallowed hard and squeaked out an unconvincing "Never."

They played as if their lives depended on it, neither giving an inch. Sheldon almost face planted when Amy rubbed her hip along his, but he was gratified when he heard her gasp as his long arm reached over her shoulder and brushed her back. Ten minutes later, tangled up in each other it all came to an end.

Left foot blue was their undoing. Amy was just barely going to be able to reach it. Sheldon was reaching for his spot at the same time. The intoxicating mixture of pheromones and heat radiated off the pair. That led to shaky limbs and sweaty palms. It's uncertain who slipped first, but they both fell to the mat grabbing the nearest object to slow their fall. Those objects happened to be each other.

Sheldon fell on top of Amy with a grunt. Amy rolled off of her side onto her back, Sheldon scrambling to get off of her when he stopped, her face only inches from his. Her eyes were wide with surprise, and he found himself lost in their bottomless green depths. He involuntarily licked his lips, which drew Amy's attention away from his eyes, to that elusive pout. She so badly wanted to claim those lips. Her head rose at a glacial pace towards his, witnessing his wide eyes slowly shutting as she came towards him.

"Right foot green."

Penny's voice broke the spell they were under and made them both jolt. They scrambled to their feet and watched Penny engrossed in her phone, spin the spinner and barely glance at the result. Leonard had fallen asleep and was snoring softly on the couch.

"Left hand red."

"Penny, you can stop now." Amy was smoothing her skirt and cardigan.

"Oh sorry guy's, got a little bored with you two playing for so long. So who won?" Penny looked from Sheldon to Amy.

Amy grinned at Sheldon and tilted her head slightly. Sheldon gave her a slight smile and turned to Penny.

"I think we both won."

* * *

A few days later Leonard and Sheldon were working on their laptops.

"Green".

"Don't stop".

"Fried chicken".

"Newton".

"Legs".

"Spock".

Sheldon frowned at the latest transcript. He had no recollection of dreaming of any of those things. The only thing on the list of scientific interest was Newton, and he was hoping it was the man not the cookie. He shrugged it off and turned to Leonard.

"Amy told me I shouldn't wear my Silver Surfer necktie to a memorial service we are attending later this week. I think she's just being crabby because her lab is short-staffed. Almost everyone has come down with the flu." Sheldon complained.

"I agree with Amy, that doesn't seem like an appropriate choice, unless you were going to Stan Lee's funeral."

"Don't even joke about such things Leonard!" Sheldon gave him a warning look.

"Well anyway, what do you think of Tiny Twister? Do you want to keep playing it?"

"I don't think so. You fell asleep, Penny was more interested in her phone and didn't even know we had finished. Plus I found the game…dangerous."

Leonard shrugged. "Alright so Tiny Twister was not the thrill of a lifetime."

Sheldon avoided looking at his best friend.

_Well I wouldn't say that._

* * *

**A/N: If you are wondering about the earlier game night that Sheldon mentioned in this story, check out my other story The Amber Waves Diversion. A little one shot based on the game night from The Re-Entry Minimization. Yep. Shameless self promotion. Alright folks, Fish Guts up next. Wish me luck. Please review.**


	6. Chapter 6

**The Cooper Neglect Theory **

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**A/N: Everyone knows Sheldon goes out of his way to avoid sick people. I mean Raj was banished from the lunchroom table for sneezing twice. Penny hints at being sick and he's spraying Lysol everywhere. Why is it so different taking care of Amy? Yeah, we know why!**

* * *

**Chapter 6: The Mentholated Manipulation**

* * *

Amy wished for death to find her and carry her away on swift wings.

She lay crumpled in a heap on the top of her covers in her disheveled bed. A tissue was tightly clutched in her hand and a light sheen of sweat covered her body. The touch of her soft flannel night-gown made her skin ache and her body would tense every time she had to cough. She had been one of the last to fall victim to the flu at work. Amy had gotten a bit cocky about the flu not being able to take her down and that's precisely when it struck. She had been meticulous with hand washing and wearing gloves at all times. She had gone through bottles of disinfectant, scrubbing hard surfaces and letting them sit for the recommended length of time. Purell was her best friend and it was bought in quarts. She knew the battle was lost when her head felt like it was going to explode and she couldn't get warm even after adding extra layers of clothing. When she had to add a third cardigan, she just gave up and went home. That was yesterday, but she couldn't remember much between then and now. She blearily glanced at her bedside clock and decided to call Sheldon to cancel going to the memorial service later today. She was originally going to try to scrape herself together to make it to Dr. Woo's funeral, but who was she kidding. Half the biology department were out sick and not going to make it either. Poor Dr. Woo shouldn't have passed away during flu season. She half heartedly reached for her phone and fell fitfully asleep, arm extended towards it.

* * *

Sheldon had the Spiderman theme song in his head as he approached the door to 314. It really was a catchy song, even with all of its inaccuracies. He adopted a more somber demeanor towards the end of his knock, to be sensitive to the purpose of his visit. He did not expect to see a very under the weather Amy Farrah Fowler clad in her bathrobe.

His first gut reaction was to flee. Influenza is extremely contagious and in some cases, fatal. Amy looked like death warmed over, and he didn't want to end up looking like her. The world could not afford to lose the brilliant mind of Dr. Sheldon Cooper to a little thing like the flu. He explained to Amy that the relationship agreement was meant to primarily benefit him in times of illness. Amy gave him a look he couldn't quite get at first and told him to never mind and goodnight. As he started to walk away, he had a feeling that was foreign to him, but was associated with his girlfriend more than with anyone else he had ever known…guilt. Amy did look horrible and was shedding viruses like a duck's back sheds water, but he realized there was no one else to take care of her. No one to sing soft kitty to her. No one to rub Vaporub on her chest. He knew how miserable it felt to be sick, but at least he was fortunate enough to always have someone to care for him when he was ill. Even if they complained the whole time they were doing it. She had no one to count on but him. Amy also had reminded him of his contractual obligation, even though it was only originally meant to benefit him. _Drat!_ _This was precisely the type of situation that Leonard and Raj would force me into._ He turned back to meet his certain doom at the mercy of a relentless virus.

He knocked and waited.

Amy answered the door. A feeling of light-headedness made her lean against the doors edge.

"Amy. I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. Additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being."

Amy didn't expect this and melted a little. "Thank you, Sheldon."

"You're welcome. Now let's get this over with." Sheldon cautiously entered the apartment as if danger lurked behind every corner. "Amy, how long have you been ill?"

Amy had shuffled over to the couch and collapsed on it. "This is the second day. I went home early yesterday because I felt so bad." She closed her eyes as her body was racked with violent coughing.

Sheldon fought an overwhelming urge to flee the deathtrap that was Amy's apartment. He could almost see the viruses dancing about in the air and laying in wait for him on every surface of the living room. His toes squirmed in his shoes but he forbade his feet from leaping towards the door which lead to good health and safety. He needed to stay and help her. He took a deep breath and willed himself calm. "Have you taken your temperature lately?" Amy shook her head no. "I will need to get your vitals now and compare them to your baseline vitals we have on file when you were healthy." He pulled out his phone to access her health file. "See, and you thought I was being silly when I insisted on a quarterly wellness assessment." He shook his head at her. "I assume your thermometer is in the medicine cabinet?" He started walking towards the bathroom.

"No, it's on my nightstand by the bed." She coughed and grabbed another tissue holding it to her nose.

Sheldon's stride faltered a little. He had tried to avoid going into that room ever since that drunken kiss on Amy's couch. Not that he ever had wanted to explore Amy's bedroom in depth. It was just that something had changed that night, something that made him uncomfortable just thinking about being in such a private setting belonging to Amy. It was a different feeling than when he was intruded upon in his bedroom. But he couldn't quite place a finger on why. _Man up, Cooper!_ He needed to do this for Amy, he needed that thermometer.

Amy was second only to him in cleanliness; it was one of the things that Sheldon admired about her. Her bedroom was still neater than most, a surgical suite compared to Penny's place, but Sheldon could tell she was too sick to care about the state of her bedroom. Balled up tissues sat on the nightstand next to a half empty glass of water. A dresser drawer was overflowing with flannel night gowns. The bed was in disarray, blanket falling off and sheets wadded up. Her clothes lay scrunched up on the floor as if she had just stepped out of them and fell into bed. A lacy leopard print bra sat on the top of the heap of clothes.

_Oh dear._

Sheldon eyed the undergarment like one would watch a poisonous snake. He gave the bra a wide berth with his eyes on it the whole time, as if it were going to grab hold of his leg. He took his eyes off the bra long enough to pick up the thermometer that was drowning in a sea of infectious tissues. He used the very tips of his fingers and winced as he crept around the pile of clothes on the floor and dashed out of the door.

He returned to Amy's side and gently placed the thermometer under her tongue. He then frantically squirted a generous amount of Purell on his hands. The antiseptic sting and cooling effect of the alcohol soothed him. He went to the kitchen and located the disinfecting wipes and brought them back to the couch. He was going to have to purchase more. He removed the thermometer when it beeped.

"102.2" Amy normally ran closer to 98 degrees, which was one reason for her many insulating layers. Her other vitals were normal and he added them to her "health file". The line graph will have to wait till later. "Have you been able to eat anything?"

Amy reached for a new tissue. "I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday. I just didn't have the strength to fix anything. That and I really didn't feel up to eating." Her nose trumpeted as she blew it.

Sheldon continued to breathe deeply to calm himself. He had never willingly entered an area with a contagious person occupying it. He took his suit jacket off and rolled up his sleeves. "Well I am going to fix you some herbal tea and honey, and then I'm going to see what you have to eat. We'll start with something bland if you think you can manage it." He started to busy himself in the kitchen. Soon the kettle was whistling and some canned chicken soup was simmering on the stove. Amy struggled to finish half a bowl of soup and drank all the tea.

Sheldon checked her temperature again and it was exactly the same. _Drat._ He was hoping she would be on the mend; it had been thirty minutes since he had started his ministrations. _Time for phase two. Now where were those Tic-Tacs?_

* * *

The Tic-Tac tactic didn't work and she was becoming a difficult patient and declining his care. It was time for phase three. He let his intentions of care be known to her as he wandered into the kitchen to get a cool rag for her forehead. She must have realized he was only trying to do the best for her, because she immediately became compliant to the idea of the Vaporub. It should help with her breathing and congestion, so he was glad she agreed to it so readily.

Amy couldn't remember ever feeling this horrible. She just wanted to sleep. Sheldon was being very caring for Sheldon, but also he was being very typical for Sheldon. He really expected her to be well in half an hour? The Tic-Tac antiviral shenanigans were also insulting. She had almost drifted into a feverish sleep when her ears heard the words rub, chest and Vaporub.

"You, you want to rub something on my chest?"

"Yes, all over it."

Amy started straightening up and running a hand over her messy hair. Her buttons couldn't come undone fast enough. Her sore throat squeaked excitedly. "Maybe we should start with that." _Why dear God did she have to be sick for him to want to rub her chest? Why not when she could appreciate it fully?_

"Now you're being a responsible patient." Sheldon scooped a generous dollop of Vaporub into his hand. He wasn't sure about Amy's experience with Vaporub; the menthol could be very potent. "Now, you may notice some tingling."

Amy wasn't going to let a little thing like the flu ruin a rare opportunity like this. "Oh, I'm counting on it."

_So she has experienced this before. _Sheldon was glad that there would be no surprises as the strong-smelling ointment was rubbed onto her chest. She was making a lot of noises as he rubbed; it was probably chilly against her hot skin. He watched her chest as he applied the Vaporub. Her breathing became more rapid and shallow; normally it would slow and deepen. Sheldon was pondering why when his thoughts strayed back to the bra laying on the floor of her bedroom. It was then that he realized he had went out of his way to avoid touching a garment worn in the same area as he was rubbing vigorously. His hand stopped, still on her chest, as he slipped from caretaker mode to boyfriend mode. He ventured a glance up to Amy's face and saw that she had watched him intently, with more liveliness than he had seen in her since he arrived. He flushed and removed his hand from her heaving chest as if burned. "Amy, you… you're breathing very rapidly. Are you all right?"

Amy gave him a lopsided smile. "I feel better than I've felt all day. The Vaporub was just a bit more…stimulating than I remembered." She bit her lip to avoid launching herself at him. She had kept her eyes on him the entire time he had rubbed her chest his eyes focused on the job at hand. Even though her skin was painful to touch, she reveled in his thoughtful caress. She was sick, for crying out loud, not dead. This opportunity would not present itself again for a long time.

"Do you want me to take you to bed?"

Amy started coughing violently at that last question. She did have enough forethought to cough into the crook of her elbow. She saw dots before her eyes and felt even more light-headed than before. She looked up at Sheldon with wide, watery eyes. "Ex…excuse me?"

"This couch is so short; I think you would be more comfortable in bed. I do want to straighten the bedding though." Sheldon had risen and was wetting a cloth under the kitchen faucet.

"Oh. I guess I should get some rest."

"Here, let me lay this on your head, and I will get your bed ready." Sheldon gently placed the soothing cloth on her forehead. It did feel nice on her burning skin. Sheldon then headed to the bedroom.

He was ashamed at how he had acted earlier. His girlfriend needed him, and he was spooked by a ladies undergarment? He strode purposefully over to the abandoned clothing on the floor. He bent over and scooped the clothes into his arms, making sure not to touch the silky fabric by wrapping the bra in her blouse. He dropped them off in the hamper. He then picked up the room and remade the bed.

He went back out to Amy. "Let's get you into bed Amy." He helped her up and led her to the bedroom. Amy thought it wasn't fair that the first time Sheldon Cooper wanted to get her into bed, she was sick as a pulled the covers back and tucked her in tightly. He placed the cloth back on her forehead. "Would you like me to sing soft kitty to you?"

She smiled. If he was pulling out all the stops, why not? "Sure." She closed her eyes, the scent of menthol occasionally making it past her stuffed up nose. She snuggled even more into her bed, as she heard Sheldon softly sing as she drifted off to sleep.

"Soft kitty, warm kitty. Little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty. Purr, purr, purr."

* * *

Amy's sleep was interrupted by her hacking cough and from alternately being too hot, and then chilled to the bone. She knew that high fevers could make you hallucinate and have vivid dreams and she experienced them now. Fever dream Sheldon invaded her restless slumber. He would rub Vaporub on her and sing. Then he would gently move her hair out of her face and lightly kiss her warm forehead with his soft, cool, lips. He looked at her with such concern that it made her heart warm. If only the real Sheldon could look at her that way. She would then awaken, fully covered, alone and coughing, even though she was sure she had kicked the covers off. She didn't remember covering herself again but everything was very hazy and then the fever dreams would start all over again.

* * *

She awoke when she noticed sunlight straining through the edges of her bedroom blinds. She still felt horrible, but she actually felt hungry finally. She slowly crawled out of bed and headed to the bathroom. She should call Sheldon today and thank him for taking care of her yesterday. He probably put her to bed and then left. That nagging cough began to tickle her throat as she shuffled into the living room and stared in disbelief. There curled up uncomfortably on the short couch was Sheldon.

She moved closer to the couch and watched her peacefully sleeping boyfriend. He was curled into the fetal position, feet dangling off the edge of the couch. His face looked so innocent; it was rare to see the unguarded side of Sheldon. He was always so rigid and aloof when awake. Amy was mesmerized by his handsome, boyish, face and those thin beckoning lips of his.

It was then that the tickle in her throat could no longer be contained. She tried to distance herself from Sheldon, but only got a few steps away before the cough escaped her lips. He stirred and sat up on the couch, his eyes on her.

It took a while before Amy finally stopped coughing. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. You stayed here the whole night?"

"Obviously. I was worried about you Amy. I wanted to monitor your fever and make sure you didn't need assistance overnight." Sheldon rubbed his eyes and stretched his stiff limbs.

Amy slowly made her way to the kitchen and put the kettle on to boil. "I didn't even know that you stayed. I don't remember you taking my temperature. How did you monitor my fever when I was sleeping?"

Sheldon busied himself folding the blanket, only shooting Amy a brief glance before continuing his folding. "I… um…felt your forehead."

Amy turned to the cupboard with the tea as what he said hit her. Was fever dream Sheldon actually real life Sheldon? It would explain why he was blurry until he pressed his lips against her forehead, she normally dreamed in 20/20 vision. She whipped around, but he had already exited the room leaving behind a neatly folded blanket. Before she could find him, there was a knock on the door. She plodded over to the door and opened it.

"Hi Dr. Fowler, sorry to hear you're sick." Alex was standing at the door with an overnight bag in hand.

"Thank you Alex. Will you come in?" Amy opened the door wider.

"No thank you, I need to get going. I'm just dropping off Dr. Cooper's overnight bag and his latest sleep recording transcript."

"I can take those so you don't have to wait for him." Amy grabbed the paper and the bag.

"Thank you. I hope you feel better soon. And let Dr. Cooper know we will see him when he gets back."

"Gets back?"

"Yes. Dr. Cooper took the next two days off to take care of you. Didn't he tell you?" Alex looked at her oddly.

"No, but I have not been very lucid most of the time." Amy gave a half-hearted smile.

"OK. Well let Dr. Cooper know to call me if he needs anything. Oh, and I found that hard hat he wanted. It's waiting for him at his apartment. Bye" Alex smiled brightly, turned and left.

_Hard hat? Sleep recording transcript? He took two days off for me? Was I dreaming or was he kissing my forehead last night? Who knows, maybe I'm dreaming now?_

Amy looked down at the paper in her hand that contained the transcript. Sheldon reentered the living room as she read the words out loud.

"Barry Allen"

"Higgs boson"

"Twister"

"Inconclusive"

"Amy"

* * *

**A/N: The mighty Fish Guts could not be contained in a mere 3200 words! More to come. Mama needs a bath! I'd say Mama needs reviews, but I'm really not that pushy.**


	7. Chapter 7

**The Cooper Neglect Theory **

* * *

**A/N: Part two of Fish Guts here. Thank you again for everyone's interest and support for this story. You help make this fun.**

* * *

**Chapter 7: The Pleasurable Penance.**

* * *

Amy's feverish brain was a mass of confusion.

She looked down at the list in her hands, as if expecting the words to rearrange themselves differently. But they remained the same, with her name on the very bottom.

Sheldon moved to her side and took the bag from her grasp. If he had heard her read the transcript, he made no mention of it. "Let's see if Leonard was able to follow my instructions accurately for once." He sat on the couch and started to sift through the bag. He scowled. "You would think after living with that man for so long, he would remember which socks I wear on Thursdays." He shook his head and continued pawing through the bag. "Well I guess I'll just have to rough it."

The kettle started to whistle and Sheldon popped up off the couch before Amy had a chance to look towards the kitchen. He turned off the burner and poured the steaming water into a cup. He turned his attention back to Amy when he had her tea steeping. "You should be in bed, missy."

"I've been in bed way too long, can I lay here on the couch?"

Sheldon pondered this for a moment. "Very well. But let's cover you up. How are you feeling this morning?" He motioned for her to recline on the couch, and then covered her with her throw blanket.

"About the same. Maybe a little less achy." She reached for a tissue and dabbed her nose. Her other hand still clutched the transcript. Sheldon took it from her hand and folded it in half. He then walked back into the kitchen and dropped the paper in the trash can. "Do you feel like more soup today, or do you think you can manage some toast or a scrambled egg?"

Sheldon puttered around the kitchen, leaving Amy pondering about the note. "I'll try some toast. Sheldon, what was the purpose of that note. Alex said it was a transcript?"

Sheldon's hands stopped untwisting the bread bag. "Um, yes. Leonard had mentioned that I talk in my sleep, so I ascertained that my unconscious mind may unlock the key to some great discovery." He redoubled his efforts on the twist tie.

"You said my name and a man's name as well. Barry…" She trailed off.

"Allen. Barry Allen. He's the Flash." Sheldon put two pieces of bread in the toaster.

"Oh. So did you have a dream about me and the Flash?"

Sheldon shook his head. "I really don't remember." He grabbed two small plates from the cupboard, thankful his back was to her so she didn't see the small spasm by his right eye. "Now just relax, your toast is almost done."

If Amy were well, she would have pressed the issue, but she didn't have the strength to continue. She shut her eyes.

* * *

Sheldon was pleased that she ate all of her toast. Her temperature was still elevated at 101.8, and that nasty cough persisted. He wanted to put more Vaporub on her, but last time she was awake, the strong-smelling rub caused her to be stimulated rather than soothed. He might wait till she was asleep again.

His chance came when an hour later she fell asleep on the couch, her breath slightly raspy. He waited till her sleep deepened and approached her, Vaporub in hand. He stealthily opened the buttons at her throat, like Indiana Jones trying not to spring a trap, until her smooth chest lay bare before him. He placed a generous amount in his palm and rubbed his hands together to warm the ointment. Sheldon glanced at Amy's peaceful face and proceeded cautiously. He rubbed her with small, light, circles of his hand, glancing at her face to make sure he wasn't waking her. He also found it easier on him to do this when she couldn't watch him with those curious, bewitching eyes. His stomach squirmed just thinking of it. He finished and washed his hands before returning to Amy and rebuttoning her nightgown with the skill of a cat burglar. He then wanted to check her temperature, so he carefully leaned forward and pressed his lips to her forehead. _Hmm? 100.8? No 100.9. _He could feel the heat radiating off of Amy, and lost himself for a second in the contact between them. He lingered just a little bit too long.

"Are you kissing my forehead?"

Sheldon's stomach lurched as he was caught. His lips left her hot skin with a small damning smack. "Um, no Amy. I wanted to check your temperature. Lips are far more sensitive to heat fluctuations than …hands. You are currently 100.9. He flicked his gaze to her for a second, before looking away.

She was astounded. She had caught Sheldon Cooper kissing her of his own free will, and he made up some ridiculous story about taking her temperature with his lips? "Hand me the thermometer please."

Sheldon hesitatingly handed her the thermometer. She placed it under her tongue and gave him a look of disbelief until it beeped. She read the digital number. 100.8. Her amazed look slowly slid to her boyfriend who sat at the edge of the couch looking uncomfortable. She handed him the thermometer. He looked at the number. "Darn! I knew I should have stuck with 100.8!"

* * *

The rest of the day was a blur for Amy, but she noticed that Sheldon always seemed to be anticipating her needs and was a superb caretaker. Her fever broke the next day and she felt much better and her thoughts became more lucid. She walked out to the living room and found that Sheldon had spent the night again, his tall frame contorted on her small couch. _He can't be comfortable. It's a good thing I feel better. Now he can go home and get some sleep. _She tried to be quiet in the kitchen, but he awoke and stretched while watching her in the kitchen.

"Amy, you should let me do that." He rose from the couch and took her hand leading her back to lie down. "You stay here while I make breakfast. I think some eggs and toast should be safe." Sheldon brushed a stray bit of tangled hair out of her face. She was struck at how compassionate he had been towards her the last few days. Putting her above him and not complaining _too_ much. She was about to tell him that she felt better and that he didn't have to take care of her anymore, when his blue eyes captured hers. They were full of concern and softness. "Amy, I've neglected your hair. I should brush it for you before it becomes one big snarl. Then if you feel up to it 'Sense and Sensibility' is on Netflix or if you're not then perhaps I can read to you. But before all that, you are overdue for more Vaporub." He decided to risk it while she was awake. He grabbed the small jar and began to unbutton her nightgown. He smiled at her warmly as he rubbed her chest, trying to ignore the flips of his stomach as his fingers circled. "So how do you feel today?"

Amy had never felt more cherished. She made a fateful decision as she covered her mouth and coughed louder than she felt she had to.

"Horrible."

* * *

The next two days were utter bliss for Amy. She still wasn't feeling great, but with her fever gone she could appreciate the tender loving care her sweet Baboo bestowed on her. He fluffed her pillows, cut the crusts off sandwiches and even sat through romantic British period movies with minimal complaint. Amy soaked in the rare attention like a sponge.

She awoke from a nap to find Sheldon with his coat on and bag over his shoulder. He gave her a small smile, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. He told her he needed to run an errand and that he would be back as soon as possible. As he left the apartment the smile dropped and his brows furrowed. He didn't know why Amy was still so sick. It had been five days. Hopefully the swab he had in his pocket will give him some answers.

* * *

The next day Bernadette came over to see if any of her pharmaceutical concoctions would help poor Amy out. Amy was horrified at the list of side effects, it was almost better to just ride out the flu. Sheldon left the room to draw a bath for her. She surely could use one, it had been several days. After she heard Sheldon running the bath faucet, she came clean to Bernadette. Bernie was understandably shocked, but Amy knew that Bernadette couldn't fully understand her motives. Howard seemed like an attentive loving spouse and people with partners like that could not understand the long lonely road that she had been down. She did feel ashamed about it though and decided she would tell him. But then…

"Amy would you be strong enough to bathe yourself or do you need my help?"

Amy and Bernadette looked at each other and Bernie noticed a spark kindle to life in Amy's eye.

"I'll tell him tomorrow. Mama needs a bath."

* * *

Sheldon had been able to compartmentalize the past few days taking care of Amy. It was difficult, but he had managed it for her. He had never been on this side of a caretaker/patient role before, but he felt he had done a great job. He realized it had been days since Amy had bathed and wallowing around in stale sweat and Vaporub was not beneficial to her recovery. Sheldon wondered if she was strong enough to wash herself. His head snapped up at that. _What if she wasn't strong enough? _She had not eaten much in the past few days and she had seemed very frail as well. Sheldon gulped, then screwed up his courage and asked Amy if she needed help with her bath. He surprised himself. He actually did it. He stepped up and was there when she needed him. He had a difficult enough time rubbing her chest with her clothes on, how was he going to compartmentalize this? He had no compartment big enough for this! He turned back to the Epsom salt bath he had drawn. He looked around frantically and found some lavender bubble bath and hurriedly added that to the tub as well. The bubbles would act as a screen of modesty to keep his roving eyes off of her debilitated body.

She appeared in the doorway, unbuttoning her nightgown. "I think I'm going to need assistance Sheldon."

_Oh boy!_ Sheldon pushed his anxiety down deep and turned the water off at the faucet. "Can you undress yourself or do you need help with that as well?" He couldn't look directly at her.

Amy's hands froze mid button. It was as if Christmas, her birthday and winning the lottery all happened on the same day. But the question was could she live with the guilt?

Yup!

"I don't mean to be a burden Sheldon, but it would be most helpful if you could assist me."

Sheldon took a deep cleansing breath in, but Amy didn't hear him release it until he spoke. "Very well." Sheldon stood in front of her avoiding looking at her. The problem with doing that was he was able to see her clearly in the large mirror on one side of the bathroom and a reflection of her on the glass of the shower. There was nowhere safe to look. Except…

He turned his gaze to her brilliant eyes. It was the safest option. Or so he thought. His face was unreadable as he raised his hands and slowly unfastened each button while his gaze burned Amy down to her very soul. Her nightgown slid off her shoulders and pooled on the ground at her feet. Sheldon's eyes never left hers, but she felt more exposed to his gaze than to the fact that she was mostly naked in front of him. She gasped when she felt his strong hands on her hips and noticed his eyes widen at the sound. She slowly felt her underwear being slid down, inch by inch. His gaze never wavered from hers, though he did bend his knees to continue to push her underpants down her legs. He released the fabric and they joined her sleepwear on the floor. He rose back to his full height, cheeks flushed and pulse racing. He estimated where her hand should be and touched her forearm, trailing his hand down to hers and helped her into the tub. Once she was settled under the privacy of the bubbles he broke the intense gaze. He noticed she was breathing hard.

"Amy are you doing OK? Your breathing seems a bit labored."

"I'm fine. Why did you look at me that way?" Amy's breathing was not in any way flu related.

"I wanted to preserve your modesty, therefore I looked at the only place I would not see a refection of your nakedness, your eyes." Sheldon's breathing was a little irregular as well.

Amy frowned at him. "You could have closed your eyes."

Sheldon muttered something and Amy asked for clarification.

"I said the hero always peeks."

Sheldon started with her back, which was a smooth expanse of pale skin with a few freckles. He practiced his Kolinahr exercises in preparation for the other tantalizing body parts soon to come. He used a washcloth to wash her face and neck breathing evenly. He moved on to her arm and held it lightly as he washed from shoulder to fingertip. He finished her second arm and scooped one of those seductive legs out of the bath water. The toenail polish was now blue, not the ruby color he first saw during the Twister game. He preferred the red, and then realized he should not be ogling her legs when she was sick. _There would be plenty of time to do that when she was well. No that's not what I meant! _He switched legs and ran the bath pouf over her milky flesh. He dawdled over the second leg, because the only other places to wash were… dangerous.

"Sheldon, I think that leg is clean." Amy said quietly.

Sheldon stopped washing her leg and hesitated. The bubbles were holding up well, but he wasn't just concerned about seeing anything. Feeling something was far worse.

He took the pouf and rested it as light as a feather on her upper chest. His fingers barely had a grip on the pouf as he traced small circles with it. He moved down lower, not looking until her entire torso had felt the light whisper of the pouf.

Sheldon felt light-headed and feverish. He hoped he wasn't coming down with the flu. Amy still needed him. "Amy…I can't…um wash anymore of you. Can you manage?" Sheldon was beet red. The integrity of the bubbles was fading fast. He needed to leave.

The guilt was overwhelming, but the payoff was divine. Amy was a pile of goo sitting in the tub. She looked over to her flushed boyfriend and nodded. "I can manage, Sheldon. Thank you for taking such good care of me."

"You're welcome. You attend to yourself and I will get a towel." Sheldon left the steamy bathroom quickly to grab one from the linen closet.

Sheldon reentered the bathroom eyes closed. He was too far away to employ his staring into Amy's eyes ploy, so it was down to this. He came closer to the tub and held the towel up for Amy to wrap herself in. Once she was securely covered Sheldon opened his eyes. He seemed more flushed than earlier. Amy gave him a slight smile "I thought the hero always peeks?"

Sheldon puffed a held breath out through his mouth loudly. "He did." He left the room abruptly as Amy's mouth dropped open.

* * *

Amy didn't want to press her luck, so she went to her bedroom and dressed in another nightgown. She came out to the living room to see Sheldon sitting on the couch, breathing deeply. "Are you OK?"

Sheldon looked at her. "I'm fine. I just found it hard to care for you in the manner you deserve just now."

"Sheldon, you have done a great job taking care of me since Wednesday, better than I could have hoped for. You've been scrunched up sleeping on my couch for four nights and not getting much sleep. I can handle being alone for a while. Why don't you go home and get some rest? Tomorrow is Monday, I don't want you missing anymore work to take care of me." She gave him her best fake sick smile. "You can check on me after work."

It took a while to convince him, but he made some food she could heat up easily and made her promise to update him every two hours on her status. He went back to the familiarity of his own apartment and promptly missed her. The only thing he didn't miss about Amy was her miniscule couch. After he turned on his voice recorder his head hit his pillow and he instantly fell asleep.

* * *

The next morning he checked his phone and Amy had dutifully texted him with status reports every two hours. At lunch time he strolled over to the lab to check on the cheek swab he had submitted on Saturday. He looked at the results, and his jaw set. He strode purposefully back to his office, grabbed his coat and headed for the nearest bus stop. Sheldon was so upset he didn't even care he wasn't wearing his bus pants.

Sheldon thought he heard music as he approached the door, but it faded as soon as the key Amy gave him was in the lock. Amy lay on the couch, as forlorn as she had been all week. What sealed her fate was that she claimed she had taken a "turn for the worse", when he had damning proof of her deception in his hand. He handed her the paper and saw her face go pale. He told her he was very disappointed in her, and she told him she felt terrible for doing this to him. Sheldon could understand her wanting to be cared for by him especially since he did a superior job, but he needed to let her know that this was unacceptable behavior. He thought back to his own experiences with being punished. His brother was too stupid to realize that he was going to get a spanking each time he did wrong. That's why it never worked with him. Sheldon had his hide tanned once and that was enough for him. He made sure he flew the straight and narrow after that. Amy was an intelligent woman, one spanking and she would never want to lie to him again.

"Are you saying you want to spank me?" Amy's voice was uneven as she stared at her boyfriend.

Sheldon almost relented. Her voice sounded scared and quivery. Then he remembered all he had been through during the last few days. He hated to do it, but she needed to know what she did would not be tolerated in their relationship. "But I don't want to, but looks like you left me no choice."

Amy's hand found her lips shocked at this turn of events. _Does he know what he is getting himself into? He really has no clue._ She felt the guilt creep back, but it was drowned by a dark desire. _If it satisfies him and it satisfies me it's a win-win. _"That's true. I've been a very bad girl."

"Are you prepared to receive your punishment?"

Amy could barely contain an excited smile from lighting up her face. She stared intently into his eyes and he didn't know why but his stomach squirmed as she nodded at him. "One second, I want to put on some music."

"Why?"

"I don't want to disturb the people next door while you discipline me." She pointed a remote behind her left shoulder and music started.

He nodded at how Amy was courteous towards her neighbors. Sheldon was unfamiliar with the song, but it sounded similar to the music that Leonard would put on when Penny would spend the night. It seemed an unusual musical choice for Amy. He shrugged it off and focused on the job at hand. "Very well then. Get over my knee. Let's begin." He adjusted to give her room to drape her body over his lap. She got settled into the prone position. He could feel the soft curves of her hips and belly make full contact with his thighs. He thought back to the bath, how her body was now forever burned into his mind. But it wouldn't have been there if she had been honest with him.

He didn't want to punish her, so the first strike of his palm was a little half-hearted. Still he didn't expect the small giggle that came out of Amy's lips.

**Smack.**

"Oh my!"

_Am I being mocked?_ "Excuse me. You're not supposed to be enjoying this." This was punishment not fun and games.

Amy's voice cracked. "Then maybe you should spank me harder." _Please, please, please!_

Sheldon needed to put an end to that sass. _Oh he could spank her harder._ "Maybe I will."

**Smack!**

"Woo hoo!" It leaked out before she could bite it down.

**Smack!**

That one had a bit of a sting to it, but she was still enjoying her "punishment" immensely.

**Smack!**

**Smack!**

Sheldon felt that five was enough. Plus Amy's body pressed up against him was causing him to become… uncomfortable. Amy didn't think five was near enough, but she had pressed her luck enough today. Amy apologized again and Sheldon graciously accepted. Sheldon hated when their relationship was on uneven footing, the spanking made them equal again.

* * *

Sheldon called for Leonard to pick him up from Amy's place. Leonard pulled up to the curb. "Hey Sheldon, how is Amy feeling?"

"She is completely well." He turned to his roommate. "Leonard, can you believe that Amy lied to me and said she was still unwell to get me to take care of her?" He shook his head.

Leonard checked his mirrors and pulled into the roadway. "I could see where she may have enjoyed a level of attention from you that you don't normally bestow upon her. So yes, I can believe it."

Sheldon looked at him incredulously. "You too? But isn't lying to your significant other in a relationship a serious breach in trust?"

"Well yeah. But lying about being sick isn't as bad as lying about already being married to someone else or that you're wanted by the law. You need to have some perspective. It seemed like she lied to be closer to you and have you take care of her. Not because she was trying to be malicious."

Sheldon sighed. "I know. I did such an exemplary job with my caretaking duties that she didn't want me to stop. That is why I made the punishment for lying to me so light."

"What? You 'punished' her for lying to you. I have never seen you punish Amy."

Sheldon shifted in his seat. "That is true. But she had never betrayed my trust before. I had to let her know that it was unacceptable."

Leonard was surprised. Amy seemed to be the exception to many of Sheldon's rules. "Did you give her a strike?"

"In a matter of speaking. I gave her five. Across the buttocks."

Leonard's brow crinkled. "You gave her five strikes…across her buttocks?"

Sheldon looked out the window. "Yes. I spanked her."

Leonard tore his eyes from the road. "You spanked Amy? And she let you?"

Sheldon was engrossed in the passing scenery. "I did. She agreed that she had been a bad girl and deserved it. But then get this. She seemed to actually enjoy the first two blows. I couldn't believe it. I mean who ever heard of someone enjoying being disciplined?" He shook his head and ventured a look over to Leonard, who was grinning ear to ear.

"I have heard of people who like being disciplined." Leonard said with a chuckle. "Didn't know that Amy was one of them."

"What do you mean?" Sheldon looked concerned.

"Just saying that spanking a child and spanking an adult are two different things." Leonard smirked. "You may want to look up spanking on Wikipedia. I don't recommend Googling it. You're not ready yet."

Sheldon looked at him confused but reached for his phone. The Wikipedia entry was an eye opener and the next link left him speechless. Leonard pulled an envelope out of the console.

"Alex gave me this for you since you left early. She said it's your transcript."

Sheldon took the envelope from Leonard and tore it open. He remembered most of his dreams, and he remembered last nights. He looked at the list and swallowed hard.

"Soapy"

"Thermodynamic"

"Automotive"

"Soft"

"Lavender"

* * *

**A/N: Hope I did justice to Fish Guts. Next up let's neglect Dr. Cooper. That is the name of the story after all. Reviews welcome.**


	8. Chapter 8

**The Cooper Neglect Theory **

**A/N: This has been a wild ride! What was supposed to be a one shot, quickly progressed to a season re-cap. I first thought maybe to the Spoiler Alert Segmentation, so I put that in as the end parameter. That is the episode where the slippery lips were mentioned. Now with touching on the D&amp;D game, I think Love Spell would be better. But if I do that, I might as well finish the season. So undecided! But this authors note isn't why you're here. So let's get to reading!**

* * *

**Chapter 8: The REM Reoccurence.**

* * *

Sheldon Cooper was in Hell.

Sheldon looked down at the warm, flannel clad body clinging to his lap. He really hated doing this but she had to know that lying was not to be tolerated.

He raised his palm and brought it down against the soft yielding flesh.

**Smack.**

The first time he had done this it made him feel guilty and he almost relented. Until he heard that little giggle and exclamation of "Oh my."

This time a finger of flame spread from his stomach and to his extremities.

And somewhere else as well.

He could feel himself loosing control of the situation. Homo Novus was more evolved than this. Homo Novus wouldn't be titillated by spanking a woman.

But she was not just any woman.

And as his hand came down a second time, he felt the sting on his hand, but then instead of raising his hand to deliver another blow, his hand remained rested on the impossibly soft flannel of his girlfriend's posterior. He felt the heat of her body through the patterned flannel and knew he shouldn't be touching her in such a manner. Touching a woman there was bound to lead to touching her in other places. Like her stomach or breasts or…

Sheldon didn't want to think of the last body part. Mostly because a few years ago, he could dismiss the ludicrous notion that he would even think twice about touching anyone anywhere. But now, the thought of touching Amy in a very private area and her touching him in return…It didn't seem as far fetched. Terrifying, yes, impossible, no.

Amy adjusted her body weight on his lap and Sheldon was aware of that insistent part of his body that wasn't tied down by the prudish thoughts of his brain. That part was getting to be a more and more vocal advocate in how his body should react to certain outside stimuli. It was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore as the days and months rolled by. "The squeaky wheel gets the grease", as the idiom went. He thought of grease, then lubrication; then that certain body part and inhaled sharply.

Amy turned her head at this sound to look at him in that coy way that made his stomach flip. "I thought you were going to discipline me. I don't think I learned my lesson yet." She dipped her eyes to his lips. "Unless you have a different lesson plan in mind?" Her impish expression roused that traitorous organ. His erection quickly volunteered a curriculum outline it had developed to teach Amy Farrah Fowler, complete with wet lab and oral presentations. Sheldon's hand resting on Amy slightly squeezed the tender flesh unconsciously.

"Dr. Cooper!" Amy sprung from her prone position on his lap. She hiked her nightgown up to her thighs and sat in his lap, straddling him as she proceeded to assault his lips. His disbelief turned to desire as he was defenseless to stop his overwhelming need for her.

"Oh Amy!" He murmured against her lips. Her hips ground into his hardness and every rational thought left him.

* * *

He jerked awake, covered in sweat. The room was dark, hours before dawn. This had been happening more frequently as of late and it was extremely troubling to him. The worst part was waking up to the after effects, as he shamefully realized his obvious arousal. Kolinahr was becoming useless anymore. Cold showers drew suspicion, especially in the middle of the night. This left only one less desirable option. He carefully turned off the recording device for his sleep transcript and reached for the tissues, defeated.

* * *

The next day at work he turned in the previous night's recording to Alex. She had worked with him long enough to know when he was having a bad day and this was one of them. His tea was too cold, the mail came too late, his tea was too hot, and he had run out of staples. She took as much as she could till her nerves were frayed, then she looked for any excuse to leave him alone. This gave her an opportunity to transcribe his sleep log. Which was a bit of an eye opener.

That evening she handed him the results, but could not meet his eye. It was the last work day before Christmas break and she was glad she didn't have to deal with this again until January. "Goodnight Dr. Cooper. I'll see you after winter break." She hurried out of the room before he could reply.

He looked down at the paper in his hand and paled.

"Bad girl"

Transcribers note Alex Jensen. Very hard to make out either "funnel" or "flannel", followed by 17 seconds of heavy breathing.

"Spanking"

Groaning sounds for 43 seconds.

"Oh Amy!"

* * *

That night Leonard noticed that the crabby Sheldon that he took to work, was replaced by a pensive Sheldon who made not one peep on the way home. Leonard was concerned but enjoyed the peace for once. The silence continued up the stairs and into the apartment, where Sheldon walked inside and immediately went to his room and shut the door. He did not emerge for dinner and Leonard knew it must be pretty bad. He couldn't get any information from his brooding friend, so he let him be. That night Amy plagued his dreams again. She was bathing him this time, but if he was the one getting the bath then why was she naked as well? This dream didn't lead to self abuse this time, just frustration.

* * *

The next day Amy came by to see him. She hadn't heard from him in a few days which was not normal. She was going to ask him about it when he informed her that Saturday night was going to be Dungeons and Dragons night.

"Oh, great! I've always wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons." Amy had been fascinated by the game since she had first heard of it. But never before had anyone invited her to play and it was a game you couldn't play by yourself. Try as you might.

Sheldon was still coming to grips with interacting with Amy after all the weird dreams he had been having lately. This was why he hadn't answered her calls. He decided more time with her may not be the best thing now. "Yeah, oh, I'm sorry. I should've mentioned this earlier. You're not invited."

Amy's face fell. "Why not?"

Sheldon gave her a patronizing look that Amy countered with a frown. "Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves." He realized what he said and thought back to his animalistic dreams of her and forced himself to be still.

Amy lips turned down further. "By rolling dice and playing make-believe with little figurines?"

"Yeah, like a bunch of savages." He took a drink from his mug.

The sting of rejection did not sit well with Amy. After being ignored for several days with no explanation and now this, she was not taking this quietly. Team Amy would not let this pass. "What are you afraid of Sheldon? Are you afraid that girls will ruin Dungeons and Dragons? Do you think we will only cast love spells and whack at ogres with our handbags? Will our breasts get in the way and spring traps?" She thought of what she had just said and laughed a little. She knew the real reason but couldn't resist. "Maybe that's where the name booby trap comes from, women setting off traps with their breasts."

Sheldon looked at her oddly. "Of course not. In Spanish the word bobo means fool or stupid. It would be a trap a stupid person would stumble into."

"I know that Sheldon! It was a joke. I was just pointing out the ridiculous notion that women couldn't play Dungeons and Dragons because their breasts were in the way."

Sheldon was trying to ignore the frequent mention of the word breasts. He swallowed. "I actually think in general that women would not do well at D&amp;D because of their more irrational and emotional behavior. You would probably panic the first time you meet a goblin. Or get weepy over your character dying." He slightly shook his head and hoped that this would work.

Amy knew that Sheldon wasn't a flag waving feminist, but didn't expect this attitude either. "Excuse me? I would get weepy over my imaginary character dying?"

"Well yes. Didn't you cry your way through half a box of tissues when you watched 'The Notebook'? Also 'Steel Magnolias', 'Titanic', 'Wuthering Heights' and 'Ghost'?" He tilted his head at her. "All of those characters were imaginary."

Amy's mouth had dropped open. "Sheldon, that's different! Those movies purposefully tug on your emotions. I am not going to get emotional over a role-playing game. Period."

Sheldon wasn't expecting a fight. He just wanted to see if time away from Amy would stop these nagging dreams. Though truth be told, it hadn't been the case in the past few days. "I'm not convinced about your ability to remain emotionally detached. I never let my feelings get in the way of my game play." He took a big gulp of tea. "I also don't think you are ready for the sheer amount of energy that goes into crafting a character."

"What type of 'energy', Sheldon?" Her jaw was clenched, but Sheldon didn't seem to notice.

"Dungeons and Dragons requires a dedicated commitment to the game. I think after I spent hours crafting a character with you, with appropriate back story, you would play once and then you would never play again. So I still have to say you can't play with us." He finished laying out his perfectly sound reasons.

Amy's eyes were green balls of fire. She put her yellow mug down hard enough to slosh tea on the counter. She quietly stood from the bar stool and strode over to her purse before stomping towards the door. She turned to address her befuddled boyfriend. "Your life is not going to change if we play Dungeons and Dragons together!" Before he could reply, she slammed the door.

* * *

Over the next few days' real life Amy avoided her misogynistic boyfriend. Dream Amy however came regularly and left him sweaty and full of self-loathing. His brain thought it should be above baser animal urges. But his body begged to differ. Sheldon was caught in the middle. He became even more difficult to live with, which drove Leonard over to Penny's to avoid him. This however did help out with the ability to take cold showers without Leonard prying. He found out that the dreams continued even without Amy in his life, and he wanted her back. His fear of giving in to his desires took a backseat to Sheldon just missing her companionship. But his calls went unanswered and she refused all attempts at video chat. The few times he tried talking to her in person no one answered his knocks.

* * *

When Penny suggested a girl's night on the same day the boys were playing D&amp;D, Amy jumped at the chance. She put on her favorite hand me down dress from her grandma. _You can't go wrong with a floral pattern!_ As a finishing touch she put her sparkly heart-shaped hair clip on and headed over to Penny's.

* * *

Penny's dress left little to the imagination but so did Bernadette's. Amy felt a tad overdressed for this outing. They decided to go next door and show the boys what they were missing out on.

During the brief fashion show, Amy felt Sheldon's eyes on her and she tried not to care but failed miserably. She decided earlier to embrace the theme of the evening which was "Eat your heart out boys!", but seeing Sheldon for that brief moment made her long to be next to him. As they headed down the stairs with their unexpected addition, Amy pushed down her sadness. At the bar, champagne was flowing freely and Amy was once again feeling a little boisterous. Her first suggestion of drunken toilet stall hook-ups was shot down by the same people who called **her** forever 63. Well if she wasn't getting any tonight, Raj might as well. After striking out with a close to sure thing, he wallowed in typical Raj self-pity. He lamented that he always wanted women he couldn't have. Women like Penny and Bernadette. Penny and Bernadette knew this was steering into dangerous territory, and didn't volunteer any information. When Amy asked to clarify, Raj admitted that he had crushes on both but made it a point only to fall for one of his friends girlfriends at a time, being old-fashioned.

Amy felt a much-needed surge of self-confidence and grinned. "So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too."

"No, not really."

Amy's face fell. _Story of my life._

Penny looked at Raj with the threat of murder in her eye. "Oh, come on Raj, not even a little bit?"

They knew that Raj was a pompous ass when tipsy, but now he was also clueless. "Not that I can think of."

Bernadette tried this time. "Think harder." There was an edge to her voice.

Raj totally missed it. "Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn't, I mean at all." He shook his head slightly.

All three women looked like they were going to do him great bodily harm.

Yet he still didn't get it.

"What?"

After pointing out his wrongdoing, Raj was very apologetic. It was then that Amy and he swapped tales of woe and bitter loneliness. They discovered they had a lot in common in this area. More than any two people should. They both felt better after their talk.

"Thank you Rajesh. He wants me, I'm good. We can go now." Amy strode to the door. Bernadette followed closely behind.

Raj muttered, "Damn it".

Penny looked at him. "What?"

"Now that I know she doesn't like me, I'm kind of into her."

* * *

The next day to make amends, Raj texted Amy and asked if she wanted to go to brunch, just the two of them. Amy decided that would be a nice way to spend Sunday morning and agreed to meet Raj at the address he gave her.

The restaurant was packed with patrons, but they were able to get a table without waiting too long. Raj took a sip of the mimosa that he texted Amy to order for him and smiled at her. "Thanks for agreeing to meet me for brunch. I still feel bad about last night."

"It's OK. As I said I'm used to it. But now I know that I wasn't the only one who had to deal with such rejection and loneliness." Amy raised her glass of orange juice in Raj's direction. "Plus Sheldon hates the idea of brunch, so I jumped at the chance."

"Howard and Leonard had some rough patches as well. I think anyone with a high level of intelligence comes off as a little socially awkward. Sheldon would have too, if he cared at all about social constructs." Raj took another sip of mimosa.

"Yes, Sheldon is not one to bow to societal pressure." Amy smiled wistfully.

"Sheldon does march to his own drum. You think you can predict what he is going to do and then he totally turns 180 degrees the other way." Raj turned from Amy to thank the waitress who brought their food. "He's like a cat."

After the waitress left, Amy questioned Raj. "He seems pretty predictable to me. Give me an example of what you mean."

"Well the biggest thing recently was him taking care of you when you had the flu. He wouldn't go in the same room as anyone with a slight sniffle." Raj paused for a second deep in thought. "Actually most of my examples of him doing things he wouldn't normally do involve you. I guess Amy, you are the exception to his rule."

Amy hadn't thought of it before, but there it was plain as day. She never received strikes like the others, he held her hand, he took care of her when she was sick and he sometimes apologized to her. She felt the prickle of guilt start to form for ignoring him. She missed him and had suffered without him all week. Yes he could be difficult sometimes. Scratch that, all the time, but she cared deeply for him. She had to make things right.

* * *

Sheldon woke up a miserable shell of a man. He had nightmares of cannons and Santa Claus all evening and hardly slept. That coupled with the fact that Amy refused to see him or answer his calls was almost unbearable. Sheldon and Amy had never gone this long without communicating in one form or the other even just a simple text. His saving grace was that she would invade his dreams and he could be with her even if it wasn't real. However he didn't dream of Amy last night, he dreamt of a royally pissed off Saint Nick with homicidal tendencies. So after hoping for weeks that those embarrassing but exciting dreams would stop they finally did. But instead of relief he felt lonelier than he had ever felt in his entire life. Not only did she abandon his waking hours but his dreams as well.

His restless night made for a late morning for Sheldon. He knew it was late because he could hear Penny's voice in the living room on a Sunday morning.

He emerged from his room and caught a bit of the conversation Penny and Leonard were having. He wouldn't have cared about what gossip they were prattling on about until he heard Amy's name.

"So Raj brought up that he had a crush on me and Bernadette at one time. Poor Amy assumed that he had a crush on her too, which he denied. We tried to get him to say he did, but he wasn't getting it, and Amy got her feelings hurt."

Leonard's sympathetic voice was heard next. "Oh poor Amy. I'm surprised Raj didn't pick up on that. He is normally more sensitive than that."

"He was half in the bag by then. You know what an ass he is when he's drunk. So anyway him and Amy talked things out and they had this lonely loser contest where they kept one upping how lonely and pathetic they were. Turns out they both kinda won that. Except Raj did point out that Amy was with Sheldon."

"I can see how Amy could feel lonely and be with Sheldon. I mean I love the man, but warm and cuddly he's not."

"Yeah, Amy's a lucky girl." Sheldon frowned. It sounded like a compliment, but the tone was off. _Sarcasm? _Penny continued her gossiping. "So Amy texted me that Raj invited her to brunch this morning. Their going to that little place on Cordova Street. It's funny because after they made nicey nice last night, Raj said he was a little in to Amy."

Leonard chuckled. "Sounds like typical Raj. I wonder if this is going to turn into another 'Bernadette, play my clarinet' situation. Wait. What musical instruments rhyme with Amy?"

Sheldon didn't hear if they could think of any because he had rushed to his room to find his bus pants.

* * *

**A/N: Yup, the man is putting on his bus pants again. So is there a musical instrument that rhymes with Amy? Shoot me a review if you want to. Or if you know of a musical instrument that rhymes with Amy. Thanks for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

**The Cooper Neglect Theory **

* * *

**Chapter 9: The Indian Incident**

* * *

Sheldon Cooper was going to murder Rajesh Koothrappali.

Sheldon's hands were shaking as he opened the drawer where his bus pants lay. He grabbed the soft cotton pants a little tighter than necessary and threw them on the bed. The drawer closed with a satisfying slam. He then pondered which shirt was appropriate for pummeling his friend. If he could assume that morally corrupt people would be a cowardly lot like criminals, he had the perfect choice. The Dark Knight was the proper attire for a man with vengeance in his heart. He pulled his black Batman shirt out in hopes of striking fear in Raj. And from a practical stand point, the color would hide any blood stains obtained from fighting as well. Unlike the superhero on his shirt, the thought of blood made this not-so-Dark-Knight a little queasy.

Sheldon strode forth from his room like a tempest, with violence on his mind… until he got by the door to the bathroom, and realized he hadn't voided his bladder yet this morning. The tempest started to dance urgently as he hurriedly entered the bathroom and locked the door.

After taking care of business, washing up and brushing his teeth as well, _being outraged does not excuse good dental hygiene_, the foul tempered Dr. Cooper stomped to the living room.

"What's gotten in to you?" Leonard looked at Sheldon with brows knitted.

"I overheard Penny and yourself talking about Raj asking Amy out to brunch."

This did not help Leonard and Penny's confusion. Penny sat down her coffee mug. "Why would that upset you?"

Sheldon whirled around to face Penny. "Penny, Penny, Penny. If you would have thought a little harder about why spending time with a depraved pervert like Raj was a bad idea, you probably wouldn't have had that little naked incident with him a year and a half ago."

Penny looked at him jaw dropped. "What the hell Sheldon?"

Leonard stood up from the couch and approached Sheldon crossing his arms. "Sheldon, I don't know what's your problem this morning but it has got to stop. Raj is your friend, not a 'depraved pervert'. He's perfectly harmless."

"Perfectly harmless?" Sheldon was so mad he couldn't hold still. "Raj mooned over Bernadette like a lovesick puppy when Howard was dating her. He ended up writing torturous poetry about Bernadette and a woodwind instrument, and tried to kiss her in front of Howard. Not only is that bad enough to do to a stranger, but he did this to his best friend."

Leonard still stood firm, but he seemed a little less sure of himself. "Nothing came of it, just little argument but they worked things out."

Sheldon stopped his pacing and looked Leonard square in the eye. "Well then how about the fact that it was downright disrespectful that Raj and Penny had drunken coitus. Not only drunken coitus Leonard, but drunken coitus in your very own bed. I never understood how you had remained friends after all that. I know that you and Penny technically were not dating at the time, but really, how could you forgive such a big breach of trust? Penny and her nether regions are notorious for this type of thing, but you would think Raj should have known better."

This earned a "Hey!" from Penny, and a stony gaze from his best friend for bringing up things best left unsaid. Leonard turned his humorless face to Penny, then back at Sheldon.

"I'll drive you."

* * *

Leonard and Sheldon, now without bus pants, drove towards the restaurant. Sheldon's fingers were anxiously drumming his knee.

Leonard stole a glance at him as he drove. "What's been going on with you this week Sheldon? You haven't been yourself at all. Does it have to do with Amy?"

Sheldon's fingers stopped drumming. "Why do you say that?"

"You have been distracted since you learned that Amy had lied to you about being sick. I haven't seen you talk to her since then and she hasn't been by the apartment. What's going on?" Leonard braved another look off the road to his friend.

Sheldon looked out the window of the car. He didn't answer for several minutes, but Leonard knew that sometimes Sheldon needed to sort his thoughts, and share only the amount of information he felt comfortable telling others. Leonard was about to ask again when Sheldon finally spoke. "I was having disturbing dreams about Amy, and I thought if I avoided her they might stop. I then argued with her about not allowing her to play Dungeons and Dragons with us. She took it the wrong way, and I haven't seen her since." Sheldon said all this very softly still watching the scenery pass by the car window. "The dreams continued even without her around, until last night when I only dreamed about a vengeful Santa who was mad I left him to die in a dungeon."

Leonard's eyebrows rose at that. "Well the dreams stopped. I thought that was what you wanted."

Sheldon weighed what he wanted to tell Leonard against what he was willing to tell Leonard. "I need to have Amy in my life. I'm used to her presence and I have grown…fond of her. Since she wasn't there physically, at least she was there in my unconscious mind. When I didn't dream about her last night…" Sheldon had already given way too much away. He clammed up.

Leonard's eyes were saucers. He did not expect Sheldon to be so honest with him about Amy. He knew that Sheldon had changed since Amy had entered his life. The incident with the 25 cats made that crystal clear. They needed each other and on some bizarre level what they had worked for them. "Is this why we are on the way to destroy Koothrappali?" Leonard's voice was soft.

Sheldon shifted in his seat. "Yes."

Leonard stopped at a light and gave Sheldon's knee a small pat. "I still don't believe he is going to try anything with Amy."

Sheldon looked at Leonard finally, blue eyes blazing. "I'm going to make certain of that."

* * *

The restaurant was a popular spot for brunch so there wasn't a spot to park within two blocks of the place. Sheldon wanted to be dropped off in front of the restaurant, but Leonard wasn't about to let him confront poor Koothrappali alone. Sheldon walked purposefully towards the eatery, Leonard close behind.

A block away they saw Raj and Amy hugging, then they broke apart and Amy touched Raj's shoulder before walking away from them down the block. Raj headed towards them with a big smile plastered on his face. A smile that broadened when he saw his friends approach, but fled when he saw the windbreaker clad Texan approach.

Raj stopped in his tracks as the others quickly closed the space between them. "Hi guys, you here for brunch too? But Sheldon, you dislike brun…"

"I'm going to say this once and once only, you need to leave Amy alone! I am not going to stand idly by while you put those mysterious Kama Sutra moves on her. It may have worked on Penny but it stops here!" Sheldon's fingernails dug into his palms, his fists tight at his sides.

"What?" Raj looked at Sheldon's stormy countenance and then Leonard's apologetic face.

"I want you to stop trying to have intercourse with Amy, or I will be forced to resort to violence." Sheldon slowly raised his clenched hands.

Raj watched Sheldon's fists rise and his eyes grew big. Leonard intervened. "Sheldon this is getting out of hand. You aren't going to fight with Raj. He's your friend."

Sheldon's steely eyes never left Raj. "That remains to be seen. Now Koothrappali, are you going to leave Amy alone, or are you in need of a lesson?"

"Sheldon, I have no romantic interest whatsoever in Amy. At all. And I don't want to fight you!" Raj held his hands in a placating manner.

Sheldon's fists unclenched slowly and began to return to his sides. His face was still serious, but now he processed what Raj had just said. "What do you mean 'at all'? You could do a lot worse than Amy! I've seen the women you've talked into dating you." Sheldon was now upset at Raj for a different reason.

Leonard shot Raj a warning look, and thankfully for him, he had only drunk one mimosa and still had his wits about him. Raj affected a dreamy distant look. "Amy is clearly out of my league both in beauty and brains. I could never swim in her depths." Raj sighed dramatically.

Leonard rolled his eyes so Sheldon didn't see, then shot Raj a look. _Laying it on a bit thick there Raj._

Sheldon's face softened as he absorbed Raj's words. "Well said Raj. I don't know why I was so worried. Even if you threw yourself at Amy and professed your love, I think she would have turned you down cold." A half-smile graced his face as he thought of the certainty of Amy's rejection of Koothrappali. He really had to see her. "Now that I have made my point, Leonard drop me off at Amy's." He leaned in close to Raj and whispered. "But I'm still watching you. And with one simple phone call, you'll be back in India." He spun on his heel and headed back down the sidewalk to Leonard's car.

Raj watched the retreating physicist in disbelief. "What in the hell was all that about?"

"I'm not sure, but I'd steer clear of Amy for a while." Leonard raised his eyebrows and turned to follow his lanky friend.

* * *

Amy had only been home for ten minutes when Sheldon's familiar knock brought her to her door.

"Sheldon, what are you doing here?" She smiled warmly at him. She had missed him terribly and seeing him in person cheered her for the first time in days.

Sheldon felt an incredible urge to embrace her. _And one…and two…and three… _He made himself stand still as he counted until the urge left him. Mostly. "Amy I know this past week has been difficult, and I didn't help matters by trying to ignore you, but I hope we can move on from here together."

"Why were you avoiding me Sheldon? Did I do something wrong?" Amy looked up at him with those effervescent green eyes of hers that made his stomach flip.

Sheldon wasn't going to embarrass himself by letting her know what Leonard told him about spanking her. So he chose a safer reason. "I was trying to see if spending less time around you would help me to… dream about you less." Sheldon shuffled in the doorway and looked at his feet.

A look of wonder crossed Amy's face. "You have dreams of me? What are we doing in your dreams?" Amy dreamed of Sheldon frequently, sometimes it was sweet; sometimes it was torrid and had her waking up reaching for Gerard.

Sheldon noticeably reddened and stammered. "It- it doesn't matter. What matters is it didn't stop the dreams when you were gone. Then today when I didn't dream of you at all…" He took a deep breath. "I missed you."

Amy wanted to hug him so badly, but when you belong to the brilliant Dr. Cooper, such things were frowned upon. She counted till the urge to grab him subsided. Mostly. _One chimpanzee… two chimpanzee… three. _She moved closer to him and tried to capture his down cast eyes. He looked up as he sensed her approach and she gave him a glowing smile. "I missed you too."

"Amy. I need to have you in my life. It just makes sense. Please don't go away again." Sheldon mumbled this so quietly and so fast that Amy almost didn't catch it.

But she heard every word. And while he was trying to hide behind his jumbled words, she made sure to reply clearly, so there was no doubt of her meaning.

"I am not going anywhere."

* * *

**A/N: I know it's short, but it's been a busy week. Shoot me a review if you're not in a food coma. Happy Thanksgiving!**


	10. Chapter 10

**The Cooper Neglect Theory**

**A/N: Have I told you guys how awesome you are lately? Thank you again for all the support. This chapter contains very mild swearing, a joke about a lady of the evening and innuendo of a sexual act. If that doesn't spook you, read on.**

**Chapter 10: The Human Resources Hysteria**

The events of the past week tumbled in Sheldon's mind like the blocks of his Giant Jenga game.

Accusations of sexual inappropriateness in the workplace, the embarrassing Sheldon After Dark entries, and the "help" he received from the so-called Council of Ladies, all keeping him from his secure feeling of normalcy. There were only two bright spots in his universe. The first, as always, was Amy. She said she would never leave him and somehow that made the rest almost bearable. The second was Bakersfield Comic-Con coming up this weekend.

As he lay there in bed trying not to imagine what Alex and the HR lady thought he was guilty of, he thought back to the last few days.

It was the last evening of winter break when Amy came over for dinner, just the two of them. She noticed a large freight box in the living room. "Sheldon, what's in the box?"

Sheldon gave her that playful boyish grin that made her toes curl in her orthopedic shoes. "Leonard and I found a company that makes giant-sized Jenga blocks. It should have been here a week ago, but there was some nonsense about it being overweight and being delayed at the package carrier. But it's here now and I can't wait to play it." He stroked the box lovingly.

_Lucky box. _Amy thought with just a touch of envy. Things had been good between them the past few days. She was pleasantly surprised that he had admitted that he missed her when they had their most recent misunderstanding. She had missed him too, but she was more in touch with her feelings towards Sheldon than she felt he was towards her. She knew she loved him, but was unsure if Sheldon was to that point yet. Maybe one day they would be at the same place at the same time. Her musing was interrupted by a knock on the door and the arrival of the food.

After dinner Sheldon could barely contain his excitement. "Amy, I would be honored if you would play the inaugural game of Giant Jenga with me tonight."

Amy loved playing all manner of games with Sheldon. She was still using the memories of the recent Tiny Twister game late at night with Gerard. "I'd love to. But shouldn't we invite Leonard to play the first game? After all the set is half his as well."

Sheldon waved her concern off with a flick of his wrist. "He's still worn out after lugging the box upstairs. No he won't mind." He went to get tools to open the box.

The set was impressive, a mighty tower of fresh smelling pine. Sheldon went to his room to get the final touch. As he grabbed the hard hat from its box he was struck by a thought. He fidgeted with the hat in his hand as he pondered what to do. Then with his lips in a firm thin line, he knew what his mother would expect of him when a lady was placed in danger.

He rejoined his girlfriend in the living room and presented her with the hard hat. "Amy I neglected to buy you a hard hat when I bought mine. So it's only fair that you should be the one to be protected from head trauma."

Amy looked at the hat that he had pressed into her hands. "Sheldon, I think it's overly cautious to wear a hard hat when playing a game." She tried to hand it back to him.

"As I told you when you were sick, I care about your well-being. If you were to get hit on the head and were injured…" His normally confident exterior slipped just a little and Amy saw a tiny bit of…fear.

Amy decided to play along. "You win Sheldon. How do I look?" She plopped the helmet on her head and opened her arms with a flourish. She twirled on the spot, feeling silly about being forced into wearing the hat.

Sheldon needed to answer the question. _How does she look? Pretty? Alluring? Mesmerizing? _"Safety conscious."

Amy tilted her head at Sheldon. _I guess I'll take it. _"Thank you Sheldon."

It didn't take long before Amy was standing on tiptoe to reach the top-level. The tower had become taller than even Sheldon, and truth be known she did feel a bit safer with the hard hat. Those wood blocks were solid. She bent down to shimmy a piece out from close to the base. She was so intent on dislodging the piece that she didn't see the top starting to sway dangerously towards her.

Sheldon did and in a split second several thoughts ran through his mind. The first was that he was just about to win the game. The second was that a heavy stack of lumber was about to fall on his Amy. The third was even with a hard hat, being under a falling pile of wood was going to hurt. The fourth and final thought before leaping into action was that he could not just stand by and let that happen to her. He enveloped her crouching form right as the first blocks fell. He felt her jump as he wrapped himself around her and then felt the heavy weight of the blocks bounce off of his back and head. He was right, it did hurt. As the last block fell he straightened up, bringing Amy upright as well in his arms. He realized what he was doing and quickly let her go.

"Sheldon, you didn't have to do that. You could have just told me to look out. Are you injured?" Amy began to search Sheldon for wounds with the softest touch she could muster. She needed to examine him, but she knew he didn't like to be touched.

Her light touch made him shiver. "There was no time to warn you. I'm fine. The back of my head is a little tender, but that's all."

Amy circled around Sheldon and examined his head. "Bend your knees a little Sheldon; I think I see a wound." Sheldon's eyes grew large as he bent down for Amy. She continued her butterfly light touch as she parted his hair to see the area of interest. Sheldon's shiver evolved into a shudder. She found a minor scrape on his head behind his right ear. "Sheldon you have a small abrasion here. Why don't you sit down and I'll get the first aid kit." She bustled off to the bathroom. Sheldon didn't like the idea of having a wound and began to feel the room spin. Before he could faint, Amy had returned with the medical kit.

She grabbed a small packet of disinfectant and ripped open the package. "This might sting a little." She dabbed the gauze against the minor wound.

Sheldon sucked in a breath between his teeth. Amy flinched at the thought that she was the cause of pain for him a second time tonight. "Here Sheldon, let me blow on it."

Sheldon's eyes were squeezed shut as the disinfectant burned. "Amy being familiar with the field of biology you should know that blowing on an open wound will only increase the chance of…" He lost the power of speech as he felt Amy's soft cool breath behind his ear and the sting of the alcohol based cleanser disappear. For such a cool breath blowing on his ear and neck, why was he feeling so warm?

A second breath of air flowed over his ear and he promptly forgot everything of importance except for that blissful sensation.

Amy leaned around to Sheldon's face and gently smiled. "How does that feel?"

Sheldon took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh.

"Wonderful."

Amy had fussed over him all night, calling him her hero. She made him chocolate chip cookies and kept stealing little secretive looks at him when she thought he wasn't looking. But he caught most of them and he kept experiencing a feeling he couldn't quite place, but he found himself enjoying.

But then again it could be a brain parasite.

The next night he and Leonard were playing Giant Jenga, his hard hat securely in place, when Alex came to pick up his night-time recordings. He had been concerned at the last recording results he had gotten back but he hoped that Alex didn't catch on to the meaning behind it. He was reaching for the recorder when the sound of triumph crashed in the living room. He rushed out to the living room.

"Giant Jenga, I win!"

This winning feeling carried him through till the next day during breakfast at the cafeteria. There he found that his assistant was not giving him the full attention that he deserved. Instead she was mooning over Leonard's pasty, androgynistic brand of sexuality. This would simply not do. She was being a slave to her baser urges, and not a productive assistant. He had to put a stop to it. But how?

The answer struck him as he sat at his desk at home that night. His eyes had left his computer screen and wandered to the statue of Gollum on the right of the desk. When Middle Earth was threatened, Elrond called a council to plan the destruction of the One Ring. The Council of Elrond formed the Fellowship of the Ring, who ultimately were victorious in destroying it in the fires of Mount Doom. Sheldon needed a council made up of women to help with a female issue. Now if he could only find a t-shirt printer with same day service. And he needed to come up with some good pseudonyms to protect the innocent.

The girls all met at Amy's apartment and were puzzled as Sheldon handed each of them a pink shirt. He then proceeded to tell them the tale of Ricardo Shilly-Shally, Tondelaya de la Ventimiglia and Dr. Einstein Von Brainstorm.

They saw right through the pseudonyms.

Rather than giving good advice, Penny got angry at Leonard and Bernadette simply told him to talk to Alex. That was rather disappointing after such high hopes of solving his problem with Alex and spending $80 for a rush job on those shirts. If the Council of Elrond had been comprised only of women, the best outcome would have been that Sauron would have a cocaine addicted monkey in his shower and would have been talked to by Gandalf. He took back his t-shirts in disgust.

That night was a restless one for Sheldon. He tossed and turned thinking about crazed shower monkeys, the Lord of the Rings and red-headed Mexican sailors. Towards dawn his final dream manifested itself.

He found himself sitting on his porch back home when a gentle squeak from the porch swing let him know it was occupied. He turned to see his dad gently rocking the swing, nursing a Pabst. George Sr. looked over at his son and grinned. "Well I never thought I would live to see the day that my little Shelly had women troubles." He took a big swallow from his can.

"Technically Dad, no, you didn't." Sheldon squirmed uncomfortably.

George stared at Sheldon, and then let loose a large belly laugh. "I guess your right, Son. Always smart as a whip. Well Shelly women are effing pains in the ass. They're always either cryin', pissed of at ya or trying to take your pants off. Poor things can't help it, it's those damn hormones. Hey, have I told you that joke before? How do you make a hormone?" George looked at Sheldon with barely contained mirth.

Sheldon rolled his eyes and sighed. "You don't pay her."

"Ha ha ha ha. I've told ya that one before huh?" George took another swig of his beer.

"Dad, what should I do about this?"

"Shelly back in the day I could sweet talk the ladies with a few well placed words and a twinkle of the old Cooper blues." He punctuated his statement with a waggle of his eyebrows. "Now it seems that George Jr. got most of the charm, but you still have the eyes in your favor. Do your best. And if that don't work then you can just tell that little cupcake that she's being driven by estrogen and twaddle. She'll come around. Plus it never hurts to seal the deal with a firm smack on the behind." George leered at him and saluted him with his beer. "Now go get 'em, Tiger!" He clapped Sheldon hard on the back.

Sheldon awoke exhausted thirty minutes before the alarm was to go off. He stayed up and sleepily made his way to the shower.

On the way into work, Leonard looked over to find Sheldon dozing in the car. He took a chance on turning on the radio. He arrived at the university and shook Sheldon awake.

"Sheldon we're at work, come on."

"What was that woman carrying on about asking someone to call her maybe? Anyone with a grade school understanding of grammar should avoid this woman like the plague." Sheldon was cranky and fed up with the nonsense females caused. He had come up with a plan on what to do with Alex. Hopefully the library had the right book with colorful pictures.

Alex was having a stressful day. She had made up her mind after she listened to the last Sheldon After Dark transcript that she was going to refuse to transcribe them anymore. At the best he was asleep and didn't realize he was saying such things. At the worst he was waking up and saying these things on purpose to get some sick thrill out of having her write this stuff down. Either way it was getting difficult to look the man in the eye without thinking creepy thoughts.

She could tell that Sheldon was having a difficult day as well. He looked like he was about to say something to her, but then think better of it. This went on until four o' clock when she saw the "Give Alex a talking to." memo in that slot. Unfortunately without proper guidance from the Council of Ladies Sheldon's "talking to" was mostly the nonsense he remembered his father spouting off in various states of drunkenness. This was bad enough, but the cherry on top was the half page, full frontal picture of a man with gonorrhea. She fled the room, picked up the sleep transcript and went to see Mrs. Davis in human resources.

That night Sheldon felt smug in the fact that he had placed Alex once again on the path to knowledge and away from a life of sexual depravity. Leonard entered the apartment then and asked if Sheldon had said something to Penny about Alex flirting with him. Sheldon admitted he did and the only thing that happened was that Penny got upset with Leonard. Leonard informed him that he shouldn't have mentioned this to Penny. Sheldon was finding the conversation becoming tedious. He informed Leonard that he couldn't tell a uterus from a unicycle and that with such lousy advice Leonard was almost ready to join the worthless Council of Ladies. He was going to run his theory of how drinking too much soy milk was making Leonard a big girl when his phone rang.

"Huh. That was the Human Resources Department at the university. Apparently my assistant Alex has filed a complaint accusing me of inappropriate behavior in the workplace." Sheldon appeared baffled.

"Oh my God, what did you do?" Leonard didn't believe Sheldon could sexually harass anyone even if he tried.

Sheldon looked thoughtful "Hmm, let me think. Nothing. I'm a delight."

Leonard muttered "I wouldn't go that far." He was also puzzled about why Alex would file a complaint. "Well Sheldon, all I would suggest is to tell your side of the story and be completely truthful about it. I bet it was all a big misunderstanding."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "With that last statement of the obvious you just won yourself a seat on the Council of Ladies."

Leonard muttered again. "Why do I even try?"

When Sheldon met with Mrs. Davis the next day, he kindly explained his intent on saving Alex from a life of sexual promiscuity, by making her look at disease ridden genitalia. He also explained how all women were slaves to their biological urges, including Mrs. Davis. He was expounding on how it was tied to a woman's menstrual cycle when Mrs. Davis advised him to shut his mouth. Sheldon was confused on why he was in so much trouble when his friends did so much worse things than repeating simple biologic facts. So Sheldon threw all of his friends under the HR bus.

After finding out among other things, that Raj called her Brown Sugar, Janine Davis wanted to clarify all of those involved. "Hofstadter…Wolowitz…and the last one was Rajesh Koothrappali?" She looked questioningly at Sheldon.

Sheldon realized that he had just got his friends in trouble, so he decided to do a little damage control. "Yes. No yeah, but in his defense, that wasn't racist. He also is brown."

Janine looked at Sheldon, speechless. _Was this guy for real?_ "Doctor Cooper, I believe it is in your best interest to just stop talking now. You are digging yourself a very deep hole." She looked down to her desk and found a paper Alex had given her earlier. "Ms. Jensen also told me that she was transcribing the time that you were sleeping and that there were some disturbing words you were saying in your sleep that make her uncomfortable. She says she doesn't believe you are doing this purposefully, but it puts her in an embarrassing position. I have advised her to stop this portion of her duties and am telling you that this will no longer be considered an acceptable task for her."

Sheldon's composed and indignant attitude dropped. He was mortified. "What did I say?"

Sometimes being the HR lady was not easy. Janine cleared her throat. "She had said you had mentioned spanking, saying your girlfriends name and groaning. Then there was this latest transcript." She handed Sheldon the piece of paper.

"Amy"

"Wood"

"Feels good"

"Blow me"

Sheldon's eyebrows knitted together. "I see nothing wrong with this transcript. Amy is my girlfriend. There was an incident earlier that night that resulted from her tugging wood which resulted in my injury which led to a burning sensation that made her have to blow me."

"Dr. Cooper! I will not have you talk so graphically in my office! Ms. Jensen does not have to be subjected to you describing your manual and oral sexual gratification at the hands of your girlfriend!"

"Wh-what?" Sheldon had gone quite still, his eyes as big as saucers.

"Dr. Cooper, not another word. You will need to complete an online sexual harassment seminar, and there may be more exercises we need you to complete before we are satisfied you have understood that this behavior is unacceptable."

The rest of the meeting was a blur; with Sheldon still not sure of what he had done wrong. He went home that night riding silently besides Leonard.

"Hey Buddy, how did your meeting with the HR lady go?"

Sheldon looked morosely over to Leonard. "Apparently I have said things at night on my transcript that was construed as being sexually graphic."

Leonard could not believe that Sheldon could be sexually graphic if he studied for a month. So Leonard asked Sheldon what exactly was said during the meeting.

After laughing so hard that he had to pull the car over, Leonard agreed with Mrs. Davis and Alex that Sheldon After Dark should come to an end. He described to Sheldon as delicately as possible about how a dream of your girlfriend blowing on a wound could be misunderstood as her blowing some other place. Plus he explained what blowing even meant, which embarrassed them both. Sheldon couldn't even meet Leonard's eye until the next day.

That evening Sheldon had another dream about Amy and him playing a different game. And it was a good thing that there was no audio record of the evening.

Because this time it was anything but innocent.

**A/N: In our next chapter, a Federation landing party and a member of the Borg Collective discover an alternate dimension where the women in their lives finally appreciate great literature. Feel free to send any spare reviews you have lying around collecting dust.  
**


	11. Chapter 11

**The Cooper Neglect Theory  
**

* * *

**A/N: I know, I know. It's a week late. I have many lame excuses, but you don't want to hear them. However I did research Star Trek, Star Wars, Vitamins, Thor's Hammer, Red Hulk, Vasquez Rocks and the U.S. interstate system for this chapter. So though it is a week overdue, you may pick up a cool factoid or two.**

* * *

**Chapter 11: The "Heavy" Hammer Hullabaloo**

* * *

The man had two PhD's, was highly respected in his field and had written papers on physics that astounded scientists thirty years his senior.

But he still hung on every action of a make-believe robot.

"Android, Amy. Not robot." He shook his head a little too patronizing for Amy's liking and set his yellow tea mug down. "Lieutenant Commander Data is an android built by Dr. Noonien Soong. He is a fully sentient being, while robots are not." Again he gave her a smug look and the little shake of the head.

"OK, he's an android. Sorry." Amy didn't feel sorry. Well maybe a little for herself with the way this conversation was heading. "So is he a part of the Rebels like P3T0 and B12?"

Sheldon looked at her like she had asked him if he wanted a lap dance. Though she seriously doubted he knew what that was.

"P3T0 and B12?" He spit out. "Do you even listen when I tell you important things? It's C3P0 and R2D2. Really Amy, I know you are well aware that B12 is a water-soluble vitamin important in regulating the nervous system." Sheldon was looking at Amy as if he didn't recognize her.

"I know B12 is a vitamin, I just thought he shared the name with the android." Amy explained white knuckling her tea-cup.

"R2D2 is not an android, R2D2 is a droid."

Amy stared at him. "Are those words not interchangeable?"

"For the lay person sure. But not for me. An android is a type of robot that resembles a human being. A droid doesn't necessarily fit that category. A droid can be an android, but not all droids are androids. Get it?" He felt like he was spoon-feeding it to her. _How hard was it to remember something this important?_

"Wait, didn't you correct me when I said that the Data guy was a robot. You just told me that an android is a robot." Amy didn't want to be having this conversation over silly Star War Trek nonsense.

"Technically androids are robots, but highly evolved and similar in body shape and structure to humans. Mr. Data is even more so and close to lifelike. He even had an emotion chip placed in him in Generations, though I thought this detracted from the character as a whole." He frowned a bit, lost in his own world. Then he addressed her again. "Now to correct your error over the franchise confusion."

Amy didn't know what she did to deserve this. She knew once Sheldon got warmed up she was in for the long haul. She had to put a stop to this.

"You are getting the two franchises confused again. I thought that four-hour power point presentation was thorough and to the point. I did recommend taking notes, but you insisted you didn't need to. I bet you feel foolish now." He straightened in his spot and cleared his throat. "Now, Star Trek first aired on September 8th 1966. It was the vision of the late great Gene Rodenberry who sold the idea to Desilu Studios as 'Wagon Train to the Stars'. Wagon Train was a popular Western based…"

"Sheldon, I don't need to know all this. I simply asked when will you be back home from your comic book convention." Amy was not going to sit through another four hours of the difference between two boring space shows, all because of a simple question.

Sheldon's eyes lost their gleam as he realized she wasn't interested in what he was going to say after all. "Oh. We'll be back Sunday night." He looked down at the floor as if she had just told him they were breaking up.

She looked over at her dejected boyfriend and felt like the worst girlfriend ever. He definitely had her wrapped around his finger. She sighed and knew she was going to hate herself later for this. "Sheldon if you can briefly explain the difference between the two shows, that will be very helpful to me." He looked up at her excitedly and opened his mouth, but she interrupted him again. "Briefly, Sheldon."

He shut his mouth and his eyes pointed upward planning his next words carefully. "Star Trek originally aired for three years on NBC. It was later followed by several movies and then several syndicated spin-offs. Wil Wheaten…"

"Sheldon." Amy looked at him intently. "Briefer."

Sheldon opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water. He began again cautiously. "George Lucas was involved with…"

"Briefer."

"The Galactic Empire began when…"

"No. Sheldon, when I mean brief I mean brief. Twenty words or less." She gave him a no-nonsense look.

Sheldon thought it quite unfair. How can one pare down the differences of two of the greatest culturally significant entertainment franchises to a mere twenty or less words? He weighed his options and after several minutes he looked at her with dissatisfaction over his overly simplistic answer.

Amy truly loved him. But she could not see how he could get so hung up on all the minutia of these movies. They would be here all night, and they had to meet the others for dinner. She looked at him and patiently waited for his answer.

It clearly pained him to not give her the overly in-depth explanation but he gave it a shot. "Star Wars is a space opera fantasy. Star Trek is a scientific exploration adventure." He looked drained.

Amy counted up the words. "Sheldon, you had six words left. I'm surprised you didn't use them." She gave him a slight smirk.

He looked back, unamused. "Light sabers, Wars; Kirk, Spock, Trek.

* * *

After dinner and after Amy dropped him off at his place, Sheldon went back to the project he was working on. It kept him up past his bedtime, but it was well worth it. The turn by turn instruction hack he had found for the navigational system in Leonard's car was pure genius. Not only would Sheldon make sure that they got to their destination safely and accurately, but they would be learning along the way. He smiled smugly as he recited the last bit of trivia into the voice recorder. "Juneau, Alaska; Dover Delaware; Jefferson City, Missouri and Pierre, South Dakota are the four state capitals not served by the Interstate system." He made the last adjustment and felt a warm rush of satisfaction wash over him. This weekend was going to be just like the good old days. The days before the women had entered their lives and made things…complicated. He thought of earlier when Amy didn't seem interested in all of the information he had to offer regarding Star Trek vs. Star Wars. He used to not care if someone didn't enjoy things he liked. He would simply dismiss them as ignorant or deluded. Amy not being interested in Star Wars and Star Trek made him feel disappointed that she didn't appreciate the same things he enjoyed. He went to sleep fitfully.

* * *

With the men away, the girls hit the same brunch spot that Amy and Raj had gone to a few weeks prior. Amy still felt bad about what happened with Sheldon and told the girls. It was then that they decided to see what all the fuss was about. Next stop, Stuart's store.

* * *

When the girls entered the comic book store, all geeky eyes turned to them and stared. Bernie and Penny felt like a steak in a hyena pen. Amy however reveled in all the attention they received.

Stuart came over and tried to put a stop to the hungry admiration of his customers. It worked for a short while but it was too hard not to stare. For the fan boys, finding three females in the comic book store was as unique as finding a brass bikinied Leia waiting in their bed.

Stuart tried his best to be helpful. After all comic books were mainly read and produced by men. He wanted to make the girls comfortable with their choices and tried to steer them towards more substance and less zero gravity, double D cup boobs. Because in Stuart's experiences, women weren't as interested in shallow topics such as how sexy a character is.

"Oooh Thor! He's hot." Penny exclaimed.

_Never mind._ "Yeah, he kind of is." Stuart admitted. "Have you ladies seen the movie Thor? It came out last year."

They all nodded. "We all got roped into seeing that. It wasn't that bad." Penny admitted.

"Well since you have an introduction to the character and you think he's hot, how about trying his book out?" Stuart reasoned.

"Sounds logical." Amy nodded.

"Then, once you get caught up in the artwork and storytelling aspect of comic books, I can make further recommendations based on what you liked about Thor." Stuart gave them a friendly smile."

"I think it's a stretch to think that its going to lead to anything like that Stuart, but today we'll take three Thor's." Bernie looked skeptical.

They made their purchases and left for Penny's place. As they walked out the door, the staring openly started again. A skinny guy holding a handful of Manga books came up to the counter. He gave Stuart a nod as he watched the girls exit. "Wow huh?"

Stuart nodded back matter of factly and pushed out his thin chest a bit. "Yep. You know I used to date two of 'em."

The skinny guy looked at Stuart like he was a love God.

* * *

It seemed like a great idea at the time. Vasquez Rocks looked like a far-reaching, desolate alien moon. Raj did a terrific job on his makeup; he looked like the very epitome of Lieutenant Commander Data. But as they were wielding their weapons, and Mr. Data wielding his mind, common thieves stole the car and left them stranded in the desert. Now they found themselves walking in the blazing desert sun. They decided to blame Koothrappali for most of their misfortune, but the unbearable heat made them squabble still.

"You have pockets in your pants, how come you didn't put your car keys in them?" Sheldon grumbled at Leonard.

"There was no one around for miles. I didn't think it was going to be a problem." Leonard said curtly.

"The problem was as it always is … you didn't think." Sheldon would be haughtier if he wasn't so sweaty.

The edges of Leonard's bald cap were starting to come undone and curl. "Well Sheldon, your uniform has pockets as well. Why didn't you put your phone in your pocket? We could have called for help if you would have thought to do that. So can I say that you were not thinking as well?"

"I am always thinking!" Sheldon snapped. Then quietly, "Just not about that."

* * *

No one stopped to pick up the oddly dressed group. They ended walking several miles back to the dusty little diner they had whizzed by much earlier in the day. After several glasses of water and a call to Howard's mom, they started their journey back home.

The ride home was a very quiet affair and thankfully brief. They hadn't even gotten halfway to Bakersfield before their journey came to an abrupt end. But that forty minute drive home was tough. All they wanted was a long shower and to forget that this day ever happened.

As they dragged their sorry selves up the stairs to Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, Sheldon said what they all were thinking. "Well I say that's the last time we ever go outside."

Leonard reached for the doorknob but didn't turn it as they heard arguing coming from inside. It sounded like all three girls loudly bickering over Red Hulk and his ability or inability to pick up Thor's hammer. The boys couldn't believe their ears.

Raj turned to Howard puzzled. "Are they actually arguing about comic books?"

Leonard's eyebrows drew together "No, that can't be right."

Howard, equally confused, offered an unlikely solution. "Maybe Thor's hammer is a new color of nail polish?"

They stopped talking and continued to listen, very much intrigued.

Bernie's voice came through the door. "Then Red Hulk must be worthy."

Penny sounded doubtful "How can Red Hulk be worthy?"

"You don't know his life!" Bernie said sarcastically.

All the boys looked up after this exchange and had no more answers than when they had first arrived at the door. Why were the women who had shown no interest whatsoever in any of their fictional pursuits arguing loudly over a comic book? It was confusing. It was astounding.

It was titillating.

They didn't say a word to each other about it, but hearing the girls discussing comic books so passionately made every one of their hearts race. And Howard knew the cause this time wasn't his transient idiopathic arrhythmia.

Sheldon looked around at the others. He was just as excited as the rest, but it still didn't seem real. "There is only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension, where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.

Raj turned his head to Sheldon then Howard. "If it's an alternate dimension, sounds like a job for a landing party." The boys all looked at him.

They paused thinking for a moment when Sheldon quickly turned to Leonard. "Captain. What are your orders?"

"I say we investigate."Leonard tugged the hem of his uniform top and placed the battered bald cap on his head. He put his hand back on the doorknob, but was stopped by a cautious Sheldon.

"Wh-wh-wait." Sheldon unholstered his phaser and held it defensively. "They might be hostile." Wolowitz and Koothrappali followed suit, drawing their weapons.

Leonard agreed. "Fine, but set them to stun." He grabbed his phaser as well. "We vaporize Penny I'll never find a girlfriend that pretty again."

They readied themselves for the unknown and entered.

The room was strewn with comic books on the floor and covering the furniture. Take out Chinese boxes were dangerously close to the pristine issues. But despite this the boys were still more curious and excited than alarmed. Amy was seated in Sheldon's spot, and instead of being upset, he found it strangely comforting after his trying day.

The bedraggled landing party saw that the life forms in the apartment seemed to be their normal wife and girlfriends and not some malicious alien succubi. They holstered their weapons.

The girls all looked up at the sudden intrusion. "What are you guys doing home?"Penny asked. She noticed their disheveled appearance. "What happened to you guys?"

"We took a detour to take some pictures in our costumes and my car got stolen." Leonard removed the bald cap again and shuffled over to Penny.

Bernadette quickly rose to her feet and went over to Howard. "Are you all OK?" She wiped a smudge of grime off of his face and kissed his cheek.

"Yeah. We just had to walk for a long time because no one would pick us up. All of our wallets and phones got stolen as well. It's just been a bad day overall." Howard said dejectedly.

Amy wanted to hug her poor boyfriend badly, even though he was covered in some nasty looking stain. He looked at her and quietly said her name. "Amy?"

She self-consciously rose from his spot and walked to him. "Yes Sheldon?"

She was hoping he would ask for a consoling hug, he sure looked like he could use one. But he was probably calling her over to yell at her for sitting in his spot while he was gone. He had been through a lot this morning; so she would take it without complaint. She should have known better.

"You mentioned that Red Hulk was picking up Thor's hammer because Thor was touching it which is correct. However Red Hulk would not be able to wield Thor's hammer by himself, except when he is in the weightless environment of space."

Penny's face lit up as she leaned on Leonard. "See I told you two! Even though there is no 'up' in outer space, the hammer would be in a weightless environment and therefore not heavy."

"So the secret to wielding Thor's hammer is to just float around in space all the time, even if you are a supervillian with no redeeming qualities?" Bernie was getting worked up again. "The hammer can be used for evil purposes?"

"Well the hammer would need to be brought into outer space, and the only one who can lift it is Thor. So you would have to get him into outer space and take the hammer from him, which would be a feat in itself. Then you would need to be able to keep it away from him. He's not just going to let you have it." Howard surmised. Raj leaned over and whispered in Howard's ear. "Oh and Raj mentioned that you would have to also be able to withstand lack of oxygen, extreme pressure and cold just to survive in space." Raj nodded knowingly.

"Weeeeell… Thor is the primary person who can lift Mjölnir, but not the only one. So it wouldn't necessarily be Thor needing to hold the hammer. But anyone who is able to hold it, being lifted into space."

"That didn't answer the question. Can someone who is not deemed worthy be able to pick up the hammer in space?" Bernie was quite worked up indeed.

"No."

"Yes."

"It depends."

Leonard, Howard and Sheldon all answered at the same time. Raj not having had alcohol today shrugged his shoulders silently.

This started a new heated discussion that lasted for another hour. Amy loved watching Sheldon tackle a subject that he loved. His cheeks flushed with exhilaration and his voice was passionate. His hair was mussed which made him even more adorable in Amy's opinion. Like he just woke up. Or she had just run her fingers through it. _Easy Fowler!_ It was Bernadette who reminded them all that they would need to cancel credit cards and call the bank before it got too much later. The boys also remembered that they had spent several hours baking in the sun and badly needed showers. Bernie, Howard and Raj left for home and Leonard and Penny headed next door.

Sheldon rose to head to the shower, to wash this mostly horrible day away. Amy stood up as well.

"What did you get on your outfit?" She stood before him and traced the stain with the tip of her finger. He quivered.

"Someone threw their drink at me as they drove by." Sheldon was watching her as she watched his chest.

"Oh, Sheldon! How horrible!" She looked up at him and noticed the bemused expression on his face. "What is it?"

"I was just thinking that even though this day was absolutely dreadful, the fact that you showed an interest in something that I like made this day not a total disaster."

Amy smiled up at him. "The girls and I wanted to see why you enjoyed comic books so much. I can see where one could get caught up in the action and plot."

Sheldon beamed down at her. "You know the Avengers movie is coming out in May. We could all go see it. Thor will be in it."

_What have I done?_ Amy's smile slipped a little. "We'll see about that."

* * *

**A/N: Coming up next, when Sheldon and Amy mush their bathing suits together, boy howdy, is it magic. In a week. No foolin'! **

**If you have any spare reviews lying around, I'll take them off your hands.**


	12. Chapter 12

**The Cooper Neglect Theory pt12**

* * *

**A/N: Now, if you have read any of the other chapters, you know I try to paraphrase as much of the original dialogue as possible because:**

**A. Someone else who is a professional already got paid a lot of money to write it.**

**B. I'm rehashing dialogue you already know, probably by heart. You read fan fiction; you've seen these episodes at least three times already.**

**C. I have to transcribe all that dialogue. Blah.**

**This chapter does have a fair bit of lines from the show to refect the mood of the characters as they are speaking.**

* * *

**Chapter 12: The Intercourse Invention.**

* * *

Sheldon was deep in thought as he worked on his board. He didn't even hear when dinner arrived. He was so engrossed he was oblivious to the tempting aroma of the pizza. When Leonard reminded him about his food getting cold he dismissed the idea. He couldn't let a trivial thing such as cold pizza get in the way of unraveling the universes secrets. When Raj interrupted him again, this time with the more important topic of action figures, it piqued his interest. The thought of a little Sheldon Cooper action figure intrigued him, up to the point of not having Kung-Fu grip. Why would one bother having a personalized action figure without it? It was a waste of money. But he had no time to think of such mumbo jumbo. He had been asked two weeks ago to come up with a grant proposal for the new fusion reactor and he had hit a dry spell this afternoon. He continued to work at his whiteboard as the rest of the group ate dinner and inanely chattered.

* * *

The next day he was on fire. Numbers and equations came effortlessly to him as his marker squeaked across his white board. Yesterday he was hopelessly stumped which ground his progress to a complete halt. He spent most of the day doodling a really cool train on the back of the board he now was writing his finest work on. This was surely going to lead him to that elusive Nobel. His feeling of being on the top of the world was short lived as Barry Kripke slithered his way into his office and told him the horrible news. Working together with Kripke was like asking Steven Hawking to work with a Labradoodle. He was not going to dumb down his work for Barry's sake. This was a serious proposal that would help to fund the university. Physics moved fast in the Thunderdome and it would be Barry's own fault if he got left in the dust.

Sheldon was in a foul mood for the rest of the afternoon. When Leonard came by to take him home Sheldon curtly dismissed him, saying he had to work late. Leonard knew better than to ask him what was wrong when he was in one of those moods, so he turned on his heel and left to meet Penny for a movie.

* * *

The ride home on the bus was miserable. It seemed that everyone in the greater Pasadena area was on that bus and everyone was plague stricken. Sheldon shrunk as far away from everyone as he could, and tried to take as shallow breaths as he dared, so as not to breathe in the disease laden air. The only thing preventing him from becoming catatonic was the seething anger at having to work with Kripke.

* * *

Once home he became even more consumed with fury. His sour mood ruined his appetite, his stomach a churning pool of bile. He didn't even feel the need to take any antacids. The burning in his stomach felt appropriate for the rage he felt. He started working on his laptop, his fingers stabbing at the keys, muttering under his breath. He worked this way in silence for a while, then rose and put his iPod on the dock and put on his special playlist for such occasions. He strode over to the closet and snatched an Afghan from the shelf. He sat down shrouded in the Afghan as the menacing strains of "A Knife in the Dark" from The Fellowship of the Ring started to play. Yes, this was much better. He could brood properly now.

This was where Penny and Leonard found him an hour later, the Imperial March's boom echoing through the apartment. After pulling out the ingredients for the correct beverage for outrage, (cocoa) Leonard put them back and grabbed the ingredients for angry and despair, (hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks).

As Sheldon sipped the hot beverage, he jabbed at the remote for the sound system, and pulled the blanket back over his head. The Imperial March ended followed by the simple, chilling two note beginning of the Theme from Jaws. _Yes this was much better._

* * *

It took him an hour to come up with a way to delay Kripke. Sheldon thought that the classic "Blank paper in the Manila envelope" trick would buy him some time, and send a signal to Kripke about how ludicrous it was to have to collaborate with him.

It only bought him five seconds.

Kripke was smarter than he looked, he didn't fall for it a second time either. He handed his actual papers over to Kripke, just to get him out of his office. Then he turned his attention to the folder Barry had left behind. He pulled the papers out, ready for a guaranteed laugh.

But he wasn't laughing as he turned the page.

The second page wasn't funny either.

By the third page he knew he was in trouble.

* * *

Sheldon clutched at the blue mug in his hand like a drowning man would clutch a life preserver, the heat comforting him. Amy had come over just a short time ago, making tea and talking about her day. She had just told him of the monkey who reminded her of her uncle, when she realized her boyfriend acting withdrawn and still. Her brow furrowed in worry. "You've been awfully quiet tonight, is everything OK?" She sipped her tea.

Sheldon halfheartedly placed the mug of tea on the coffee table and replied flatly. "I'm fine."

Amy didn't believe this, but sometimes it was better to let Sheldon tell her what was troubling him at his own speed. She decided to proceed with a safe topic of conversation. "Alright well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?" She smiled at Sheldon warmly as she also put her drink down on the table.

Sheldon half sighed and turned away from Amy. He was ashamed of himself and he felt like a complete fraud. While he had been struggling with the problem of how to cool the lasers, Kripke had not only found a way, he had made it less expensive. While Kripke was solving the world's problems, Sheldon was busy drawing trains. He spit out his reply. "Yes."

The topic wasn't as safe as she thought after all. She had never seen him look so hopeless before. "Sheldon what's going on?"

He didn't want to tell her. But she had asked. He didn't want to appear stupid in front of Amy. Not her. He knew she admired his intelligence above everything. Kripke was going to give him a terrible time tomorrow, but he could face him and take whatever ridicule he dished out. He deserved it. He wished he could spare Amy the embarrassment of knowing that her boyfriend was intellectually stunted. But she was going to find out one way or the other and it would probably be best to hear it from him. He spoke haltingly. "I read his research...and... its leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means that the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy." He was close to breaking down entirely.

Amy knew that Sheldon prided himself on his intelligence and that this was a very hard blow to take. "Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better." She had that overwhelming feeling again to embrace him. She had wanted to hug him after the comic con robbery and after he told her that he missed dreaming about her, but had resisted. She was not going to let a third chance to comfort him pass her by. He probably wouldn't go for it anyway. "May I offer you a consoling hug?" She steeled herself for a derisive stare.

His body was crumbling inward on itself, his voice high and uneven."What do we have to lose?"

Amy was not expecting that answer, but she leapt into action nevertheless, scooting close to Sheldon. She wrapped her arms around her despondent boyfriend and held him tightly. "How's that." She hadn't hugged him since the tiara incident. But he hadn't asked for that hug. She was just too excited to contain herself at the time.

Sheldon Lee Cooper had not asked for a hug from anyone since his age had become double digits. He had received more hugs than he cared for, all given unasked by him and he had been forced to give them, mostly to relatives. He didn't even ask his Meemaw for hugs, but was happy to receive them from her alone. So when Amy held him tight he was very conflicted. He was shocked she still wanted to hug him, even though she knew he was stupid. The heat from her arms, the softness of her breast against his shoulder blade, the soft whisper of her breath and the tight grip were soothing to Sheldon. However it was still a lot for him to take in and process. He felt safe yet overwhelmed by the new touch and over stimulated. He answered her honestly. "I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor."

Amy released him immediately. She was hoping that she was being comforting for him, but apparently she had just made things worse. She was regretting she ever asked if he wanted a hug when his sad voice broke her heart. "Why'd you stop?" She grabbed his shoulders again and was rewarded with a small pat on the hand.

They stayed that way for several minutes, not saying a word, just Amy's strong grip around his shoulders. He did feel slightly better, but knew he was going to have to face Kripke tomorrow. Unless...

* * *

Leonard saw right through his fake fever. He was dumb if he couldn't even fool Leonard. Leonard proceeded to yell at him and he reluctantly got ready for work. And his humiliation.

Kripke did call him on his level of work, but did say Sheldon had some good insight on some topics. It was then that Sheldon caught an unexpected break. Kripke believed the reason Sheldon wasn't performing at the expected level was because he was having coitus with Amy. Sheldon couldn't believe his good fortune. A chance to save face and all he had to do was tell a little untruth. It surprised him how easily the lies came. No twitching eyes or lips. He didn't perspire and his voice remained even. He lied so well, he almost half believed all the laid he was getting. Kripke was grinning at him like an idiot, but at least he wasn't mocking him for being stupid.

* * *

That night at dinner Leonard asked if Kripke had teased him about his proposal. Sheldon told him how Kripke assumed that Amy and an active sex life were the reason for his shortcomings on the proposal. Leonard was surprised that Sheldon could lie so easily about a topic he had no experience with. Or the fact that he found it easy to lie about anything after his abysmal track record with fibbing.

After Leonard was instructed to cover for Sheldon by describing his lovemaking style as frequent, intense and whimsically inventive, Penny couldn't help herself. She had seen Sheldon slowly evolve over the years, though at a glacial pace, but he was not the same man she had met five years ago. He had changed, even if he wouldn't admit it to himself, and she knew that Amy was a big reason for that change. She had never seen Sheldon tell such a large lie without some type of nervous tic or being tongue tied. Maybe it was because he didn't feel the guilt he normally felt when lying. Perhaps thinking of having sex with Amy didn't make him feel guilty. She had to know."Sheldon, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Are you ever going to sleep with Amy?"

Both men's heads snapped up at this as they looked at Penny with alarm.

Sheldon knew his neighbor had poor manners at best, but that was an unexpected question. "That's awfully personal."

Leonard chimed in talking with his teeth clenched. "We don't ask Sheldon questions like that."

"Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?" Penny was not going to let it go that easily.

"Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling." Sheldon was trying to avoid his true feelings. Feelings that were becoming harder and harder to deny.

Penny couldn't understand how Sheldon who loathed any form of contact with any other human being would be OK with letting the whole university think he was having sex with his girlfriend. She knew part of it was to save face with Kripke, but it was very out of character. Unless he was getting to the point where sex with Amy wasn't as far fetched as it once was. "Alright, come on be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?"

Leonard was coming to the same conclusion."Alright we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?"

Sheldon knew that Amy was an important part of his life, but it was complicated. "Well first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy."

It seemed pretty obvious to Penny. "Then what's the problem?"

_What's the problem?_ Sheldon knew exactly what the problem was. He was terrified. Until Amy, Sheldon lived in a fortress of his own design, made to keep others out. He would tolerate others because there was no way he could totally do without human interaction no matter how happy it would make him. So he tolerated people who would make him food and drive him from place to place. Not unlike having helpful service monkeys. A few of those people became acquaintances and friends. Most people Sheldon met never made it that far.

Enter Amy. A brilliant woman, more like him than anyone he has ever met. Her dizzying intellect challenged and intrigued him. He was lost in her depths within a few months.

But then she started to change. The alcohol consumption, the girl's nights, the drunken kiss. All Penny's fault in his opinion. So it should have been easy to leave her. She clearly had different desires than he did now. He should be able to just walk away.

But he couldn't.

She still was a mystery he wanted to solve, one of those jigsaw puzzles that were double sided and borderless, with ten extra pieces thrown in just to confuse you. He was a scientist, and scientists seek answers, they thirst for knowledge. And as he sought out the secrets of Amy Farrah Fowler, he discovered one of his own.

He needed her.

He found she was a basic need to him now, such as breathing and sleep. He craved her company, and was not himself when he couldn't talk to her. But as she hinted at wanting a physical aspect to their relationship, he balked. He had never been at ease with human contact, even as a child. So it came as a surprise when he realized he could hold her hand.

Or cuddle her.

Or let her kiss him.

That's when he noticed he was changing too. And even though he continued to fight against this change, he knew one day the inevitable was going to happen. But until that fateful day, Sheldon was going to continue trying to use his intellect instead of his libido.

He answered Penny, picking his words carefully. "Penny, all my life I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others. Hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams." Penny nodded at this. "But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put Vaporub on Amy's chest. A year ago that would have been unthinkable."

Leonard couldn't help but tease Sheldon."Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you."

Penny got more information than she expected from her normally aloof neighbor. "OK. Hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might actually get physical?" She hung on the edge of her seat.

Sheldon knew the truth deep down, and pondered telling them, but decided he had already given away more than he was wanting to. "It's a possibility." He got up to get water for his suddenly dry throat.

Penny mouthed more than whispered. "Oh, my God!" She smacked Leonard's arm in disbelief. Her mouth hung open in shock. For Sheldon to say it was a possibility was huge. She turned toward Sheldon. "Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.

Sheldon gave her a smile and a half wave. He then heard loud smacking and his roommate crying "Ow!"

* * *

The rest of the week was a strange one for Sheldon. Every time he met with Kripke, the topic of conversation would lead to Sheldon's made-up sex life. He deflected questions as best as he could about toys and lingerie and squishing body parts together. It was getting tiring though and one day at work instead of going directly to Kripke's office for some notes, he detoured through engineering.

He found Raj there, but not Howard which was odd. Normally Raj came here only to see Howard. On the bench in front of him were some action figures.

Raj greeted him and motioned to the bench. "Hi Sheldon, look at these. I made action figures of everyone."

Sheldon looked at the colorful plastic figures. A tinier Leonard, Penny, Raj and Amy lay before him. He ran a finger down the little plastic pencil skirt of the Amy doll. "Where is Howard, Bernadette and me?"

"Howard took his and Bernie's home." Raj replied. He looked at Sheldon puzzled. "I thought you said you didn't want one without Kung Fu grip?"

Sheldon was still looking at the Amy figure raptly. "I guess that's true." He noticed the fine detail of the Amy doll with its bitty hair clip and sports watch. "Amy is going to love hers."

If Sheldon was paying attention to his friend instead of the action figure, he may have noticed a funny look on his face. But then again it was Sheldon, he may not have noticed anyway. "She actually was here yesterday and didn't want… hers."

Sheldon looked up at Raj. "She didn't want it? Then what are you going to do with it?"

"I thought maybe I could just put it next to my action figure on my bookshelf at home." Raj said casually. He then went in for the kill. "Or throw it away."

Sheldon had frowned at the thought of plastic Amy and Koothrappali fraternizing on Raj's shelf. But to suggest throwing Amy away?! "Absolutely not!" I'll take this home with me." He looked scornfully at Raj and muttered. "Throw it out." He picked up the figure and strode out of the lab.

Raj grinned. If Sheldon had stayed and looked at the machine's program closer, he would have seen that a Sheldon doll was planned and created. Raj knew that Sheldon may change his mind about an action figure, even if it didn't have Kung Fu grip. When Amy came by and was offered her own doll, she made a small request that was supposed to be kept under wraps.

That night Amy sat in her quiet apartment with a tiny Sheldon, with a tiny lightning bolt on his chest, sitting next to her dinner plate.

Across town, Sheldon placed the figure of Amy securely in his underwear drawer next to her hair clip and the ticket stubs. He gave one last look before closing the drawer.

* * *

Sheldon was hoping this was the last day he had to work with Barry. There were just a few finishing touches and the proposal would be complete. They had just finished proofreading the paper when Barry gave him that leering grin he had gotten too familiar with over the last week. "So, does your giwlfwiend make a wot of noise duwing sex?"

Sheldon was still not very knowledgeable in the activity that he proclaimed to be doing nightly. But he did know that good lies almost always have a grain of truth in them. He went with what he knew about Amy. "She does talk a lot."

Barry's eyes widened and sparkled. "A Tawkewr huh. Does she tawk diwrty? Does she caww you names?" Barry never thought Sheldon was very interesting to be around, but this week had been an eye opener. The man was insatiable!

Sheldon was forced to think something up again. "She calls me Dr. Cooper. And she doesn't talk dirty. She simply instructs me on where to place various body parts until we are both mutually satisfied."

Kripke smacked his shoulder. "Wucky dog. Wespectfuw yet bossy. Way to go Doctow Coopew. What a woman!"

Sheldon just wanted to go back to work but Barry wasn't done yet.

"So what about sex positions? You guys wike wevewse cowgiwl? Scissows? The Coitaw Awignment Technique?" Barry was practically salivating.

Sheldon didn't know any of those, they sounded made up to him. So why not make up his own? "Amy likes when I do the Kobayashi Maru to her and I enjoy the Sarlacc Swirl. It sure puts a spring in her step I tell you." He gave a sideways look to Kripke to see if he bought it.

Hook.

Line.

And sinker.

"You beast!" Kripke hooted.

* * *

**A/N: I love Barry, but man is he hard to write! Next week:**

"**Hello. This is Sheldon."**

"**And this is Amy."**

"**We're not home right now."**

"'**Cause we out droppin' science son!"**

"**Leave a review."**

**Did you see what I did there? Of course you did, my readers are exceptionally bright!**


	13. Chapter 13

**The Cooper Neglect Theory**

* * *

**A/N: Well readers, this is the episode that launched this story. It started as a one shot about Sheldon complaining about Amy's slippery lips, but a few paragraph changes and ta-da here it is chapter 13. Couldn't have made it without your support. Thank you!**

* * *

**Chapter 13: The Traumatic Tome**

* * *

Sheldon Lee Cooper was not a coward. At least that is what he kept telling himself.

He sat on the edge of his bed, hands clenching his pants and stared at it intently. It rested there on his bedside table, dangerous and disturbing like a venomous spider. Or a bird. He was the one who placed it there, holding it by two fingers and then dropping it on the table like a hot potato. After recent events, he had screwed up his courage and removed it from the bottom of the box at the bottom of his closet, but now he didn't know if he was up to the task. He inhaled deeply through his nose and exhaled slowly through his mouth, cheeks puffing. This was ridiculous! Why would an inanimate object cause such trepidation? He was a grown man for crying out loud. A highly intelligent, accomplished physicist, with a burning desire for knowledge, and an eidetic memory which helped to retain said knowledge.

He glanced at it again, and felt it was mocking him.

Sheldon Lee Cooper had never backed away from the opportunity to learn something. His burning curiosity of how the world worked, served him well. At the age of four, he had read everything in the house including the bible and every volume of the dusty, old encyclopedia set in the attic. He understood the building blocks of the universe, he could write calculus equations in his sleep, and everyone raved over his sourdough bread. But a few subjects just didn't interest him whatsoever. Football. Babylon 5. Greek food. But he still knew more about those things than most people could learn in a lifetime. There was, however one subject that he knew very little of, and never felt the need to know more about. A subject he never thought he would have to deal with. A topic that made his stomach uneasy, and yet, his heart beat faster.

His eyes darted back to the table.

But situations as of late were making his lack of knowledge on the subject difficult for him. It got him in trouble with human resources, and it almost tripped him up with Kripke.

The book, like Pandora's Box, sat waiting for him to open it and release all manner of demons upon his world.

That infernal book!

* * *

He had skimmed through it three times prior and it had given him nightmares.

They had given it to him after he announced that Amy was possibly the host of an alien parasite which later proved to be just her becoming sexually aroused. Penny and Leonard presented it to him privately, because they knew that Wolowitz would never let the topic die. He had scoffed at them when they gave it to him, but that night his natural curiosity got the better of him and he read the first few pages. It was then that a large photo of a couple kissing made him close the book with disgust and flaming cheeks. That night he dreamt of flashes of green eyes and pink soft lips. He thought of terminating his relationship with Amy again, but thought better of it. He didn't want to deal with all those litter boxes again.

Five weeks later when Leonard was "entertaining" Mrs. Latham, he was instructed to read the book again. He picked up where he last stopped on page 3, the kissing couple were still there where he left them, arms around each other and lips pressed together. His mind flashed to Amy kissing him that way and he instantly dismissed the notion. Amy had shown no interest in kissing him. And he certainly had no intention of ever kissing her. Their relationship was strictly of the mind, so why would his brain jump to such conclusions? He should be able to pick up this book and read it in a detached, scientific fashion. He read another few pages almost making it through the first chapter before he was overwhelmed and slammed the cover shut after a paragraph describing female anatomy. For the next week Sheldon awoke in the middle of the night after dreaming of undressing a very willing Amy Farrah Fowler. The book was delegated to a box and shoved to the back of the closet until one day, over a year later, the unspeakable happened.

Leonard beat him playing 3D chess.

He had been distracted by his now girlfriend manipulating him by making him his favorite food and drink and getting him the chance of being an Amtrak junior conductor for a day. He was starting to think of her at inopportune times and felt himself having affectionate feelings towards her. Leonard had mentioned the book again and Sheldon dreaded what else he would find to torment him and cause nightmares.

That night he opened the book to the last page he had read and began again. He finished chapter one finally and was halfway through chapter three when a section involving intimacy made his hands tremble. He shut the cover and closed his eyes gulping. He walked to the box eyes still shut, lifted some other older books and slipped the hated book under the rest. Once the box lid was shut he opened his eyes and put the box as far back in the closet as possible, and put another box on top of that one. He treated the book like it was the One Ring. Keep it secret, keep it safe. Although the book was ultimately more dangerous than anything Sauron could come up with.

* * *

He gingerly picked the book up and placed it in his lap. _It's just a book, it's just a book._ He ran his finger along the spine of the book, tracing the letters. Was he ready to do this? Because the blessing and the curse of an eidetic memory is that you remember everything. And once seen, it could never be unseen. He remembered everything that has happened to him since he was two. He may not have understood it all, but he remembered. He could recall every time Amy smiled at him adoringly and every time she was bitterly disappointed in him. At least when he realized it. Once he read the book in its entirety, it could never be unread and never forgotten. After another fifteen minutes of staring at the book with suspicion, his shaking hand opened the cover to page 19.

He was surprised at how far he got in one night. There were a few panic inducing areas, but not as bad as the first few times he had tackled the book. He had to put the book down a few times and pace the length of his room, but was able to return to it and with deep breaths, continue. He tried to read the book with clinical detachment, but images of Amy seemed to crop up unbidden during certain passages. That is when he needed a break, that is when he paced.

When the last page was read, he shut the book knowing he never had to read the cursed thing again. There were several things, mostly involving slang that he now understood, though truthfully he didn't want to. He felt confident he could now expertly hold up his side of a sexually explicit conversation. Truth be known he also felt confident learning how to swim online, though he hadn't been in any more water than his twice daily showers.

That evening his new found knowledge and his girlfriend teamed up in his unconscious and did unspeakable things to him. He awoke gasping and panting, covered in sweat and sure that not all knowledge was a positive thing.

* * *

A few days later, Leonard was having another hissy fit. Sheldon had kept a log of these irrational outbursts to show Leonard's doctor when the symptoms manifested. Leonard refused to seek medical help in this matter, so he sneakily monitored Leonard for gynecomastia. Luckily so far he remained only an A cup. Several years of drinking soy milk was making him so emotional. For example they were just having an interesting conversation and he got all bent out of shape over Dumbledore dying. It was a seven year old book for goodness sake. Maybe it was a good thing he wanted to move out, his girly behavior was getting tedious. Since Amy was coming over soon, maybe she had some insight into what to do with Leonard.

* * *

Sheldon didn't know how it had all went horribly wrong, so horribly fast. He was placing Leonard's belongings in a box, recollecting every detail about the day they had purchased them. It was a bittersweet memory when he came to the Longclaw sword. He never thought that Leonard and he would ever live apart. He tolerated Leonard more than anyone else. He looked over to Amy. Well almost anyone else. He was still angry over Leonard's tirade and felt maybe a change was in order. Maybe it was time for a new roommate that was intellectually stimulating, capable of eating dairy and could appreciate his brilliance. Though he would have to still break him in. It took years to get Leonard to a point that was tolerable. Why did bad things always happen to him?

Amy fiddled with the pen in her hand, the list of Leonard's items forgotten as she listened to Sheldon's complaints. She came up with the perfect solution. "What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist, and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?" She tried to keep herself still, but she was losing that battle to her excitement.

Still distracted, (Later on he would blame the graphic novels he was sorting, and since they were Leonard's he blamed Leonard as well.), Sheldon blindly answered. "That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on no further questions asked." He thought Raj would not be a bad choice. He had moved in briefly before.

Amy's face lit up with a smile so bright that it could easily power a small city for a year. This relationship was finally getting a nudge in the right direction. She would be able to spend more time with Sheldon and then who knows what will happen. "Great, here I am!"

He had a feeling that something bad had happened and his head shot up from the books he was sorting. Sheldon was still not aware of the trap he had walked in so willingly. "Wait. Here who is where?" He looked at Amy with narrowed eyes. He could not recall her looking so happy in a long time, but he was too busy hearing warning bells to register it.

Amy's smile faltered at his question, but she knew he would think it was a great idea once she explained how compatible they were. "Me! Aren't I your perfect roommate?" Her face was the picture of utter joy.

The highly educated man with two doctorates presented the best argument he could with the facts he had at hand.

"Ummm.."

The more Amy thought about it the more excited she got. It just made perfect sense. "Think about it Sheldon, I'm not a stranger, we're intellectually compatible, I'm willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, that others find abhorrent or rage inducing, I find cute as a button." She was beaming over at him as he sat dumbstruck on the couch. "What do you think?" She wasn't expecting him to throw his arms around her and marvel at her great idea, but he did have to see that logically it made sense.

"Umm…"

"Tell me one reason why this isn't a fantastic idea." She knew there wasn't one.

_Page 3, page 8, page 12, page 22, page 37, page 41 through 47, and dear Lord page 54. _"Ummm…"

"See you can't. I'm going to see in Leonard's room is big enough for my waterbed." She leapt up and hurried off to Leonard's room.

_Page 57, page 60, page 63, page 69... _"Ummm…"

When Sheldon appeared panicky at her door, Penny was already preoccupied by Leonard's bombshell of him living with her. But when she heard that Amy was going to move in with Sheldon, her inner gossip took over. She was going to have to text Bernie.

This was happening less than a week after telling them that becoming physical with Amy was a possibility. What did these new living arrangements mean for the Shamy? It seemed like Sheldon was ready to move faster than her. But then Sheldon said he wasn't ready for this yet, though he had no good argument against it. She knew exactly what that felt like.

After Leonard rudely slammed the door in his face, Amy appeared in the doorway excitedly asking about when she would get her key.

_Oh boy._

* * *

An hour later, Sheldon's new found knowledge was no comfort to him. Page 54 kept coming back in vivid detail as he thought of Amy moving in with him. He was doomed. It was only a matter of time before he was gripping those curvy hips and…

"Sheldon, are you paying attention?"

He looked up from his tea and gave Amy his full attention again. "Umm…"

"I asked what color bath towels you would like. I've always found the color blue to be relaxing." She gazed deeply into his eyes. Amy's face was almost starting to hurt from all the smiling she had been doing today.

Sheldon looked at her as if she had spoken a different language. Blue? Towels? Relaxing? He thought of the color blue, then a towel and then… Then he thought of Amy wrapped in a sky blue fluffy towel, hair dripping, body wet, the towel just barely covering all her tantalizing bits. Relaxing? Not in the slightest.

"Not blue."

Amy's 1000 watt smile dimmed to 900. "OK not blue, how about green?"

Green. Green cardigans, green eyes. Page 54.

"No. Not green either."

Amy was down to 800 watts. "Fine." She rose from the couch and grabbed her purse. "I guess basic white will be fine. Oh, maybe I can find 'His' and 'Hers' bath towels. Wouldn't that be cute?" Her smile was back up to full wattage as she left the apartment.

* * *

Amy was on cloud nine as she drove back to their apartment. She loved the sound of that. _Their apartment._ She had found the towels and a few other odds and ends that would make their apartment cozier. The smell of the Chinese food was making her stomach growl and she was proud that she got all of Sheldon's special substitutions right. She just knew he was going to be so happy about her living with him, helping him with day to day living. It was sure to bring them closer. It was going to be great.

* * *

Sheldon had been brooding ever since she left. He couldn't do this. He needed to find a way to tell her that he was uncomfortable being in such a close proximity with her for days, weeks or months on end. Seeing her first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. Her trying to catch glimpses of him in the shower. Her ever present scent of shampoo and that essence that he just knew as "Amy". He was a man of intellect, not a hippy. If he were exposed to Amy Farrah Fowler 24 hours a day, it wouldn't be long before they would be performing page 3, page 22 and page 60 on a daily basis. Not to mention page 54 twice on Sundays. Science needed him, the world needed his research and there was no way he was going to get his Nobel shacking up with her.

He was hoping against hope, that she would do something wrong. Then he would have a flimsy excuse to say that this just wasn't going to work out after all. She had brought home groceries as well as dinner. The groceries all met or exceeded his expectations, down to the eggs all being of equal size. She also had got his take out order right, the soy sauce and mustard as well. He tried a different tactic, but it backfired because she didn't think living together would take the mystery out of their relationship. The voicemail message seemed to solidify the fact that she was actually moving in. Sheldon panicked as he realized in the near future, a thin door or two would be the only thing between a naked Amy and him. He involuntarily dipped his eyes to look at her breasts. This madness had to stop.

"You can't live here."

Amy's face crumbled. "What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in." Her words were quivering and shaky.

Sheldon felt bad for her, but knew it had to be done. "No, it's not the message."

"Well what is it then? I did everything just the way you like it." Her voice sounded soft and lost.

She actually did everything perfectly. This was why it was so difficult to see her so dejected. He needed to let her down gently. "You did."

Something snapped deep inside Amy. She had tiptoed around Sheldon for years. She had ignored him to varying degrees of success. She had done everything he wanted and he still was not satisfied. Anger bubbled up like molten lava, and Mount Amy blew her top like a fiery volcano. "Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you." She rose to pace around to blow off steam. "I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss 'cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery!" She marched over in front of him which startled him. "I am the best girlfriend you're ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can't live here."

Sheldon truly was frightened. He had never seen Amy like this and he didn't like being on the receiving end of her rage. He didn't want her to be mad at him anymore, but he also couldn't have her living here. He panicked. "It's Penny's fault."

Amy's anger towards him dissipated replaced with confusion. "What?"

Sheldon was just glad that she wasn't yelling at him anymore and continued to throw Penny under the bus. "She doesn't want to live with Leonard, so he has to come live here again. She's the snake in our garden. She's the reason we can't be happy." Sheldon thought that this just might work.

His brilliant plan unraveled in minutes as Amy went to confront Penny. Then the truth came out. Well the truth about him not wanting Amy to live with him, but not the truth about why.

He saw the blossoming rage and disappointment as she stormed over to him and branded him a coward.

And looking back at all he had put her through, he had to admit he was.

* * *

**A/N: Next time Sheldon and Amy don't celebrate a little holiday called Valentine's Day. You should make a New Years resolution to post a review.**


	14. Chapter 14

**The Cooper Neglect Theory  
**

* * *

**A/N: Did you guys realize there was no Valentine's Day episode during season 5? It didn't sink in till I was writing this story. The Shamy was a couple by then, so why didn't they celebrate. I blame Sheldon.**

* * *

**Chapter 14: The Amorous Apathy Assuaging**

* * *

Penny looked at Amy like one would look at a ticking time bomb.

Amy was too busy nursing her bruised ego and the glass of Sauvignon blanc, to notice the wary look her bestie was giving her. Penny felt like she had hopped out of the frying pan and smack dab into the fire. "So Ames, that thing you said about moving in here...you were just kidding...right?" Penny took a larger gulp of wine than she had intended, swallowing loudly.

_Great, no one wanted to live with her._ "Yeah, I was just kidding." Amy was to the point where she almost wished that she had never met any of them. At least when she was all alone there was nobody around to reject her. She slowly shook her head in disbelief. "I did everything right for him. He even told me so. I had to go to three different stores to find the right mustard, I measured the eggs with a ruler, and I even drove an hour out of my way to find his favorite antibacterial hand soap that has been discontinued." She sighed deeply and covered her eyes with her hands. "I can't keep doing this without some type of response. I just feel incredibly foolish."

Penny looked at her sympathetically. "You know Amy; I have known Sheldon for six years. If someone would have asked me if I ever thought that Sheldon Cooper would ever have a girlfriend, I would have instantly said no way." Penny patted Amy's hand gently. "He's showed absolutely no interest romantically in anything animal, vegetable or mineral for almost thirty years, then you come along and BAM, he's a changed man." Amy looked at Penny slightly frowning. "OK, for Sheldon he is a changed man."

"I'd like to believe that Penny, but he just is moving so slowly." Amy nervously twirled her wine glass by the stem. "I know I was a little socially inept when I met all of you…" She was interrupted by Penny choking on her wine. "But I got the hang of things pretty quickly."

"Well, I think the reason behind that was you wanted to feel like you belonged, you wanted to fit in. Sheldon doesn't want to. He feels it is beneath him to act like a normal person, or to give in to baser urges and feelings. He even thinks he is a different species that is above all that." Penny put her hand on Amy's slumped shoulder, which made Amy look up from the floor at her. "But let me tell you something Amy. He does things for you that I never thought I would see him do for another human being. And it's not because he is forced into doing it. He is doing those things for you and you alone."

Amy looked at Penny and knew what she said was true. She had come to grips with the fact that she was madly in love with the brilliant and handsome Dr. Cooper. But would he ever get to the point where he was in love with her? It was asking a bit much to expect a man who mocked everything romantic to admit his undying love to another. She knew she was alone in her feelings for now. And although she knew he had changed for her, she didn't expect any real growth anytime soon. Or any dramatic declarations of love towards her for that matter.

Penny patted Amy on the back. "Do you feel any better?"

Amy gave her a weak smile. "A little."

Penny smiled back. "Good. Now let's rip those jerks to shreds!" Penny hunkered down with a malicious look in her eye. "Leonard had some nerve of just assuming that he could move in with me. I mean I'm not ready for that type of commitment yet. He knows I have issues with…"

Amy twirled her wine glass again. It was going to be a long, long night.

* * *

At the Rostenkowski-Wolowitz apartment a few weeks later, Team Amy was meeting for an informal dinner. As Howard passed the green salad, Amy addressed them both. "This was a nice idea for us to get together for dinner. How have the two of you been?"

Bernie looked very tired as she put a slice of pizza on her plate. "I've been putting in 16 hour days at work the past few days. So you might think that someone else would go pick up the pizza." She eyed Howard accusingly.

Howard looked indignant. "I'm sorry, but I lost track of the time. I was having a hard time getting past a mission on Assassin's Creed." He smiled at Amy with embarrassment, and then turned back to his wife speaking with a hiss. "Can we talk about this later?"

Amy felt the chill from the look Bernadette gave Howard. Maybe this wasn't the best time to ask them for advice. But how often were only the three of them together like this? She had to try. Amy cleared her throat and steered the topic back to her issue. "Well, while I have you here, I was wondering if you have any advice on what I should do about Valentine's Day. Sheldon and I didn't celebrate last year because the relationship agreement states, there is a moratorium on holidays as a couple, until the first year anniversary of the relationship." She smiled at them, but the smile didn't reach her eyes.

They both looked at her with that look she had become way too familiar with. Pity. She hated that.

Bernadette smiled at Amy kindly and asked quietly, "Well what did** you** want to do for Valentine's Day?"

Amy knew that Sheldon was not going to go for what she wanted to do in a million years. But she had a general idea of how a traditional Valentine's Day should be. "I was thinking of exchanging gifts and dinner at a nice place, maybe somewhere a little fancy."

"Then that's what you should plan. If Sheldon cares anything for you he should agree to do this because it's something you want to do." Bernie turned to her husband catching him with a full mouth. "People in relationships put their partner before them. Especially if they are working long hours and the house could use straightening up before a friend comes over for pizza."

Howard shot her a petulant look as he swallowed. "I told you I was busy Ma… my little Bernadette." He shut up before he ended up on the couch. Again.

Bernie glared at Howard before completely changing her expression and turning back to Amy. "Amy, this is your first Valentine's Day in a relationship." Amy was about to correct her that it was the second, when Bernie remembered Sheldon's contractual hogwash. "I mean first Valentine's Day you are allowed to celebrate together. I say you should do what will make you happy. And if Sheldon has any objections, I will be glad to have a little talk with him." Bernie gave a deceptively sweet smile and viciously took a bite of her poor defenseless pizza.

* * *

The next day after a movie with Sheldon, Amy decided to bring up Valentine's plans. It was only a few days away and Amy hadn't asked him yet because she was afraid he was going to make a big scene. They were in her car, nearing his apartment when she just blurted it out. "Sheldon it's almost Valentine's Day. What are we going to do to celebrate?" She made sure to check her mirrors more than usual, and avoid eye contact. Her stomach twisted.

Sheldon was surprised more by how late she was asking about plans than the fact that she had actually asked about making plans. He had placed all the essential hippy dippy holidays on his calendar with a reminder one month before the day in question. He was expecting this topic for a while.

But that didn't mean he needed to agree to such nonsense.

So after a five minute tangent about chilies proving that the rectum has a sense of taste, Sheldon felt confident that he had defused the situation. They were climbing his stairs now and he felt he was home free. However the incredibly intelligent man with the eidetic memory forgot he had an equally intelligent girlfriend with an important conversational topic.

"I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine's Day?"

_Drat!_ "Oh you caught that did you?"

Amy rolled her eyes. "Yes Sheldon, we didn't do anything last year, per the Relationship Agreement, so we need to do something nice this year."

It was Sheldon's turn to roll his eyes. "Nice" normally meant dressing up in a scratchy suit and eating in a restaurant that didn't serve cheeseburgers. "Nice" sometimes meant alcohol and an inebriated Amy, who tended to get touchy feely when under the influence. In conclusion, "Nice" was anything but nice for Sheldon. His voice was ringed in defeat. "What form of torture did you have in mind?"

Amy's mouth twitched at his tone. She had been with Sheldon long enough to know that one tactic he liked to use to get his way, was to just complain about something long enough until you gave up due to sheer frustration. It was not going to happen this time. _Nope. No way. No how._ "I was thinking about having a romantic dinner and exchanging gifts."

_Did this woman just meet me today?_ "Amy the burden of gift giving…"

Amy wasn't having it. "Sheldon, it is a non-optional social convention to give a gift to your romantic partner on Valentine's Day."

They were finally at Sheldon's door. "But Amy, don't you feel…"

"Sheldon. I don't ask much from you. I agreed we wouldn't do anything last year, the least you could do is make an effort to make it up to me this year. I will make the dinner arrangements and I need you ready to go, in a suit, by 6pm on Valentine's evening. I will come by and pick you up. Do I make myself clear?" She had covered all the bases and left him no other choice but to comply.

Sheldon felt that this was quite unfair. To delay his answer he unlocked the front door. He threw a nervous glance at her unamused face, wanting to point out the ridiculousness of her plans. Any false hopes of opposition died in that instant he saw her set jaw. "Yes." He muttered, as he turned the knob and walked through the door, utterly defeated.

Amy on the other hand was jubilant. Finally a real romantic Valentine's date with a real boyfriend.

* * *

It was when she got home, and her victory wore off, that she realized she forgot the most important thing. If Valentine's Day was supposed to be a day to appreciate the one you love, why was she forcing Sheldon into a night of things he absolutely loathed? She knew he despised giving gifts, yet she had demanded one from him. She knew he hated to eat at fancy restaurants, and she had insisted they go to one. What she was doing was horribly selfish, and not a way to show Sheldon how much she adored him. She felt like the worst girlfriend ever. She sat down on her couch wondering how she could have done such an unthoughtful thing to Sheldon. But then she had an idea, and the more she thought about it, the more she liked it. And she knew that Sheldon would absolutely love it.

After Amy left, Sheldon felt very sorry for himself. He hated that she had strong-armed him into an evening of forced romance and gift giving. He was about ready to meltdown completely when a thought occurred to him. If Valentine's Day was supposed to be a day to appreciate the one you were fond of, why was he not trying to make her happy? It was only one evening of his life. One boring, nonsense-filled evening. But what about the gift giving? Even if he wanted to, he didn't know the first thing about buying gifts. He started to meltdown again when he remembered an untapped resource available to him. Alex. He would get her to do the tedious task of gift buying, while he continued to do worthwhile scientific endeavors.

He knew he had some cash at work, but wasn't sure if it was enough. He locked the front door and clicked the deadbolt in place. He then stealthily crept to Green Lantern's hollowed out buttocks to get more money.

* * *

It was lunchtime on Valentine's Day. Sheldon thought Alex would have been back by now. How hard could it be to pick up some gray, monkey themed gift? He picked at his three bean salad with disinterest. Raj brought his tray over to the table and noticed that Sheldon seemed worried. "What's wrong Sheldon? Having problems with Amy?"

Sheldon furrowed his brow in Raj's direction. "Why do you think that? No. I was just hoping that Alex would find Amy an acceptable gift for tonight."

"Alex is buying Amy's gift? Why aren't you buying it?" Raj was now the one with furrowed brows.

"I am a busy man, Raj. I need to discover the secrets of the universe, not be bothered by buying trinkets that a subordinate can rustle up from the mall." Sheldon huffed at Raj.

"Sheldon, Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the idea of love, the gift should come from you." Raj frowned. Sheldon opened his mouth to protest but Raj interrupted him before he could. "Yes Sheldon, love. Let me finish. Love is a rare and beautiful thing enough, when you feel that way towards someone special. But it is even more so when someone loves you in return."

Sheldon was about to mention he never said anything to anyone about being in love with Amy, when Raj spoke over him again. "Sheldon, there is nothing so great in this world as two people, able to take care of each other and nurture each others souls. I would give anything in this world, and the next, to have the special bond that you two have. To be able to care for another person you love is the greatest gift of all."

Sheldon stopped thinking about setting the record straight with Raj and thought about what he had just said._ Do I love Amy? I don't even want to think about that. Would I ever be able to tell her if I did indeed love her? Probably not._ It was all happening way too fast. They had known each other only around 1000 days and he knew if they kept up this lightning fast speed, they would be in bed together by May.

He looked at Raj, and though he had a hard time reading people, Sheldon thought he looked sad. "Raj, thank you for the advice, I will keep it in mind. What are you doing tonight?"

Raj still looked forlorn, but gave Sheldon a small smile. "Stuart is having a singles party at the comic book store tonight. You're a lucky man, Sheldon. Not everyone has someone to love on Valentine's Day." Raj stared off into space wistfully. "It really is a shame that Stuart isn't a woman."

Sheldon thought it best if he remained quiet after that comment, and picked at his salad again.

* * *

Valentines evening was here and Sheldon was in a state of panic. Alex had not been able to find a suitable gift for Amy with a full day's time and $2000. _I should have given her more money! And bought a gift myself, those ideas were terrible. _Sheldon didn't know how he was going to show her how much he… liked having her around without a proper gift. He desperately went to his laptop and started looking at ideas. Chocolate and flowers seemed to be the most popular gifts online, closely followed by lingerie. Sheldon's eyes bugged at the thought of giving Amy a few measly strips of satin and lace. But worse was the image in his head of her wearing it. His hands got sweaty and the keyboard keys became slippery, as he navigated away from the Victoria's Secret webpage and cleared his browser history. He knew he was in deep trouble as it was 5:30 and the only thing within walking distance was a gas station.

He was toying with the idea of a bouquet of Slim Jims when his eyes lit up with an idea, thanks to Raj.

* * *

His first thought on opening the door was that she didn't look very dressed up to go out to eat. He showed her his fake smile he had practiced for the evening. His second thought was outright suspicion over the cancellation of their plans for this so called "better way" to celebrate the day. The third was disbelief at her willing to stay at home with a pizza and a movie after all the fuss over romance. The fourth thought was that Raj was correct, he was a very lucky man, and wished he could make her feel the same way. He handed her the paper he had just printed ten minutes earlier, with a genuine grin plastered on his face. The look of joy on Amy's was like receiving another gift.

It was the second time within a few weeks that she had embraced him. Last time he was distraught and couldn't think of much besides his own problem. This time he could appreciate the warmth of her body against his and the heady scent of her hair. He breathed in deeply and felt his stomach flip several times. The feeling was becoming more and more familiar to him, but still startled him each time it happened. He only complained once about ordering his dinner, then he just let her hold him and stayed motionless, entranced. After a few minutes of bliss, she realized he was probably not enjoying being squeezed so tightly, or being touched at all for that matter and released her grip. She was still grinning from ear to ear as she pulled away from him and her eyes searched his face for traces of irritation. Her smile failed her as she noticed his expression.

Sheldon eyes were crackling blue fires and his little grin was still there. He was looking at her in a way that made her heart thump in her throat. She looked back into his eyes and felt her cheeks flame. They stayed that way for what seemed like hours until Sheldon, cheeks also rosy dropped his eyes to her lap and her small hands balled up on her knees. There was a moment of awkward silence that was broken by Sheldon hoarsely stating, "Now let's order my pizza."

* * *

They finished eating their pizza while watching the Star Trek reboot. Amy was surprised that the Spock on this movie was more emotional than the older movies she had watched with Sheldon. She was also surprised that Uhura and Spock were romantically involved in these films. She was watching a tender moment between them when she felt Sheldon's hand brush hers gently where it lay on her lap. She held her body completely still so she wouldn't startle him. She opened up her loosely closed fist, and felt Sheldon's large hand envelop hers. She continued to face the television, but did not comprehend anything but the feel of Sheldon's hand clasped around her own. Her heart danced in her chest as she realized he actually took her hand willingly. She was still marveling at this when she felt it.

Sheldon was intermittently rubbing his finger gently against her palm. She forgot to breathe and Amy was spellbound as Sheldon traced his way along her sensitive skin. This may be a one time occurrence so she decided to just enjoy the feel of his finger for as long as he would continue. As the shock wore off, she felt his finger lift from her hand, and touch her palm again, tracing up, then down at a 45 degree angle. His finger then lifted again and drew a short line midway between the two lines.

Amy had a hunch and concentrated on those movements of his long tapered fingers as she continued to ignore the movie. He lifted his finger again, moved his fingertip to the fleshy part of her palm and made a shape with two humps. Amy's heart stilled as she waited for the next shape. He lifted his finger and she felt a short line, then a longer line that touched the base of the short line. She had assumed right. He did spell it out against her unsuspecting palm.

**Amy.**

He had been tracing her palm for a while now. Was there a bigger message that she had missed? He had stopped moving his finger and just held her hand in his.

She needed to know. "Sheldon, did you just spell my name on my hand?"

Sheldon's mouth dropped open. "You understood that?"

Amy smiled at him in a way that made his knees tremble. "I did."

Sheldon gulped.

Amy thought he couldn't get any cuter sitting there holding her hand, smartly dressed in his suit. "I was however a little distracted when you started. Was there more to the message?" Amy gave him a coy look.

Sheldon's face was unreadable for a few seconds before he gave her a half smile and shook his head. "No. No more to the message." He got up immediately, and turned to walk to the kitchen. He faced the cupboard to grab fresh mugs.

And to give his face a chance to stop twitching.

It had gotten a little easier to lie during the whole Kripke misunderstanding. But just barely.

There had been a message that he couldn't verbalize, and that he probably wouldn't be able to do for a very long time. If ever.

But he had to be more careful in the future. He was pair bonded with a very smart woman, who almost caught his tactile confession:

**I love you Amy.**

* * *

**A/N: Next week, the downside of being Sheldon's emergency contact and a lesson in body language. Reviews are always welcome.**


	15. Chapter 15

**The Cooper Neglect Theory**

* * *

**A/N: Just needed to shout out at my buddy Hazelra7 who made it possible for me to see my first Big Bang Theory taping. Hazel you are the queen of awesome and meeting you was the thrill of a lifetime!**

* * *

**Chapter 15: The Parasitic Pretext**

* * *

Sheldon kept telling himself over and over again it was merely a moment of weakness on his part.

He sat at his desk the day following Valentine's Day, replaying all the events of last night. He had been deep in thought for an hour and was no closer to an acceptable resolution.

Maybe he was a little tired yesterday from the day at work, or maybe he was hungry. He did tend to get a little irrational when overworked. And he knew firsthand Amy could become prickly when she hasn't eaten in a while. Maybe he had a low blood sugar at the time.

But his day had been easy. He even had a marshmallow gun fight with Leonard in the afternoon because there was nothing pressing. So it wasn't because he was tired. And it couldn't be hypoglycemia because he had eaten an hour before he took Amy's hand in his and traced the unthinkable across her soft palm. Words he would dare never speak aloud, or dwell on too heavily in his mind.

Sheldon felt frightened. He was acting in a manner that was inconsistent with how he had previously lived his well ordered life. Here he was initiating holding hands, willing to go on romantic outings and buy presents. Something must be terribly wrong with him. Which meant it was time to consult the internet.

Sheldon had been self diagnosing his many ailments since he found a book on medical conditions on his parent's book shelf. In the first week he diagnosed himself as having sleeping sickness, tetanus, juvenile idiopathic arthritis, and to his embarrassment due to reading in haste, ovarian cysts.

His self diagnoses almost always were proven wrong, or at least that is what his parents and the medical professionals told him. He still believed he had pernicious anemia when he was nine despite what the tests said, and no one could tell him otherwise.

His fingers flew over the keys of his keyboard till he found the condition he felt he had.

There were two that seemed possible. He checked the symptoms.

Naegleria fowleri was a possibility. Though most unlikely. His nasal cavity had not been exposed to warm fresh bodies of water recently. He did accidentally snort water up it during a recent shower though. But the other disease seemed a more likely suspect.

Symptoms:

Decreased concentration.

Sheldon remembered how Kripke had showed him up during the grant proposal. But it also seemed like his thoughts always drifted like never before lately. He found himself staring off into space sometimes with thoughts of a beguiling brunette vixen giving him a secretive smile or worse a devilish grin. At certain times when trying to watch his favorite movies, his concentration strayed when he felt her warm thigh pressed against his own. Not too mention the recent bus ride when he was haunted by the scent of Amy's shampoo even though he knew she wasn't there. But it didn't stop him from looking around the bus with heart rate increased.

Decreased concentration?

Check.

Increased incidence of motor vehicle accidents.

He always felt that he was too intelligent to drive, and left it to the lesser minded to get him from point A to B. However he felt that if he had to drive someone in an emergency situation, such as the zombie apocalypse, he would possibly get the pedals mixed up and cause a crash. And then have his brain eaten.

Accidents?

Check.

Increased testosterone production in men.

Sheldon knew that there was a change in the way that he felt about Amy. He felt how his body reacted during the Twister game. How he constantly fought with himself about wanting to twine his fingers in her soft looking hair. How he reveled in her touch the few times he was able to let his guard down and let her hold him. Then there was that tempting denim skirt of hers.

Dear Lord page 54!

Increased testosterone?

Check.

Increased incidence of jealousy in men.

He thought of Stuart and male lab partners at Amy's lab. He thought of that night he went looking for her at the bar. Raj and her at brunch.

Jealousy.

Check.

Inflation of the ego.

That was a symptom he didn't have, though people have told him in the past he was egotistical, but they were just envious of his brilliance.

Inflation of ego.

No.

Sheldon felt a bit dizzy then, and took in some deep breaths. Then he slowly meandered down the hall, to what his friends dubbed "Sheldon's other office".

* * *

Doreen was updating vaccination records when she sensed someone walking in the open door of the nurses office. The first thing she saw was a lightening bolt and white circle, surrounded by a field of bright red. To some people it represented the fastest man in the world. To Doreen it meant an afternoon that would drag on and on.

"Dr. Cooper, what seems to be the problem today?" Her voice had a slight edge to it that Sheldon, being Sheldon, totally missed.

Sheldon had his arms wrapped around his middle, and he looked pale. "I believe I have a brain parasite."

Doreen was nonplussed. She had three thick folders detailing Sheldon's "ailments". She motioned for him to sit down. "When do you believe you were infected?" She grabbed for her temporal thermometer.

Sheldon sat down in the chair that she motioned to and thought. "The disease I believe I am suffering from is spread by either ingesting undercooked meat or exposure to cat feces. Since I never consume improperly cooked meat, the infection must stem from the cat excrement, so roughly, 2 1/2 years."

Doreen looked at Sheldon, still unsurprised at the situation. "So, a chronic condition?"

"Possibly. But the symptoms have been increasing as of late."

She ran the thermometer over his forehead and was not surprised it was normal. She had worked here long enough to know the fastest way to resolve this was to play along. "Would you like me to call your physician or your mom?"

Sheldon shook his head. I have a different emergency contact now, my girlfriend Amy."

Doreen's mouth dropped open at that. "You have a girlfriend?"

At Sheldon's pathetic nod she grabbed his medical chart, and sure enough, there was a local number instead of the Texas area code.

Doreen had not been shocked by anything that had come out of Sheldon's mouth in a few years, but the fact that he had a girlfriend floored her. "Why don't you lie down on the cot and rest while I call Amy."

Sheldon gave her the smallest semblance of a smile, while still looking like a sick baby bird. "Thank you. Amy is actually a neurobiologist, so this is right up her alley." Sheldon lay down on the narrow bed and closed his eyes.

Doreen picked up the phone and began to dial. This girlfriend must have the patience of a saint.

* * *

Sheldon was lying on the bed feeling sorry for himself, when Amy rushed to his side. "Sheldon, the nurse told me you were ill. Are you OK?" She leaned over him, her distinctive scent permeating his nose, her hair tickling his chin. She felt his head with her hand her eyebrows furrowed with worry.

He was slightly disappointed. _She should have used her lips on my forehead, it's more accurate to interpret hyperthermia._ "Amy, I think I have a brain parasite. Either Naegleria fowleri or Toxoplasma gondii." He tried not to notice how close she was as she hovered over his supine form.

She looked him in the eyes and smiled gently. "What makes you think you've been infected?"

"Well I did get water up my nose in the shower a month ago." Sheldon knew this idea was extremely far fetched.

"Sheldon if you were infected with PAM a month ago, you more than likely would have passed away three weeks ago. If you looked up the information already, you know that you don't have that. Which leaves Toxoplasma gondii." She looked at him in that way that made him gulp. "Toxoplasma can be asymptomatic and people can be carriers for years, but I can tell you that you don't have that either."

Sheldon looked hurt that she would so easily dismiss his self diagnosis. "Well why don't you think I could have that? You haven't examined me. We haven't performed any serologic testing." Sheldon was indignant that his illness was not getting the attention it deserved. But his outrage was undercut by the fear that she knew the truth, just like he did way down deep.

"Sheldon, we both know the real reason you are distracted, jealous and obsessed with page 54."

_Wait! She knows about page 54? There is no way in the world she could know that?_

"Wh-why?"

She leaned closer, though it didn't seem physically possible that she could get any closer, and whispered in his ear, her soft breath puffing against his ear.

"It's because you love me."

As chills coursed down Sheldon's legs, he knew she was right. There was no parasitic infection. He was in love with Amy; there could be no other conclusion. But what about that other damning detail? He lay there almost cheek to cheek with Amy. He could feel the heat radiating off of her body. His voice cracked. "How do you know about page 54?"

Her husky whisper explained everything. "It's because you're dreaming."

* * *

He awoke with a start, heart pounding. He was still in the nurse's room on the narrow bed. As he gathered his wits, Amy rushed in the door.

"Sheldon, are you OK? The nurse said you were sick."

Sheldon looked at Amy with suspicion. "This isn't another dream is it?"

Amy's worry lessened and a small grin graced her face. "Did you have a dream about me?"

Sheldon looked stricken and didn't answer.

Amy decided not to stress her sick boyfriend and changed the subject. "The nurse didn't say what was wrong with you." She sat on the edge of the bed, her concerned face looking down at him.

His eyes widened at Amy sitting that close to him on that small bed. _What were they, sex fiends?_ Also he didn't want to tell her the real reason he was here, but his lying skills left much to be desired. So he tried for a half-truth. "I thought I had an infection, but I feel better now."

"Sheldon I came all the way from work for a 'temporary' infection?" She was getting ready to tell him off, but he just looked so vulnerable at that point, she couldn't do it. Plus who else was going to help him in his time of need? She gently touched his t-shirt sleeve. "Do you want me to take you home? I can make you a cup of tea and get you something to eat?"

Sheldon had fully expected Amy to be exasperated with him for making her leave work for a false alarm. He didn't expect to be rewarded. He sighed with relief. "Yes. That would be nice."

Amy rose from the bed and waited for Sheldon to get up as well. He slowly stood up and followed her out the door, nodding to Doreen.

Doreen smiled and waved as he left. _Yep, that woman has the patience of a saint._

Back at Sheldon's place, Amy pampered him. She made him a grilled cheese sandwich with the crust cut off, a cup of chamomile tea with honey and turned on his favorite episode of Star Trek, "The Galileo Seven".

Sheldon was still coming to grips about being in love with Amy. He wished things could simply stay the same. All he wanted was to live in a world of intellect and science and not be led around by his... hormones. He felt like admitting he loved Amy would give her all manner of hippie dippy ideas that he would not be able to honor. However he could still love Amy, not share that fact with her, and still get crust less grilled cheese.

* * *

Doreen would see Sheldon once a week on average so she did not expect Sheldon to be back the next day. "Dr. Cooper, what can I do for you?"

"I believe I have a brain tumor." Sheldon immediately went to the cot and lay down.

Doreen walked over to the bed and tilted her head at the tall man, whose feet dangled off the cot. "What type of symptoms are you experiencing?"

Sheldon had his eyes closed, his right hand covering his eyes. "I have a stabbing pain behind my right eye. It came on acutely right before I finished lunch."

Doreen had seen these "brain tumors" at least a half-dozen times before from Sheldon. She could normally just send him on his way after ten minutes. "Dr. Cooper, could it be you ate or drank something rapidly during lunch that was cold, resulting in an ice cream headache?"

Sheldon bit his lip. "Perhaps."

"What were you eating or drinking right before you experienced the sharp pain?"

_Drat!_ "A hot fudge sundae. But the fudge was very hot."

"I see. Would you like to lay here for ten minutes or do I have to break out the paperwork?" Most times in this situation he would just leave. But Amy's kindness had created a monster.

"Would you please call my girlfriend?"

* * *

Amy was not pleased to be interrupted again by Sheldon's medical situation. But she remembered the feeling of joy she had when he made her his emergency contact. So with only minor complaint she took him home and made him another grilled cheese, no crust, and a cup of peppermint tea. They watched "City on the Edge of Forever", and "Space Seed". Later that night there was a small bowl of rocky road ice cream, eaten slowly and responsibly with no ill effects.

* * *

Amy was at work the next day, when her phone rang. After a call about Sheldon in the infirmary again with an Asian feeling bump, she wasn't feeling quite as privileged to be responsible for Sheldon's well being.

Amy was close to running out of patience when she got to Caltech. She was almost livid when she reached the door. "Sheldon, you can't keep calling me at work for every little thing. This is the third day in a row that I have left in the afternoon to pick you up and take care...of...you." She suddenly realized she was partially to blame for this ridiculous behavior. She was rewarding his "illnesses" with Star Trek, grilled cheese and attention. She had conditioned her boyfriend to call her, not unlike a little white mouse in a maze.

"Don't you want to see my spider bite? It may be infected." Sheldon turned his head and showed a miniscule bump on his face, a few inches in front of and lower than his left ear. If you used your imagination, it appeared slightly pinkish.

"I don't have time for this today, Sheldon." She was not only angry at Sheldon for calling her in for every little thing, she was angry at herself for coddling him for those same insignificant problems. She was upset enough to disregard her normal caution when touching Sheldon. She held his chin and leaned in close to inspect his "spider bite".

Sheldon's breathing ceased. He flashed to the dream of Amy whispering that he loved her in his ear as his senses became hyper aware to her soft breath puffing on his cheek. His body was taut as a bowstring as he waited for her next action.

"I think it's an ingrown hair."

Sheldon deflated a bit at this, but was still in her power and helpless, her closeness intoxicating.

She tilted his head a little more to the light. She leaned in closer and peered at the bump. "I can't believe you thought it was an Asian bird spider that bit you. Where would you come in contact with one?" Amy was not aware of Sheldon's inner turmoil, she was too frustrated. "I don't know what you expect me to do. If I was your mommy I could kiss it and make it feel better." She rolled her eyes.

Sheldon's brow prickled with sweat at this last sentence. He tried to speak but his throat had a lump in it. He cleared his throat and tried again, his voice just above a whisper. "But she's not here."

Amy was still unaware of what was happening and sharply asked, "What?"

"Um. My mom is not here to, um, to make it feel better."

Amy frowned as she replayed the past few sentences in her head. She couldn't believe what he was hinting at. Her eyes grew large and she became aware of how close she was to him, and that her hand still held his chin. She was immobilized by shock, but was still able to squeak out a response. "No, she's not."

She studied the area in question and couldn't believe that her body was acting on its own accord as she felt herself pucker her lips and leave the softest trace of a kiss on the tiny pink bump. She lingered for a second and pulled away, removing her hand from his chin.

They were unable to look at one another for a while, but before either one could even think about what to say, Doreen broke the stillness of the room. "See, everything is all better. Now Dr. Cooper, will you be finishing the day at work, or going home?"

Amy snapped out of her trance and realized that was the closest Sheldon had ever come to asking her for a kiss. He was out of the dog house, for now. "Dr. Cooper will be able to finish his day at work, especially now that his boo boo is better." She smirked at Sheldon who was unconsciously touching where she kissed him and looking at her incredulously. "And Doreen, I'm giving you executive power to decide if it is indeed necessary for me to be called for any future injuries or ailments. That is until I can get an extensive list of acceptable emergent medical conditions to my boyfriend." She gave another smirk to Sheldon then turned back to Doreen. "I'll send you a PDF."

Amy turned back to Sheldon. Her anger had faded, but she had to stop rewarding his bad behavior. She spoke firmly but gently. "Next time it better be a real emergency. You are not a child and I'm not your mother. Is that clear?"

Sheldon nodded slightly. She turned on her heel and left. She tried to concentrate on what she had to finish up at work but couldn't think of anything but the tiny kiss. She drove back to UCLA with a giddy smile.

Sheldon watched her leave, not sure why she would assume that he thought she was his mother.

When his mother kisses him, it never felt anything like that.

* * *

By the next morning he had been e-mailed a rough outline of acceptable medical emergencies. None of which included beriberi, rickets or cholera. A formal protest ended in the offer of texting symptoms or pictures of suspicious areas to Amy, and her deciding at that point if it was a true emergency. Unbeknownst to Sheldon, Amy kept a file of all the body part pictures he e-mailed her, even though none were particularly titillating.

* * *

Several days later following Penny's performance in "A Streetcar Named Desire", Sheldon was still grousing about being tricked into thinking that there would be streetcars in the play. To get his mind off of it, Amy asked him about the tips that Penny gave him regarding body language.

They were sitting in their normal spots, their knees pointing at each other. She reached over and picked up her cup of tea and he did as well. He followed her action of sipping on the hot beverage and put the cup down when she did. She noticed that this behavior of copying her movements had been increasing as of late. "So Sheldon, what else did you learn from the lesson in kinesics that Penny gave you?" She smiled at him.

He met her eyes and gave her a warm smile of his own. "Though I hold little stock in the field of psychology, the concept is fascinating. I briefly researched into the subject after Penny gave me a layman's explanation of a few tricks to use while taping Fun with Flags. For example, did you know that in certain social situations, when one person mirrors the others actions unconsciously, they are showing deference to a person of higher stature. Not only that, but the person doing the mirroring may be doing this on a subconscious level to gain favors or services?"

She leaned down and picked up her tea mug again blowing on it and sipping. Sheldon did the same. _Favors and services indeed._

"That **is** facinating, Sheldon."

**A/N: Next week, how ****do**** you get 12 year old girls excited? You know what gets me excited? Reviews!**


	16. Chapter 16

**The Cooper Neglect Theory **

* * *

**Chapter 16: The Problematic Princess**

* * *

_June 13th, 2010_

_Sheldon was spending another pleasant Sunday evening Skyping with his new friend, Amy. They had just finished talking about Amy's love of medieval literature, when Sheldon thought of a topic they might both enjoy._

"_I know there is only about a hundred year overlap between the two time periods, but do you enjoy going to renaissance fairs? I found them entertaining, once Rajesh explained how to overlook historical anomalies. "_

"_How does one do that?" Amy tilted her head._

"_You pretend you are visiting an alternate world that is similar to fifteenth century earth. But since it's not earth those anomalies are perfectly normal." Sheldon smiled at the simple genius of it all._

_Amy shook her head frowning. "Sounds like a lot of unnecessary science fiction."_

_Sheldon was crestfallen. He hated when she mocked his love of Sci-fi. "It seems to works well for me."_

"_Well I'm glad you found a way you can enjoy ren fairs. I unfortunately cannot. I went to one as a teenager and found the multiple historical inaccuracies distracting. They were serving Mountain Dew out of plastic flagons. They had neither plastic nor caffeinated soft drinks during that time frame. Plus there were several people in costume who clearly did not put any thought into what they were wearing. One woman was clearly wearing an 18th century Italian noble woman's gown. I say if you can't be authentic in your dress and mannerisms you should just stay home."_

_Sheldon had only known her for a short period of time but felt a strong feeling of camaraderie when talking with her. She was brilliant and to the point. She didn't pussyfoot around topics, trying to spare other peoples feelings. She was quite accomplished in her field, even if it was only biology, yet she could talk to him about physics with ease. She was remarkable! And now with this comment about the importance of correct dress and accuracy during ren fair? She was close to perfection. He felt a little zip of excitement race through him. Now he had to ask the needed follow up question. "How did you dress up for the fair?"_

_A disapproving look washed over her face. "I didn't. I find the idea of grown men and woman dressing in costumes ridiculous. Though I could see if someone went to a function where costumes were a socially necessary part of the evening, for example a Halloween party, but even then probably no."_

_It was Sheldon's turn to frown. "I'm sorry you feel that way Amy Farrah Fowler. I enjoy dressing up in costumes and immersing myself in the character I'm portraying. I actually have several different types of costumes and strive to make sure that all elements of my dress are accurate, down to the undergarments." Leonard still hadn't forgiven him for cutting up his pillowcase._

_Amy tilted her head, deep in thought. "Intriguing. A grown man, accomplished in the field of physics, feels the need to parade around in tights and capes. May I ask why from a neuroscientific point of view?"_

_Sheldon was disappointed again in Amy's lack of enthusiasm for a subject near and dear to his heart. "Wearing a costume enables me to feel closeness to the characters I have admired since I was a child. For example, I enjoy the Flash, and I like the feeling I receive when dressed as him. I think of it as an homage to the character if the person portraying them does it accurately. It can be a stimulating and pleasurable experience when done correctly. I enjoy it when others dress up as well. To me interacting with them is enjoyable, and I can fully lose myself in the experience."_

_Amy gave a slight nod. "You do seem to have a more carefree and whimsical side than I. Now that I think of it, many cultures wear costumes of powerful creatures or spirits to give the wearer of said costume the attributes of the creature they are emulating. I can now see your side of it. Would you be averse to wearing electrodes while wearing some of your different outfits? I believe a scientific assessment of this costume ritual is in order."_

"_If it will help you understand the pleasure and satisfaction that cosplay brings to me, and will advance science then yes. Who knows Amy Farrah Fowler, maybe if we are friends long enough, you'll become just as fun loving and free wheeling as yours truly." Sheldon gave her a toothy smile._

"_Perhaps, Sheldon, perhaps." She gave him a smile as well._

* * *

March 7th 2013

When there was a short knock on the door of apartment 4A, Sheldon had no idea who it could be, and he was a little disappointed. He knew Leonard was spending the evening with Penny, so he would not be back till after he went to bed. He was looking forward to an evening of solitude, after being forced into interacting with junior high school girls. Sheldon reluctantly answered the door. He thought it could be Raj, or less likely Howard.

He never dreamed it would be Snow White.

Amy stood before him with a dazzling smile, her lips an impossibly shimmery red. He noticed her ever present glasses were missing, and he wondered how she made it up the stairs in one piece. Her hair was held away from her face by a simple red ribbon, and it had a slight waviness to it that he had never seen before. Her arms were pale and bare except for her shoulders, while her scooped neckline showed her clavicles and accentuated her graceful neck. He hadn't seen this much of Amy's skin since the bathtub incident. He thought she was sick then and felt guilt about peeking at her. But she was healthy now. _Dear Lord, did she look healthy._ He stood dumbstruck at the door until she spoke.

"Well, what do you think?"

The problem with Sheldon was the fact that he was beyond thought. Just when he believed he had this relationship thing under control, Amy did something to derail his carefully laid out plans. She was going to be the death of him. "Um..."

"We all got princess makeovers at Disneyland. Bernie insisted on being Cinderella. Said she promised Howard or something like that. But what do you think? Do I make a convincing Snow White?"

He swallowed hard. "Very convincing." _Too convincing._

Sheldon couldn't believe Amy was dressed in a costume. Let alone with no reason besides wanting to do so. It wasn't Halloween, and she wasn't at Comic Con. This shouldn't be happening. His eyes swept her body from head to toe.

They were still standing in the doorway and Amy's smile wavered a little. "Can I come in?"

Sheldon jumped as if waking up from a dream. "Of course." He moved aside to let her in the apartment.

She walked to the couch, her silky dress rustling around her legs much differently than her regular skirts did. Sheldon noticed. Boy, did he notice. He went past her, trying not to look at all the exposed skin, and walked to the kitchen where he put the kettle on.

She sat down on the couch all smiles. "Like I said earlier, Bernadette strongly insisted on being Cinderella. Very strongly. Penny decided on Sleeping Beauty. The outfit was pink, but I like the blue version much better. I've had a new appreciation for the color blue." She smiled over at Sheldon, who of course did not get the reference to his eyes.

Her smile was bewitching. Flustered, Sheldon turned toward the cupboard and grabbed the tea box. _Why are my hands so sweaty? _He put the box on the kitchen island and turned back to reach some mugs. "Um, so you picked Snow White, huh? Why her?" He grabbed for the orange mug and the blue one, since Amy said she liked the color blue.

"Well since I couldn't be Cinderella, my next thought was Jasmine or Ariel. But Jasmine had an exposed midriff and Ariel's seashell placement left a lot to be desired."

The orange mug fell from Sheldon's unsteady grip and crashed against the counter.

Amy jumped up at the sound and ran over. "Are you OK?" She grabbed Sheldon's hands, and because she didn't have her glasses, held them close to her face, looking for signs of injury.

Sheldon sat there mutely trying to banish the picture of Amy in strategically placed seashells and bare belly. He snapped out of it and removed his hands from Amy's soft grip. "I'm OK, I just fumbled the mug." He picked up the larger shards of the orange mug and put them in the trash. The kettle whistled and he removed it from the burner. He turned and firmly grabbed a yellow mug, carefully setting it down on the counter. Amy busied herself with making the tea, while Sheldon cleaned the smaller bits of broken mug.

They sat down on the couch in companionable silence. Amy took a sip of her tea, leaving a deep red lip print on the mug. Sheldon noticed this and wondered if her lips would leave marks on anything they touched. He decided they definitely would and he shivered a little. Amy saw this. "Are you chilled Sheldon?"

He cleared his throat. "No. If anything, I feel a little bit warm."

"Well, you said I looked convincing, but you haven't commented on what you think. And before you say it, I think they were a little heavy handed on the makeup."

"I'm glad you said that because those lips are really distracting."

Amy choked on her tea; she coughed a few times before squeaking out, "In what way?"

Sheldon was starting to feel the first prickles of danger. "They are, um just so red. I'm not used to you wearing lipstick."

Amy's smile slowly spread across her face. "Well let me tell you the story Sheldon. The queen was sewing by an open window sill on a snowy winter day. She pricked her finger, and three drops of blood dripped against the snow covered ebony window frame. She then wished for a daughter with skin as pale as snow, hair as dark as ebony and…"

"Lips as red as blood." Sheldon finished quietly. He was looking down again at those ruby lips.

"You do know the story. So you see, if I left that makeup chair with anything less than blood red lips, it would be a disservice to the name Snow White." Amy noticed Sheldon was still looking at her lips. A thrill of excitement ran through her. She had learned from romance novels that men would stare longingly at the heroine's lips just before they claimed them with their own. Was Sheldon finally going to kiss her? She looked at his soft pink lips and remembered the last time they met hers. It was brief and spontaneous and initiated by her, but she savored the memory of it still. But a kiss **from** Sheldon? A kiss that he would give her freely? She hoped against all hope.

Sheldon realized he had zoned out of the conversation and was blatantly staring at Amy's lips. His cheeks flushed as realizing his mistake he tore his gaze away and looked up to her eyes instead.

That was his second mistake.

Her eyes were luminous and sparkling, full of promises and secrets that he wanted to solve. He involuntarily leaned forward eyes still locked on hers.

When she noticed him lean towards her Amy's eyes widened._ It's finally going to happen! Sheldon is going to kiss me!_ She started to lean towards him as well.

Amy's widened eyes brought Sheldon back to his logical, ordered world. He needed to put a stop to this right now. He started to lean more left than straight as Amy's eyes closed and her lips began to pucker.

He grabbed the half empty tea mugs and quickly stood up. "Let me get these, now that we're done." He hurried to the kitchen.

Amy felt rather foolish, sitting there with puckered lips, but that gave way to confusion. "Sheldon, I hadn't finished my tea yet."

"Oh? My apologies." Sheldon said distractedly as he dumped both mugs down the drain and put them in the sink. He then nervously looked around like a caged animal and realizing there was nothing else to do in the kitchen, walked towards the living room.

He had almost reached the left side of the couch, but made a split second decision. He veered farther left and sat himself down in front of his desk.

Amy's smile faded. "Aren't you going to sit next to me?"

Sheldon shook his head. "I'm afraid I have some work to follow up on from this afternoon. Thank you again for talking to the class of female children. I think what you said about society treating women differently for their aesthetics rather than their intelligence really got through to them." He turned to his computer, opened a program and began typing away.

"You're welcome Sheldon." Amy looked at him with furrowed brows hands fidgeting. "Do you have to work on that right now?"

He ventured the slightest sideways glance at her. "Yes. I'm afraid I do." His eyes went back to his computer, and then darted back in her direction. "Why do you ask?" He started to type again.

"Oh." She sighed. "Because, I was hoping we could, you know, play a game."

Sheldon didn't like this dangerous direction that this evening was taking. He tried to seem nonchalant as he continued to type. "What type of game did you have in mind?"

"Well, I know how you enjoy role playing games, I was wondering if you wanted to play Snow White with me?"

Sheldon's brows furrowed as he turned to look at her smiling sweetly on the couch. "Play Snow White with you? How would that work? What would be the structure or rules? Do we need polyhedral dice? Who would I be? I'm too tall for a dwarf. I'm not wearing a costume like you are. I would need a costume." He realized he was babbling and should stop. He took a deep breath. "What do you mean play Snow White?"

She smiled gently at him. "You don't need any special equipment or dice. There aren't any rules. I just want to act out the last scene of the story. I'll be Snow White and you can be Prince Charming." She looked at him in a playful manner.

"You mean…"

Amy swung her legs around to his spot, straightening her skirts. She lay down on the couch with her arms folded over her chest, and closed her eyes. "The evil queen found me at the seven dwarf's cottage and gave me a poisoned apple. I bit it and fell into a deathlike sleep. Now all I need is a kiss from a handsome prince to break the spell." She fell quiet and waited.

Sheldon looked back at her wide eyed. _Was she serious? Was she expecting him to go over to her and kiss her?_ Sheldon weighed his options and did the only thing a man with a willing beautiful woman laying on a couch could do.

Work on a summary that wasn't due for two weeks.

She was disappointed to hear the clack of the keyboard keys start up again. He was so close to kissing her on the couch earlier, she was sure of it. He just needed an excuse to do so, and this was a pretty good one. After five minutes of continuous typing, Amy's lips twisted in frustration. "Prince Charming where are you?" She lifted her head from the couch to peer at her blurry boyfriend.

"I don't know where he is but I'm working on this summary for work." Sheldon continued to tap away at his computer, trying to ignore Amy and those lips of hers.

"Well, I guess I'll need to wait until he gets here to awaken me." Amy put her head down again and closed her eyes. "I have all night."

"You know Amy, in many early versions of the story; Snow White had a piece of the apple lodged in her throat. When the prince saw her he became enamored of her and convinced the dwarves to let him take her away, glass coffin and all. The servants carrying the coffin tripped over some tree roots, and that dislodged the apple from her throat, bringing Snow White back to life. So you see, it doesn't have to be a kiss that awakens you." Sheldon turned to Amy with a smug look of superiority.

Amy opened her eyes slightly and frowned at Sheldon. "Well Sheldon, unless you know where to find a glass coffin, servants and tree roots at this time of night, we're going to stick with a kiss." She closed her eyes again.

A few seconds later the clicking of keys restarted. She waited for what seemed like ten minutes and tried again in a sing songy voice. "Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one little kiss to wake up." She peeked over at him again.

Sheldon answered in a sing song voice of his own. "Heard you the first time."

She squinted at her wristwatch. Sheldon's bedtime was fast approaching. Something had to happen soon, and this time she was not giving up. If he wanted her to leave, he knew what he needed to do. She put her arm back in position and waited for Sheldon to give in.

Amy lay there motionless waiting for her kiss. Being Sheldon's girlfriend had taught her to be patient and Howard and Bernie had advised her to be stubborn. Unfortunately she had stayed up past midnight the night before, calling her supervisor and making retching noises into the phone to get out of work. That combined with a long day of excitement and walking around had made her pretty tired. After another fifteen minutes of waiting for a kiss, sleep claimed her.

Sheldon had been working half-heartedly on his project for work, alternating with checking his email and Facebook accounts. He came across a picture of them at the zoo, by the koala enclosure. Amy had insisted he pose with her, while a stranger used his phone to take the picture. After collecting his phone from the stranger, and wiping it down with his travel pack of sanitizing wipes, he showed Amy the picture. He remembered how excited she was that they had a good picture of both of them. For some reason, when photographed together, there was always something wrong with the photo. One of their eyes was closed, the lighting was wrong, they were photobombed by a goat, you name it, and it went wrong. But this photo was near perfect, there was even a koala quietly munching leaves in the background.

Sheldon studied the photo and looked at how happy Amy looked in the photo, then noticed that even though some germy stranger was touching his phone at the time, he looked happy as well. He knew then what he should do. He needed to be honest with her and tell her why he couldn't kiss her. Sheldon took a deep breath turned in his chair towards her and spoke in a low quiet voice.

"Amy, I know you want a kiss from me, but I don't think it's a good idea. I feel it will lead me astray from my scientific endeavors. Science is my first concern, and if I'm succumbing to my hormones, I will never be able to discover if Grand Unification can explain the number of Fermion generations and their masses. So forgive me Amy, I cannot give you what you want." He paused and decided to finally be truthful. "What we both want." He turned away from the couch and looked back at that picture of them at the zoo.

He waited for her reply. But it didn't come.

_Was she mad? _

_Crying?_

A soft snore came from the couch.

_Asleep?_

He rose from his seat and walked over to the couch. Amy lay sleeping, her chest moving her crossed arms up and down rhythmically. He watched her for a few minutes, studying her carefree face. _Should he wake her?_ It was past his bedtime, he needed to go to bed. Sheldon was about to call her name to wake her when he stopped himself. He may regret it, but there was another way to wake her properly. A way he would never attempt under normal circumstances, but as she was asleep, he was emboldened. He looked down at her peaceful form again and began to slowly lean forward. He inched closer and closer to her face, noting her thick long eyelashes, and those hypnotic, red lips. He was close enough to smell her floral shampoo and the scent of fresh air from her being outside all day. He closed his eyes, and puckered his lips. At the last second he changed his mind, and instead of kissing those full red lips, he placed a tender kiss on Amy's smooth soft forehead.

Sheldon was starting to stand up again, when Amy's eyes fluttered open briefly then closed again. Sheldon froze in place, and was relieved to see Amy's breathing became deep and even again. He stood up watching her sleep for a minute then went to the closet and grabbed a blanket. He covered his sleeping princess and turned out the light.

As he lay in bed, he wondered if he had kissed her on her lips, if she would have woken up fully instead of falling back asleep. He almost thought of going back out there, but decided against it.

And that is how Prince Charming upon failing to wake his princess, instead remained awake all night, pondering the act of a simple kiss.

* * *

**A/N: Can you believe that someone actually went back and looked at the color tea mugs that Amy and Sheldon used each time? Of course you can your reading fan fic! The orange mug hasn't been used since early season six. Now you know why.**

**Thanks Hazelra7 for advice on where the kiss was going to be. I didn't want to diminish the awesomeness of the train kiss by having Sheldon kiss her on the lips.**

**Next time, the fallout that happens when you don't kiss your girlfriend, (when she's conscious), after she asks you repeatedly. Plus the return of Team Amy and Team Sheldon. **


	17. Chapter 17

**The Cooper Neglect Theory**

* * *

**A/N: I forgot how hostile Sheldon and Amy were in this episode. So I kind of rolled with it.**

* * *

**Chapter 17: The Angry Amy Aftermath**

* * *

Amy was having a wonderful dream.

It was one of those dreams where she had a bird's eye view of all that was happening, but she also was down below in the midst of the action. She was lying in a coffin of glass, surrounded by fragrant colorful flowers. They were woven into her dark ebony tresses as well. Little men and wild woodland creatures stood a silent vigil over her still form, lifelike even in death. Along the forest path came a white stallion, prancing and proud, carrying a handsome and well dressed rider, who came seeking adventure and fortune. The rider pulled his horse to a stop and took in the scene before him. He dismounted and walked in awe over to where the maid lay, enraptured by her beauty. He pleaded with the dwarf's to remove the coffin lid and when they relented he neared the woman of beauty untold and was unable to help himself.

He kissed her. Her lips were warm, not cold as he expected.

Her eyelids fluttered open to find blue eyes that rivaled the sky watching her in amazement and joy, that the beautiful lady lived, and would make him the happiest man on the face of the earth. He knelt as a peasant would to a queen and begged this fair woman to be his for always. She readily agreed and he swept her up in his arms and carried her to his waiting steed. As she held on to his neck, he lowered his lips to hers again, this time with a not so chaste kiss as the one that awoke her the first time.

And this is when she woke up for real.

Reality was not as grand as her dream. It was dark, she was disoriented and her bare arms were stuck to the leather of the couch she was sleeping on.

Sheldon's couch.

Then she remembered the evening's activities. How she had asked her boyfriend of sixteen months to give her a simple kiss, and how he had turned her down flat.

She laid there thinking about what she knew about other people and their relationships. Would anyone else she knew refuse to kiss their significant other if they were asked to? She didn't have a large list of people to compare her relationship to, but she did know one thing.

No one that she knew would have said no.

As that sunk in, she let out a large sigh and allowed one tear to roll down her face, before ripping the blanket that was covering her off and throwing it over the couch. She then peeled herself from the leather, located her purse and glasses and stormed out of the apartment.

* * *

The next morning, Sheldon got out of bed to face his girlfriend and watch Dr. Who. He hadn't slept at all, his mind racing with crazy thoughts and emotions that he couldn't reconcile with his current Nobel trajectory. He wrapped himself in his plaid robe that matched his pajamas, and shuffled off to the living room to meet his doom.

The living room was unoccupied, the blanket thrown haphazardly over the couch. He walked over and folded it, and placed it back in the closet. He then went to the kitchen and poured himself some cereal, and sat down to watch his show.

He didn't seem to taste the cereal at all, and it seemed to stick in his throat. Dr. Who did not capture his attention like it normally did. He turned his attention to his phone. He had no missed calls or texts. He looked back at the TV, but was not able to lose himself in the program.

He took his cereal bowl to the sink and didn't even bother to rinse it out. He just sat back down in his spot, staring in the direction of the TV, but not paying attention to it. He glanced at his phone again, but as it hadn't made any noise in between now and the last time he looked at it, there were still no new messages. He went back to not watching TV.

* * *

When Amy woke up that morning, she lay there in her waterbed staring at the ceiling. After a few minutes she kicked her feet and growled in frustration. She rode the resulting waves, teeth clenched. That man was the most infuriating man to ever walk this earth. And he belonged to her. She half thought about not going to Howard and Bernadette's for dinner tonight, but decided to grin and bear it.

* * *

Amy didn't hear a peep from Sheldon all day, and she certainly did not call him. When there was finally a message it was from Penny letting her know they were just about to arrive in front of her building to pick her up. She grabbed her purse and went downstairs.

In the car her nose picked up the scent of Thai food. She sat in the back with Sheldon, who gave her a small hello, but then said not another word to her, his focus on the bag of food on his lap.

* * *

At Howard and Bernie's, they barely spoke to each other. The rest of the group noticed the awkwardness of the situation. Sheldon had almost finished his meal when Howard nudged Bernie and motioned at Sheldon with his head. He cleared his throat. "So Sheldon, I was wondering if you had any tips on how to organize a closet?"

Sheldon looked up at Howard as if he had just said he was giving away Nobel's. "I have several different templates for an organizational scheme depending on containers or lack there of, clothing, house wares, personal effects or a combination of all."

"Would you mind taking a look at our bedroom closet and giving us your opinion?" Bernie asked sweetly.

Sheldon was pushing his chair back from the table, looking like a kid on Christmas morning. "Lead on."

As the three left the room, Penny turned to Amy with a low voice. "What's going on with you and Sheldon? You two having a fight?"

Amy took a last swallow of wine and poured herself a Penny sized refill. "I went over to Sheldon's last night after getting home from Disneyland, all dressed up in my Snow White costume and I fell asleep on his couch waiting for him to give me a kiss. One little kiss! He absolutely refused to even consider it. We hardly have spoken to each other and I don't know why I bother anymore."

Penny, Leonard and Raj looked at each other shocked. Amy showed more patience with Sheldon than almost anybody. And for her to be this frustrated, she must be at the end of her rope.

"Amy, don't feel so bad. I have known Sheldon for a long time and I have been to the point of leaving. But you've been a good influence on him. He's almost to the point of being a real boy." Leonard told her gently.

"He has some odd quirks, but I know he cares for you. Even if he doesn't show it physically." Penny chimed in.

"I know he has his quirks. But it's difficult to feel good about the relationship, when it feels like I'm the only one in it." Amy began drinking her wine in earnest.

* * *

Sheldon was in his element. He loved when things were orderly and neat. As he sifted through tiny clothes and juggling pins, he felt conflicted on what he should do about Amy. He felt as if Amy was forcing herself on him and making him do things he just was not ready for. After all it had only been sixteen months since he had asked her to be his girlfriend. The thought of Amy pushing her agenda again made him angry. The task cleared his mind and gave him an excuse to stay away from Amy and try to do as good of a job sorting through his feelings as he was on this closet. But because he was Sheldon Lee Cooper, he did an outstanding job on the wreck of a closet. But a horrible job on the wreck that was his heart.

He was spared another awkward car ride with Amy, mostly due to hiding out in the closet all evening and the fact that Howard offered to take him home. Maybe it was time to show her that he didn't care for her being so bossy. He didn't have the time or inclination to declare his feelings in a hippy dippy sort of way, and if she learned how much he thought of her and needed her, he would never get anything done. She would moon about like a lovesick teenager and want to kiss and talk about her menses while he braided her hair. No, he needed to let her know that he was not going to simply take her hand and be led down this primrose path. If she was going to take his hand and get it all sweaty, she was going to have to drag him into romance. And he was going to pout, kick and scream the entire way.

* * *

The next girls night was a subdued affair, with Bernadette worried about the contents of the letter and over her moping husband. Amy knew the solution was to talk to Sheldon and readied herself to see him again. They had not really said much to each other since the kissing incident. Or lack of kissing incident.

The girls found Sheldon in the laundry room. He greeted them and turned back to the washing machine. Even with his new policy of zero tolerance for romance, shivers went up his spine when Amy stated why they sought him out. "You have something that we want."

He was being cagey about revealing personal information to them. He felt obligated to keep Howard's secret and even put in his own personal dig against handholding at the movies. He noticed Amy was not amused at being compared to a bear mauling him for his goodies. But he didn't care about hurting her feelings, or did he? Maybe him feeling bad is how Penny, the woman who can't remember a simple food order, surprisingly got him in a position to reveal the contents of the envelope. These women were just too crafty.

The girls left to go back to Penny's apartment. Sheldon darted a quick look at his grim faced girlfriend, but she did not look back. His plan to push her away was working. Then why did he feel so sorry it did? He headed back upstairs, his laundry basket heavier than he remembered.

* * *

Back in the apartment Sheldon told Raj and Leonard about the contents of Howard's letter, because Penny would have told them anyway, which was well played on their part. They quietly sat around thinking of Howard.

Raj absentmindedly stroked his chin. "I know that it would make Howard feel better about his father if he would only let Sheldon tell him what he saw in the envelope."

"He seemed pretty dead set against it." Leonard frowned. "If he hasn't read it by now, I'm sure he's never going to."

"Everyone should just leave Howard alone. Everyone clucking about how talking about and expressing your feelings will make you feel better. It's a bunch of malarkey!" Sheldon rubbed his hands on his knees until he saw Leonard looking at him. "What?"

Leonard frowned at him. "Are you still fighting with Amy?"

"I don't know what you mean." Sheldon replied in what he hoped was a carefree manner.

Raj gave him his best empathetic face. "Dude, you have been avoiding her for a few days. And when you are around her you seem tense, why don't you apologize?"

Sheldon looked outraged. "I need to apologize? Why do you assume that it was my fault? Why is it my fault that the woman has the gall to arrive at my doorstep, transformed into a person I didn't recognize and then demand a kiss to 'wake her'. What next, coitus for a ride to work? Utter poppycock!"

"What do you mean transformed into a person you didn't recognize?" Raj had heard about the princess makeovers from Howard, but he wanted to hear it from the others as well.

Leonard had a stupid grin plastered on his face. "The girls played hooky and went to Disneyland. They got dressed up like fairy tale princesses. Amy was Snow White, Bernadette was Cinderella and I came home to find Sleeping Beauty waiting for me." He grinned even more if possible. "There was not much sleeping going on that evening."

Raj smiled and started to nod. "You guys are sooo lucky. Amy would make a hot Snow White."

Sheldon's head whipped around to his friend. "Raj I have warned you before of sniffing around Amy, I will not tolerate anymore locker room talk about her! Do I make myself clear?" A dangerous shadow flicked across Sheldon's face.

Raj held his hands up in surrender. "Yes, yes. I'm sorry." Once Sheldon simmered down a little Raj asked him a question. "Why didn't you kiss her?"

Sheldon's eyes grew wide and he swallowed hard. "Like I told her, science needs me and I can't be distracted by silly romantic notions."

Leonard's eyes grew wide at this. "You told her that? No wonder she's upset."

Sheldon squirmed in his seat. "Technically she was asleep and didn't hear me."

"It's a good thing. I think she would have killed you. Now look Sheldon, you need to figure out what you want from this relationship. Do you want someone who will be your equal and partner or just someone to fawn over you and be totally devoted to you and your needs?" Leonard was shaking his head at his friend. "Because if it's just the latter, you already have Alex for that."

Leonard stood up and went to the kitchen, leaving Sheldon to shuffle through his thoughts.

* * *

Sheldon and Amy didn't communicate much the following few days. Just very curt texts, the bare minimum dictated by the Relationship Agreement. Sheldon still didn't know what to do. Though he missed Amy badly, he didn't know how to broach the topic of slowing down the relationship. So he ignored it, and her. Amy was still hurt from the night that Sheldon abandoned her on the couch. Her hurt slowly turned to self pity and that turned to anger. And then the anger simmered for days.

The night of the dinner party in 4A, Sheldon was in Hell. Surrounded by alcohol, lewd music, scratchy clothes and an angry Amy Farrah Fowler, he wished for death.

His wish almost came true when a noticeably taller Wolowitz threatened him. He went into survival mode and grabbed his startled girlfriend, blocking him from the towering engineer. Even though he was frightened, the warmth of Amy's body beneath his hands and the fragrance of her shampoo comforted him somewhat.

After Howard stormed off, Amy wrenched herself from his grip and burned him with her glare. "Use me as a human shield!" This man was unbelievable!

"I panicked! He looked taller than usual." He knew he wasn't making the situation any better.

"Poor Howie. I know that if he knew the truth about the letter, he would feel better about the situation with his dad." Bernadette sat down on the couch.

"But he's so dead set against it. How can we tell him if he won't listen?"

Everyone sat down, trying to make the situation better for Howard. Sheldon was the one who came up with the idea of epistemic ambivalence. The gang decided it was a good idea and all came up with false stories to cover up the truth. Sheldon's idea of One Eyed Willie was shot down by Amy in favor of a different story, but Sheldon preferred it to the alternate cover story.

"Sheldon, he is going to recognize that from Goonies." Amy sighed, frustrated that the same man who came up with a brilliant solution to Howard's problem, could be so stubborn on this.

"We don't know if he will recognize the character from Goonies." Sheldon replied. "If I were in Howard's shoes, I would love if one of the possibilities would involve pirates and treasure maps." His eyes shone with excitement.

Since time was slipping away from them they decided to present their idea to Howard. He would be given one real story, four made up stories, and one story written by Steven Spielberg and Chris Columbus.

* * *

When they talked to Howard everything went smoothly, except for Amy calling Sheldon out on his nonsense twice. Everyone noticed the squabbling between the two, which was unusual for them, and odd that it had gone on for a week. For the trip back to 4A Howard and Bernie offered a ride to Amy, which she accepted.

Amy had a feeling of déjà vu riding in the back seat while Howard and Bernadette talked to her about Sheldon.

"I just don't know why he can come up with the wonderful idea to let you know what your father sent you, yet stick to his Goonies story." Amy shook her head.

"He is an odd little duck sometimes." Bernadette remarked.

"That's being kind." Howard patted his wife's hand. He looked in the rearview mirror at Amy. "Now what's it going to take to get you two crazy kids back together?"

"I know I can't change his behavior, and I know we are at different places in this relationship. I just guessed by now we would have a higher level of intimacy than we have now. Am I going to wait a year before he kisses me? Two years? Is he ever going to? When do I say enough is enough? I love him so much, but I feel that I'm the only one trying."

"I don't believe I'm going to say this but don't give up on Sheldon." Howard sighed. "I have seen him grow as a person with you around. He's more tolerant of ideas, more fun to be around, and though it may not feel like it, I know that he cares for you in his own Sheldon like way." He smiled at her reflection.

Amy sat in the dark backseat and thought about Howard's words.

* * *

The rest of the evening was uneventful. Penny used Howard and Bernie's trick to get a closet cleaning from Sheldon, which backfired when he found her "chew toy". Sheldon finished the job after the party had broken up, and opened the door to find himself alone in 4A with Amy sitting quietly on the couch.

Sheldon stopped in his tracks. "Hello."

Amy looked over at him. "Hello."

Sheldon slowly started to walk to the couch. "Why are you still here?" He cautiously sat down next to her.

"I needed to talk to you."

Sheldon had a sinking feeling that this was it for their relationship. His stomach started twisting in knots. "What about?"

"About us."

Sheldon's heart stopped. "I don't want to break up."

Amy stared at him in surprise. "Neither do I. But that's not what I was going to talk about."

Sheldon's heart started beating again.

Amy looked at her feet. "I want to apologize. I feel that I may have tried to push you into something that you weren't ready for."

Sheldon sat there with a puzzled look on his face. "You're apologizing to me?"

"Yes. I shouldn't have made you try to kiss me. While you were cleaning Penny's closet, something dawned on me. I asked everyone if they had ever seen you kiss anyone. No one could remember you kissing anybody, including your mom or sister. I realized then that I was wrong to presume that just because we are a couple that you would automatically be comfortable kissing me. I'm sorry." She looked up at him, green eyes clouded with worry.

"It's OK. Don't worry about it. No harm done." Sheldon brushed off her apology. He thought he was going to have to grovel, but this worked out much better.

"So is it true that no one has seen you kiss anyone before?" Amy's curiosity got a hold of her.

"Well I stopped kissing my mom when I started kindergarten."

Amy smiled. "I meant more recently. None of the gang has seen you kiss anyone?"

And since the gang hadn't been there the other night when he kissed an irresistible princess he answered truthfully.

"Nope."

* * *

**A/N: Next time: Meerkat fight!**


	18. Chapter 18

**The Cooper Neglect Theory  
**

* * *

**A/N: Last chapter I mentioned that Sheldon hadn't kissed anyone else in front of the gang. Beverly was brought up, but he did not try to kiss her, she kissed him. Same with Amy's drunken kiss, though he did pucker. As far as I know he hasn't kissed anybody until the train, and that is still a year away from events in this story. Hang in there Amy, it gets better!**

* * *

**Chapter 18: The Tupperman Twist**

* * *

"So what are you two doing for date night? You're both dressed up, must be a special occasion." Leonard eyed Sheldon and Amy with mock interest. He knew where they were going; he just wanted to see Sheldon squirm. Penny had tipped their hand earlier. And for once it was accidental.

Sheldon had a deer in the headlights look about him. Amy knew the key to the plan was to keep Sheldon calm. She walked a few steps towards Sheldon and began to straighten his tie, which did nothing for his nerves. In fact her closeness made his stomach flip even more. She leaned in, her scent enveloping him and whispered, "You can do it." She released his tie, the silk trailing between her fingers and smiled at Leonard.

"The train store in Glendale is having a cotillion tonight." Sheldon was surprised at how even his voice was and his eye didn't even twitch once. He was finally getting better at lying, but wasn't sure if this was a good thing. He crossed to the coffee table where a flyer for the train store had been sitting quite prominently for the last ten hours. "We had been planning to go for two weeks. I'm surprised I haven't mentioned it before." He picked up the colorful flyer and handed it to Leonard. "I'm puzzled that you hadn't seen this very professional looking flyer. It even has a website you can access if you had any questions."

Leonard looked at the flyer, and it did appear very well made. But he would expect no less from Sheldon. The webpage was also probably well detailed, down to the smallest train related minutiae. He didn't doubt it took Sheldon all night to come up with this; he did look a little tired. But Leonard had not yet finished letting Sheldon off the hook yet. "So what types of activities are there going to be? Maybe I can ask Penny if she wants to go and we can double." Leonard looked expectantly at Sheldon.

"Um. There is going to food and a prize drawing." Sheldon looked at Amy, who was standing behind Leonard, for help. She put her arms up and started swaying back and forth. "Um charades…" Amy shook her head and really started to grind her hips and gyrate pointing between her and him. Sheldon just stared at her hips and gulped. Leonard turned around and Amy stopped just in time, just a slight swaying of her dress betraying the fact that she was moving at all.

"Dancing, Sheldon. There will be dancing." Amy gave him verbal help since he wasn't getting the nonverbal clues.

"Yes, dancing. But I don't think that Penny and you would want to go." Sheldon said dismissively.

"Oh really? Why not. We would enjoy a train cotillion just as much as the next couple." Leonard crossed his arms in front of his chest and waited.

Sheldon was feeling trapped in his web of lies. The slightest twitch started to manifest itself in his right eye. Amy was a bit more composed, mostly because she had sworn Penny to secrecy about the evening's activities. She should have known that Penny couldn't keep a secret. A secret was like wine around Penny. Sooner or later it would find a way to her lips.

"You don't know the differences between the train scales, or about curve radius or grades. You'd just be lost." Sheldon tried to make the night seem dreadfully dull, but it was difficult thing to do when talking about trains.

"Does Amy know much about model trains? Won't she be bored?"

Amy had had enough of this nonsense. "Small HO trains will be able to negotiate a curve radius of about 15 inches, but longer models may require as much as twice that amount to operate reliably. Can we go now?" She strode over to the door, opened it wide and walked out.

The two boys looked at each other in shock. Leonard had been effectively shut down and Sheldon had been effectively turned on. Sheldon finally recovered and smirking walked to the door. He turned back to Leonard. "I don't think she'll be bored at all." Then shut the door and hurried down the stairs.

He caught up with her on the second floor landing. "Amy, that was phenomenal. How did you know that?"

Amy beamed. "I have researched a number of topics that should come in handy this evening. I've even did a little research on the interests of the committee members. It doesn't hurt to schmooze a little, or stroke an ego or two."

"Yes, I decided to take matters in my own hand and bought the committee members gifts."

"That's kind of a gray area in regards to ethics, but it shows initiative on your part. I'm proud of you Sheldon for thinking ahead. You didn't spend a lot did you?"

"The Jackie Chan collection was a little spendy, the Highlander collection and the box set of Roots was very affordable." Sheldon was pleased that his girlfriend had complimented him on his initiative.

"That's rather odd to choose those DVD's as gifts." Amy opened the door to the street.

"Well, Mrs. Davis is black, Professor Wu is Chinese, and Dr. Banner's surname is Scottish in origin." Sheldon was still proud of his gift selections.

Amy stopped dead in her tracks. "Sheldon, those gifts are very inappropriate and racially insensitive." She looked at her oblivious boyfriend. "It would be like because Cooper is English, giving you all the James Bond movies. But worse. Much worse."

"I wouldn't be opposed to having all the James Bond films. Oh, Dr. Who is English! Can I change James Bond to Dr. Who?" Sheldon was not making this easy.

As they buckled themselves into the car and drove away, Sheldon was given a crash course in the art of political correctness. About 17% of what Amy said was deemed valuable and taken to heart.

* * *

After the little incident in the hall, the gang began to mingle in the multipurpose room. Amy and Sheldon walked over to the refreshment table and Sheldon grabbed two water bottles, handing Amy one. They wandered through the crowd, the room getting warm with the amount of bodies in the enclosed area. Sheldon honestly couldn't recall saying more than a handful of words to Professor Tupperman in his entire time here. He was feeling claustrophobic at the multitude of people that came to pay their respects. Amy took his hand and he felt instantly calmer.

Amy took a sip of water and surveyed the room. She saw Leonard and Penny talking with an older silver haired gentleman who was having a hard time looking Penny in the eye. He was grinning broadly and laughing at the slightest thing that Penny said. At the far end of the room Kripke was wearing an oily grin and talking to the pretty African American woman he arrived with. Howard and Bernadette were next to Raj chatting to a middle aged Asian man.

"Where are the members of the tenure committee?" Amy leaned in to murmur in Sheldon's ear, causing tiny shivers to travel down his spine.

"Professor Wu is talking to Koothrappali, Mrs. Davis is by Kripke and Dr. Banner is talking to Penny's breasts." He took a sip of water. "Originally I was going to break the ice and tell Dr. Banner that he has the same last name as Dr. Bruce Banner, who as you know is the Hulk. But then I found out from the fellas that he likes to get 'handsy', and since I don't like being touched I decided not to talk to him after all." He shuddered slightly.

Amy tilted her head and gave him a wry grin. "I don't think you needed to worry about him getting 'handsy' with you. But I think Penny may have to." Amy watched as Penny pivoted with the finesse of a world class matador to avoid a pinched bottom. She scolded him in a flirtatious manner, a technique perfected from years of waitressing. Leonard didn't seem quite as forgiving and had a strained smile on his face. "Well, now that you know that the 'Incredibly Inappropriate Hulk' only gets touchy with women, we can add him back to the list. So who would you like to talk to first?" Amy looked up at Sheldon, whose face was troubled.

They walked over to Dr. Banner who was alone now that Penny and Leonard had escaped. He was swirling his ice in his drink as they approached. He gave Sheldon a polite smile and nod, and then turned his attention to Amy. "Now who do we have here Cooper?" He reached out and took her limp hand in his own, rubbing the top of it with his thumb.

Sheldon could feel lava coursing through his veins, heating his face and neck. "This is Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, my girlfriend. Amy this is Dr. Robert Banner." He noted her hand was still captured by this fiend.

"Amy what a beautiful name for a beautiful lady. You must have a hard time keeping the men away from you." He continued to rub her hand as Amy tried to pull it away. He increased his grip and used her hand to reel her in closer to him.

"Some men more than others." She leaned away from her captor.

Sheldon's fists were clenched and his teeth were set on edge. "You need to let her go."

Banner laughed loudly. "But my dear boy, maybe she doesn't want to be let go. Maybe she wants a man who is not afraid to show her how he feels. Maybe she wants a man who will give her all she's ever wanted. Who won't hide behind science and the ridiculous notion of Kolinahr." He used his free hand and grabbed a generous helping of Amy's lush posterior.

Sheldon exploded with nuclear ferocity. He pulled Amy from the lecherous Doctor and proceeded to punch the smirk off of his face. He heard nothing but the rain of his blows on the unfortunate Dr. Banner and his girlfriend calling his name.

"Sheldon."

"Sheldon?"

Sheldon started from his daydream. He looked over to Penny and Banner, Banner still reaching and Penny diplomatically avoiding his clutches. Leonard was trying to slowly steer Penny away from the situation and retain his cool. Sheldon looked back at Amy. "We don't need to talk to him Amy. In fact I would prefer if we avoid him if possible."

Amy nodded. "I doubt that he would try anything with me, but still maybe it's for the best."

"He better not." Sheldon mumbled.

Amy looked at him wide eyes sparkling with interest. "What do you mean?"

Sheldon didn't expect her to comment on what he had said under his breath. "Well, I wouldn't allow... um, some over sexed lothario to paw at you. Because that's not...um proper."

"Well thank you Sheldon. But I wouldn't want you to get into trouble because of me." She didn't know what to think about his statement. He would insult her one day and say something incredibly sweet the next. At least sweet for Sheldon. Dating Sheldon Cooper was like being on a roller coaster.

"It would be no trouble at all, little lady." He gave her hand a squeeze and led her to a circle of people.

They walked over to where Raj was talking to a bored Professor Wu. "So that was when People magazine named me in their article '30 under 30' to watch." Professor Wu smiled politely and casually looked at his watch.

"Please. That was four years ago. Are you still trying to milk that dry cow?" Sheldon shook his head. "Did you also tell Professor Wu that thanks to me you didn't get deported when your research on the predicted composition of trans-Neptunian objects ended?"

Raj was giving Sheldon the evil eye and turned a too wide smile to Professor Wu. "I did not mention that we had worked together that one time. I didn't find it important enough to note."

"You actually worked for me, not with me. Remember?" Sheldon reminded Koothrappali.

Howard was smirking at the exchange, Bernadette was pinching the bridge of her nose and Amy was failing to get Sheldon's attention by tugging on his arm.

Professor Wu was noticing the conversation taking an ugly turn and saw his chance. "If you will excuse me, I see Dr. Mauch and she owes me for taking her spot on this committee." He quickly walked away.

"What the hell Sheldon, why are you trying to ruin my chances at tenure?" Raj waved his arms at Sheldon.

"You seemed to be doing a good job of that yourself. Wu was yawning when we walked up." Sheldon shook his head and wrinkled his brow.

"I'll have you know I'm a brilliant conversationalist. If you hadn't interrupted us I could have continued entertaining him for hours."

Sheldon twisted his lips. "That's what your mother said last night." Amy looked scandalized.

"Well at least I can carry a conversation with someone without insulting them or flaunting zero gravity breasts." Raj took a large swallow of his drink.

"That is as long as they are male, or as long as you are inebriated." Sheldon huffed.

"Just because I had a drink or two doesn't mean I'm drunk. Now where is Brown Sugar?" Raj started to look around the room for Mrs. Davis.

"Rajesh, I think you need to slow down and maybe switch to water or coffee." Amy stopped trying to get Sheldon's attention as she was getting nowhere and turned instead to Raj, touching his shoulder. The arguing stopped, much to Howard's disappointment. Amy turned to Sheldon. "You stay here; I'll take care of Rajesh."

"Didn't you say that to Sheldon last night Amy?" Raj smirked. He looked at Sheldon and realized even in his tipsy haze he had gone a bit too far.

"You will never, ever say anything like that about Amy again. I don't care if you're drunk or not, do I make myself clear?" Sheldon's voice had the quiet quality of the calm before a storm. His body was rigid and his eyes gave off sparks.

"I was just fooling around Sheldon. You were just saying things about my mother too."

"Yes, but not about your nonexistent girlfriend. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes, sorry Amy, I went too far." Raj hung his head.

"Don't worry about it. Now let's get you some coffee." Amy motioned towards the drinks table.

"I don't think so. I'll take Raj, you stay here. I don't trust him." Sheldon gave Raj a look of contempt and ushered him away.

"He's such an ass when he drinks." Bernadette shook her head.

"I've said it before, he's always an ass, you ladies just don't hear it unless he's drunk." Howard chuckled. "And what's with Sheldon? Jealous much? He didn't bat an eye when Raj was saying stuff about his Mom, but one little poke at Amy, pun not intended, and he flies off the handle."

"I think he was just tired of all the juvenile behavior and wanted to stop it once and for all." Amy explained.

"No. He was fine until Raj mentioned you specifically. He was not OK when it involved you." Bernadette smiled at Amy.

"I would feel much better if instead of yelling at other people about making suggestive comments about me, he actually did something more than suggestive himself." Amy said wistfully.

"He'll get there one day. You may be collecting social security when that day comes, but it will happen." Howard's chuckle fell silent as two steely sets of eyes bored into his skull. "Just kidding." Bernadette grabbed Howard's hand and led him away like a troublesome little child.

Amy went to grab an appetizer when a voice from up on high announced, "I'd stay away from the stuffed mushrooms, I saw a guy sneeze on them." Amy looked up to find a towering giant of a man standing over her. "It's nice that there was so many people here to pay their respects to Dr. Tupperman. He was a very nice man." He offered her a large hand. "Hi, I'm Bert."

"Nice to meet you Bert, I'm Amy." She was expecting her hand to be crushed in his, but his grip was surprisingly gentle.

"I work in geology. I don't believe I've seen you around before."

"No, I work at UCLA in the neurology department. I'm just here to pay my respects." Amy smiled at this mild mannered giant.

"That's nice. Hey do you want to hear a geology joke?" Bert's eyes lit up.

"Sure." Amy grinned. His eagerness was contagious.

"OK, what do you do with a dead geologist?"

Amy shook her head.

"Barium." Bert laughed more at his own joke than Amy did.

Amy chuckled. "That's pretty funny." At this point Dr. Banner walked up to them and looked at the food. "Hey Bert, what do you recommend?"

Bert's jovial manner dried up with the arrival of Banner. "I hear the mushrooms are good." He shot a mischievous look at Amy, who tried not to giggle."

"Thanks for the tip." Dr. Banner grabbed a mushroom and ate it in two bites. "That was pretty good." He turned to Amy and she could see him shift into sleaze mode. "Hi there, Robert Banner, but you can call me Bob." He held out his hand and Amy shook it, but then he held it for a little too long.

"I'm Amy Fowler, but you can call me Dr. Fowler." Amy said a little coolly.

"Oh, Dr. Fowler. I like it. So, Dr. Fowler, can I get you a drink, or is there anything else I can offer you?" He smiled at her, wiggling his eyebrows.

"No, just talking to my new friend Bert, thank you." She turned towards Bert, when she felt the unwelcome touch of a hand on her bottom. Bert watched her placid expression turn to white hot fury in a split second.

"Are you sure?" Banner cooed in her ear a second before the heel of her orthopedic shoe stomped down on the toes of his dress shoes and twisted.

"What the hell! Crazy bitch." Banner tried to pull his foot out from under Amy's, but she had shifted all her weight on to that foot.

"Bob, you should never touch a woman unless you have been given permission to. Now go away before I start crushing things a little higher up on your anatomy." She released his foot with one last satisfying twist of her ankle.

As Banner hobbled away, Bert looked at Amy with awe. "That was epic! That slime ball has pulled that type of move with a lot of my coworkers, I'm glad you put him in his place."

"It doesn't hurt that I don't like to be manhandled." Amy shuddered at Banner's creepy touch. "It was nice meeting you Bert. I should find my friends." She smiled up at him.

"Well, if you ever find yourself wandering around the geology department, I'll give you a tour." Bert waved as she walked away, hoping he could find a sweet and spunky girl like that someday. It dawned on him later that he should have asked for her number before she left.

Amy found Sheldon and a more sober Koothrappali sitting at a table. Sheldon looked relieved that she had returned. "Where have you been Amy? I thought you would have rejoined us sooner." Sheldon pulled a chair out for her and motioned her to sit down. When she did he grabbed her hand tightly and unconsciously began to rub it.

"Did you miss me Sheldon? I have been gone for a whole," She checked her watch, "fifteen minutes."

"Did I miss you? After fifteen minutes? What type of clingy smothering boyfriend do you take me for? I was just concerned that you didn't know anyone here and there were perverts wandering about. I was concerned for your safety." Sheldon lied. He was getting better at it, but both Amy and Raj saw right through it.

"Well I guess I shouldn't walk around unchaparoned in the multipurpose room at Caltech, lest I get into an unsavory situation with an unhinged lunatic. I need my big strong man to protect me." She started to return the stroking he was giving her hand.

"Well, um, in a way." Sheldon sputtered. He knew this was dangerous territory, but he kind of liked being called a big strong man. The hand rubbing was nice as well. He turned and looked into her luminous eyes and lost himself in their depths.

Amy returned his gaze, amazed by how intimate it felt to simply stare into the fathomless blue of Sheldon's eyes. That combined with the soft pressure of his hand stroking hers made it seem like the rest of the world fell away, and that they were the only two people left in the world. Amy thought then that manhandling might not be the worst thing there was, it just depended on which man was handling her.

"Hey you two, get a room." Raj blushed.

* * *

**A/N: Yup a little foreshadowing of a TSA agent with a broken nose. Next time Sheldon wishes Amy were dead. Yeah he could be a big jerk in season 6. Hopefully I will make him a bit easier to take. Reviews are most welcome.**


	19. Chapter 19

**The Cooper Neglect Theory **

* * *

**A/N: Hey folks, just a heads up. After this chapter there is only two more. I can't thank you enough for all the support and nice reviews! Now, if Amy brought over things to help Sheldon with his closure issues, why didn't she take the jack in the box home with her? **

* * *

**Chapter 19: The Counterfactuals Cup**

* * *

"Lucky for you, 'cause I wished you were dead."

If only Sheldon had been a little quieter in his sentiment, or had just thought the words instead of actually verbalizing them he wouldn't be in the predicament he was in.

She had heard him.

She turned around slowly from the bag she had brought the evenings props in, a deck of cards in her hand. "What did you just say?" Her unsmiling face was like a glass of ice water in the face.

"N-n-n-nothing." Sheldon stammered as he looked down at the counter where the chocolate cake was a second ago... He had looked forward to a big slice of it when they were through with this torture, but now it would probably taste bitter in his mouth.

"I heard you Sheldon, clear as day. That was not very nice at all, especially after I went through all the time and trouble to help you." She threw the cards back in the bag.

Sheldon was truly ashamed at what he said. A few years ago he wouldn't bat an eye over such a comment, but now to have Amy hear him wish for something so horrible… He had to fix it. "Amy, I'm very sorry about what I just said."

Amy glared at him as she gathered up things and placed them in her bag. "Are you sorry you said it, or sorry I heard it?"

He gulped. "Both." He walked around the counter and approached his stern faced girlfriend. "Amy can you forgive me? I didn't mean it. I was just frustrated by not being able to finish anything we started tonight and struck out at you blindly."

Amy was shocked that he would admit such a thing and apologize so quickly. He truly looked remorseful, and she knew deep down he didn't really mean it. She did do more exercises tonight than he probably was ready for. She looked at the jack in the box in her hand and had a thought before slowly placing it back on the couch._ Baby steps, Amy. Baby steps. _She took the candles she had taken off the cake out of her bag and back on the coffee table. "I forgive you Sheldon. I think I pushed you too far doing so many exercises at one time. You clearly are not at a point where you can give up your compulsions so readily."

Sheldon was glad that she forgave him. He wasn't able to bear being neglected by Amy again, it was sheer torture. But the part about him not being ready to give up his "compulsions" readily. That didn't sit well. He pursed his lips together. "I think I did rather well tonight."

She smiled a little too sweetly. "I concur. Up until the point where you wished I was dead." She looked down and saw the bin of dominoes were still there and the keyboard was still plugged in and ready to go if he needed it. "You know if we had more dominoes, we could film a really neat set up for Fun with Flags."

"Oh, maybe for the 4th of July spectacular." Sheldon thought that was a wonderful idea. "See all the ways you help me." He looked back at the dominoes and felt that itch in his brain that meant that something needed to be completed. He would be happy to see her leave so he could tend to unfinished business. He strode over to the door and opened it for her. "Amy, I must say, I was skeptical at first, but this has truly been a transformative evening."

Amy played along with him and gave a wan smile. "I'm a little surprised to hear you feeling so positive."

Sheldon was all but pushing her out the door, the need to finish a task like a powerful thirst. But first he wanted to give the good doctor a little taste of her own medicine. "Well, you're an excellent neuroscientist, you're a wonderful girlfriend, and…"

Amy was no fool. But she gave him the chance to redeem himself. He could be so petty sometimes. "And?"

He gave a slight smile. He could be so petty sometimes, but he couldn't help it. "Doesn't matter, does it?"

"I'm proud of you Sheldon." This was said quietly and truthfully, he was a good sport for most of the things she had done with him tonight. She turned to go down the stairs but hesitated when she heard his voice through the paper thin door.

"And a complete sucker."

Amy had known that when she left, he would try to complete everything that they had started this evening. Why else would she leave the jack in the box and the candles behind? Sheldon may be a genius, but he wouldn't pick up on that. She wanted him to feel comfortable, otherwise she would have taken more things home with her. That last comment though meant war. Let him have his closure for tonight. Tomorrow he will be twisting in the breeze.

Sheldon was tense as he began to recreate the exercises Amy had begun. As he completed each task he felt more and more calm and gratified. Setting up the dominoes again was like winding a spring tight in his belly. The excitement was building and building until he thought he would burst. Finally he was ready and tipped the first domino over, his heart racing. He rushed to the end and watched as they fell over, hitting each other with a satisfying plastic click. As the falling dominoes neared, his heart thrummed, adrenaline coursed through his body and oddly he thought of Amy. Nine times out of ten when his body felt this way, he was thinking of Amy, with Amy or dreaming of her. The dominoes were nearly done and Amy's dizzying green eyes were before him, creating sparks in his body that increased his excitement.

The last domino succumbed to gravity and Sheldon felt a powerful release of endorphins. He rolled over groaning, Amy's name on the tip of his tongue, spent and utterly blissful. His brain was clouded with thoughts of Amy when he heard someone far away say his name. "Sheldon, you big weirdo, I want you to know that I love that you're in my life."

Traces of Amy lingered as he replied to the voice in between his pants. "I love you too."

He laid there for an unknown amount of time, his fingers and toes tingling, a feeling of weightlessness taking over. When he finally stood up, he felt better than he had in days. He went to the kitchen and cut himself an obscenely large slice of chocolate cake and savored every last bite. He then readied himself for bed.

That night he had a confusing but fascinating dream about Amy setting up hundreds of dominoes on his bed. This made no sense whatsoever, because dominoes would not be able to stand upright on a soft object like a bed. But nonetheless they stood at attention in the soft light. Amy was placing the last ones when she turned and smiled at him in that way that made his stomach flip. "Do you want to play, Sheldon?"

"To play dominoes they would actually need to be face down on the bed." Sheldon was confused that she wouldn't remember this. They had played in the past.

"No, not that way. All you need is one little nudge in the right direction, and everything will fall into place." Sheldon felt that maybe she wasn't only talking about dominoes, but he had no idea what else she could mean. "Do you want to push it over, or do you want me to?" She motioned to the first domino, pale and gleaming.

Sheldon looked at the layout. It was much more intricate than the one he had set up twice earlier that night. He thought of Amy's dainty finger pushing the domino over and the hairs on his arms stood up. But then he imagined if he initiated the tumbling of the tiles, it would be thrilling yet scary. Unexpected yet all consuming. He licked his lips. "I want to. I need to." Sheldon walked to the domino that Amy had pointed at earlier and noticed the pips. One side seven, the other three. 73 his favorite number. He placed his finger close to the domino and could almost swear he could feel heat radiating off of it. He lingered there, and looked up at Amy.

Amy's breaths were ragged, her eyes crackling with electricity like a Jacob's ladder. She urged him on. "Do it Sheldon, please."

With the tiniest flick of his finger he started the cascade of plastic down its path. He could see them fall, but he could also see Amy getting more and more excited as they tumbled. He was getting excited as well, that tight spring in his abdomen becoming tighter and tighter until…

Sheldon woke up, drenched in sweat and panting. As he regained his breath, he noticed an old familiar problem was back. The clock read 2:26 which was way too early for a shower without Leonard questioning him. He would need to wait it out or handle it. He rolled his eyes at his own stupid pun. Ten minutes later he fell asleep contentedly.

* * *

The next day at work, his email notification pinged and he realized he had a message from Amy. He read the entire message, intrigued by the suggestion and sat deep in thought composing his own email before firing off a reply to her. This was just what he needed to distract him from that bizarre domino dream. He had no idea what it meant.

That night Amy came over to Sheldon's apartment. He poured her a cup of tea in a yellow mug and set it in front of her on the table. She picked it up and sipped it. "I must say Amy, your idea of a competition was a stroke of genius." He beamed at her. "Harry Potter has the Triwizards Cup, we have the Counterfactuals Cup."

Amy smiled at him. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. "I'm glad you thought so Sheldon. I laminated the cards, here you go." She handed him ten pale blue cards. "I know you don't need them with your memory, but I thought it added a formal touch to the proceedings."

"They are very well made and you used the extra thick plastic. I'm impressed." Sheldon examined the cards carefully.

"Thanks. So to begin. I sent you ten Counterfactual questions and asked you to send me ten. We have studied them all day and now we'll play. Each correct answer is a point. Are you ready?"

Sheldon leaned over his cards. "I have been ready since this morning. You're going down, missy!"

Amy's lips twitched. "If you say so Sheldon. Since I proposed the competition I'll let you choose who goes first."

Sheldon weighed the options of going first or second. "I'll let you go first Amy. Ask away." He smiled and took a sip of tea. He had thought about the answers to these questions all day and it was all he could do to keep the answers bubbling out of him like a shaken can of soda.

Amy cleared her throat. "Ahem. In a world where clouds cover the entire sky all the time, which species teeters on the brink of extinction?"

She wasn't even trying hard. He answered cockily. "Mackerel."

"Defend."

"Due to lack of sun exposure, the human populace needs a natural source of Vitamin D not dependent on the sun. Mackerel have one of the highest concentrations of naturally occurring Vitamin D. Mackerel consumption increases a hundred fold. A short time later the Mackerel population is decimated." _Swish!_

"That is correct." Amy nodded at Sheldon. "Your turn."

"Alright, prepare to get your socks knocked off. In a world where jelly is an explosive, what is the purpose of bread?"

Amy opened her mouth to answer when her phone went off. She held a finger up to Sheldon and answered it. "Hello. All of them! OK, hold on, I'll be right there." Amy hung up the phone. "That was the lab. The night janitor found the monkeys loose in the lab, I need to go." She grabbed her purse and rushed to the door.

"But we didn't finish." Sheldon needed to know her answer.

"I know Sheldon. If I can get out of there soon, I'll come back we can continue." She rushed out the door in a panic, but after the first landing she went back to a slow walk. "Who's a sucker now?"

Amy didn't return that evening. Sheldon knew that since she had been given a list of questions in advance that she had answers for each of them. He had thought of answers for her questions and felt the need to purge them from his body. When he got a text message saying they would try again tomorrow he almost texted back that it was unacceptable. But he calmed his nerves with a cup of chamomile tea instead.

* * *

The next night they met again at his place. He went through the formalities of getting them tea, but rushed through it and sat down and felt an elusive feeling of calm. Amy sat there waiting. "Amy, I believe you need to answer the first question I asked you yesterday. In a world where jelly is an explosive, what is the purpose of bread?"

Amy's answer was incredible. His original thought was blown out of the water by her logical and well thought out answer. He had to concede. "Correct."

The next three questions went well, no one missing an answer. He was about to ask his question when Leonard and Penny came in. Leonard sat down in the chair and Penny sat down next to Amy. "What type of trouble are you two kids getting into tonight?" Penny nudged Amy in the ribs.

Sheldon gave them both a look of dismissal. "We are having a Counterfactuals championship. You should both go away."

Leonard groaned. "Not Counterfactuals!" He turned to Penny. "In a world where Amy and Sheldon play a game where the answers are randomly made up with no rhyme or reason what happens to Penny and Leonard?"

"They die of boredom." Penny was rolling her eyes.

Leonard stared at her with mock intensity. "Defend."

Penny yawned. "Do I have to?"

They both smirked at the two offended players. Sheldon looked scandalized, Amy quiet. Leonard smacked Sheldon's knee. "What do you say to some dinner?"

"Amy and I don't want dinner; we want to finish our game." Sheldon said haughtily.

"Actually some dinner sounds good." Amy admitted.

"Amy. This is the second time that we have gotten interrupted. We need to finish our tournament."

"We can finish after dinner Sheldon. It won't take long."

Sheldon's face twitched involuntarily. "Very well."

Dinner lasted longer than Sheldon liked and Penny's good friend Chardonnay made an appearance. Amy imbibed to Sheldon's chagrin and she became quite tipsy. Sheldon was disappointed in Amy choosing good times over playing games with him. Amy was in no condition to answer questions, let alone drive so Leonard took her home.

Sheldon sat there blue laminated cards in hand and sighed. Not being able to finish this game was making him anxious. First the monkeys and then this dinner and the wine. They would get through this tomorrow.

* * *

The next evening, Sheldon was looking forward to finishing the game. He just brought them both waters instead of tea because it would take too long and he wanted to start right away. They got through two questions with Amy getting a wrong answer when there was a knock on the door. "If we ignore it, they'll just go away."

"That's no way to treat your friends." Amy shook her head at them and answered the door. Bernadette and Howard were there with wine and a movie.

"We're finally here. Sorry we got stuck in traffic." Howard was smiling until he saw Bernadette stare at him and subtly shake her head.

"We weren't expecting you." Sheldon said puzzled.

"Well that's what Bernie told me." Howard looked at his wife accusingly. "I thought you said we were invited over."

"No." Bernie said between clenched teeth. "I said why don't we drop over and see if they want to watch a movie and have some wine."

Amy couldn't believe what a bad job these two were doing. Leonard and Penny were so much more convincing. "Well you're here now, let's see what you brought." Amy reached for the movie. "Wreck-it Ralph?"

"Yeah it's about video game characters; I thought it would be a blast. Plus Alan Tudyk from Firefly is a voice in it." Howard looked pleased with his movie selection. Bernie and Amy less so.

"This could be an interesting movie, if Amy and I weren't in the middle of a contest. You can show yourselves out." Sheldon pointed to the door.

Amy looked more closely at the box in her hands. "Oh Wreck- IT Ralph. I have wanted to see this movie. Can we please watch it Sheldon?"

Sheldon wanted to tear his own face off and make Sheldon face confetti. He fidgeted in place. "Amy we need to finish the game. This is the third day."

"Please Sheldon, we can finish up afterwards."

Sheldon sighed. "Fine. But no wine for you."

Amy reluctantly agreed.

The movie couldn't end soon enough for Sheldon. But when the movie was winding down he felt warmth pressing into his right side. He looked over at Amy nodding off against his body. "Amy." He nudged her, but she didn't budge. He jostled her harder. "Amy." She lolled on his side like a rag doll. "AMY." He stood up and she fell into his vacant spot waking up on impact.

"What, the? What happened?" Amy looked around confused.

"You fell asleep during this movie you insisted on watching." He didn't care that Wolowitz and Bernadette were staring at him. "Are you ready to finish our game?"

"I'm sorry Sheldon, my brain is too fuzzy from the nap. Can we wrap it up tomorrow?" Amy tried to look as pitiful as she could.

Sheldon was less than amused by all this. "Tomorrow. No excuses. No interruptions."

All three of them left shortly after, Amy awake enough to operate a motor vehicle but not answer a few questions. Sheldon couldn't believe the interruptions this week. Loose monkeys and friends that always seemed to show up at the wrong time. But wait. He thought back to the night of the monkey escape. Didn't she say she was kicked off that project for throwing monkey scat back at the monkeys? Why would they call her in if she wasn't even working with the monkeys anymore? And why would she be so welcoming to the two couples that came over? She would normally tell them to leave as well if they were doing something together. He remembered Wolowitz saying they were "late", even though they were not expected. Well at least not expected by him. It all started clicking into place. But why all these constant interruptions? What could be gained?

He sat there and slowly realized what she had done, that clever vixen. She gave him a task that was already started, thus it could not be put off and had to be completed. By constantly interrupting the answer portion of the contest, she was effectively delaying the end of the game, making him have to wait for closure. But here was the ingenious part. Since she was the only one on the face of the earth who understood that game as well as he did, he would be hard pressed to complete the tasks on his own. She had essentially placed him in limbo until the time came that they answered all of the questions together. And that was whenever she would allow it. If she would allow it.

Sheldon Cooper realized he was attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis. Big time.

He decided he would not give her the satisfaction of controlling him. He cancelled their get together the next day feigning a prior appointment, and told her he would get back to her on a time to continue their little game, which surprised Amy. He then drove everyone including Penny crazy, asking them questions like "In a world where humans are reptilian not mammalian, what would be the cause of the first World War?" and "In a world where women outnumber men 10 to 1 which sport would not be invented?" He then asked everyone else he hadn't previously annoyed, Stephen Hawking, Kripke, Stewart, Meemaw. Everyone but Amy.

* * *

Days passed, that internal spring wound tighter and tighter, his brain so incredibly itchy it ached. He sat in his spot a week later twitching and staring off into space. He had declined any attempts Amy made about getting together, determined to show her that Dr. Sheldon Cooper was not so easily manipulated. The cost to him was he wasn't sleeping or eating well and his work was suffering.

Leonard had gone from annoyance to concern. "Hey buddy, you should talk to Amy. I bet she could answer those questions for you."

Sheldon turned his haunted gaze over to Leonard. "She is the reason I am in this predicament in the first place. You know what she did? She manipulated me into becoming emotionally invested in this Counterfactuals Cup, and then left me high and dry, doling out bits of answers like food pellets."

"Why would she do that?"

"She was trying to 'help me' overcome my 'compulsive' need of closure." Sheldon felt like an idiot doing air quotes but felt they were warranted.

"If she knew how crazy this is making you I bet she would stop."

"I've never been crazy, my mother had me tested. And as for stopping her little experiment, I doubt it. She did nothing to relieve my anxiety last... week." Sheldon suddenly realized he had watched Amy pick up, then put down the Jack in the box on the couch, and take the candles out of the bag and put them on the table.

"What did she do last week?" Leonard asked. But Sheldon was out of his seat and racing to his room. "Leonard you have to drive me to Amy's place."

Leonard stared down the hallway where his roommate had fled. "It's a little late, are you sure she's awake?" When he didn't receive an answer he mumbled, "That's what I get for being concerned."

On the way over to Amy's, Sheldon became more and more agitated, fiddling with the hem of his jacket. Leonard glanced over at him. "Sheldon, you need to calm down. Amy doesn't want to find a crazed lunatic on her doorstep"

Sheldon looked at Leonard, wild eyed. "Leonard, don't you see, she gave me a way to find closure when she knew I couldn't handle it. If I ask her to, she will end this misery of mine. I can't take it anymore, she wins. I've been checkmated by Amy Farrah Fowler.

"How long will it take for her to end your misery? Am I dropping you off or waiting for you?" Leonard said dully.

"I'll call you when I get upstairs." Sheldon said eyes darting.

* * *

Amy had just went to bed and was getting that warm fuzzy feeling you get right before you drift off to sleep when she heard the triple knock on her door. It was odd for Sheldon to be here past his bedtime. He better not have his bongos with him.

She answered the door and a shiver went through her at the wild look Sheldon gave her. He stormed in through the door and slammed it shut behind him. He stood close to her with stormy eyes and said with a low growl, "Amy I need you, only you can end this misery."

Amy involuntarily took one step back from his hungry gaze and held her hand to her mouth. "Oh my!" This was better than anything she could have fantasized about late at night with Gerard humming away.

"Amy we must finish the Counterfactuals Cup. I know what you did to ease my discomfort over the exercises you gave me and I'm grateful, now I need you to open yourself to me so that I can find satisfaction." Sheldon was starting to pant lightly.

Amy was disappointed that she had misunderstood Sheldon's intentions when he had arrived, but the words he was using were confusing and titillating. She started to breathe a bit faster as well. "Very well Sheldon. Do you have your cards? Would you like some tea?"

Sheldon tore his fingers through his hair and Amy found herself under his rampant gaze again, her knees quivering. "There is no time. Do you remember the questions and your answers to them?" Amy nodded slowly, reveling at the gravel in his voice. "Good. New rule just for tonight, you only need to defend an answer if it is totally different than what is believed to be the correct answer. Agreed?" Amy nodded again, captured by Sheldon's take charge manner. "We each had ten questions; I went first so I will answer and then you." They stood three feet apart, electricity crackling between them.

Sheldon started, eyes locked on hers, the anticipation palpable. "Question one, mackerel."

Amy's answer was like a sigh. "Correct. Detonator."

"Correct. Question two, Burma."

"Correct. Errol Flynn."

"Correct. Question three, Kepler's law of planetary motion." _That vixen! She knows how much I love it when she gives me scientific questions. The only thing better is when she tells me my answer was better._

"Correct. Now I answered Thompson's gazelle to this question, but it was incorrect. You said it was plains zebra, which is the much more logical answer. Which means that currently you're winning." Amy spoke this with a low husky voice that sent chills down his back. He swallowed slowly.

"Uh, question four, the 1960's."

"Correct. Jell-O wrestling." Amy gave him a smirk.

Sheldon colored. "Correct. Question five, Mexico City."

Amy considered this then agreed. "Correct. The Pope."

"Correct. Um… question six. The um sexual revolution?" Sheldon's hands were sweaty and he wiped them on his pants. His heart thumped faster, threatening to burst from his rib cage.

"Cor-correct." Amy was a taut as a harp string watching her boyfriend answer questions so passionately. He looked like he was going to sweep her up at any moment and have his wicked way with her, which she wouldn't mind in the least. Her chest began to heave. "Charles Dickens."

"Correct. Question seven, harmonica."

Amy's eyes challenged his. "Defend."

"Because the earth's gravitational force has increased, the smaller harmonica becomes the instrument of choice."

"Sorry, Sheldon. I was thinking Ukulele." She did seem sorry.

"That is a better answer than mine Amy. Much better." He licked his lips and marveled at this intelligent creature before him. His heart rate accelerated.

"Thanks Sheldon. My question seven answer was hot springs." She took a small step towards him. She was perspiring under her flannel gown.

"Yes. Question eight, bacon." Sheldon involuntarily took a step forward. They were very close now. Her harsh breathing filled his ears and his mouth was dry.

"Correct. Pineapple." She could smell the maddening scent of baby powder and Sheldon with each breath.

"Yes. Question nine, the Treasury Department. _Almost there. Almost there! _Sheldon's eyes traveled from her eyes to her lips, then back again before dipping for a split second to her heaving chest.

"Yes. Cocker Spaniel." _Did he just look at my chest? _

"Yes!" Question t-t-ten, the Panama Canal." Sheldon was just about to tip over the edge. He placed a hand on Amy's shoulder, his touch electric.

"Yes, oh yes." Amy held her breath and said the word that Sheldon had waited all week to hear. "Manatee."

"YES, yes, yes!" Sheldon groaned, a weight lifted from him and relief and satisfaction washed over him in large waves. He puffed out his cheeks and his breathing slowed as he began to calm down.

Amy saw the tension leave Sheldon and felt bad that she was the cause of all his discomfort. She decided then and there that when you are in a relationship you shouldn't seek revenge. She swore to herself to never do that again. She put a hand on Sheldon's hand resting on her shoulder. "Do you feel better?"

Sheldon's breath had evened out and he looked content with half closed eyes. "I do. So much better."

Amy smiled at him. "Our game ended in a tie. Did you want to go into a tiebreaker round?"

Sheldon didn't want to ruin this supreme feeling of calm and satisfaction he was feeling. A feeling he began to associate more and more with Amy. He smiled back at Amy. "It's not important, it's only a game."

* * *

**A/N: Next time Professor Proton Jr. and his lovely assistant visit a nice Korean family in Alhambra. Reviews are welcome.**


	20. Chapter 20

**The Cooper Neglect Theory  
**

* * *

**A/N: We are getting close to wrapping this story up. This episode, The Proton Resurgence, didn't have any Shamy moments. So with the magic of fan fiction now it does.**

* * *

**Chapter 20: The Birthday Cake Upheaval**

* * *

Sheldon realized he had a lot of work to do before tomorrow afternoon. From his hospital bed, Professor Proton had entrusted him to mold the young minds of today into the scientists of tomorrow. He felt the same thrill now as when at the tender age of six he became a member of the Professor Proton Science Society. He still had the framed certificate at home, signed by Professor Proton himself. Then as now, he took his new responsibility of representing science seriously. Those little kids were going to be blown away by his show, but he knew he would need help. As soon as he left the hospital with the name, phone number and address of the place he was going tomorrow, he called Amy from the bus stop.

"Sheldon, how are you. Did you have a nice time with your childhood hero? I'm sorry I had to work, but those brains weren't going to dissect themselves."

"I had a wonderful time, except he took ill before we had a chance to take the pictures I wanted for my calendar."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's OK, he promised to dress up and let me take pictures when he felt better." Sheldon said reassuringly.

"No, Sheldon. I meant that I was sorry that he was sick. Is he doing well?"

"He is, but he won't be able to perform tomorrow in Alhambra. That's why I called you. I'm going to fill in for him at the party, but I need a few things. "

"What do you need?"

"I need to borrow a lab coat and I need a ride to Alhambra. I'm supposed to be there at 1pm tomorrow. I have Arthur's case, with his props he uses for his show."

"I can find you a lab coat and take you there tomorrow. Anything else that you need?

Sheldon saved the best for last. "I need you. Badly."

Amy's ears pricked up. "You need me?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to assist me tomorrow? It's for science." Sheldon knew she couldn't tell science no.

She let out her held breath and felt foolish yet again for thinking that his request was related to sex. "If it's for science, then I have no choice. Science always comes first."

"Arthur told me I could use the name Professor Proton Jr. so we need to come up with a catchy name for you as well. I find the use of alliteration makes for a good name. How about Dr. Diode or Ms. Molecule?"

Amy frowned. "They sound like James Bond villains." She pondered for a moment. "What about something more casual like Nancy Neutron?"

"Nancy? You're not a Nancy, You're Amy. Don't even joke about that!" Sheldon didn't care for that at all. "Nancy." He muttered.

"Well then how about Atomic Amy?"

"You know, that's pretty good." Sheldon agreed. "Atomic Amy it is. It makes you sound like a superhero."

"So do I need to dress up in any special way for tomorrow?" Amy asked.

Sheldon fretted. "Oh if I had the time I could have made you an atom costume, but its too short of notice. Maybe next time. A lab coat will just have to do for now."

The thought of Sheldon measuring her inseam for a costume gave Amy tiny little shivers down her spine. "Yeah, that's too bad. So what experiments are you thinking of doing?"

Sheldon thought she would never ask. "I planned to do experiments that Arthur did on his show, the sodium acetate tower, the potato clock, the air pressure egg, stuff like that."

"Sheldon, kids today may want something a little more...flashy."

"Flashy?" Sheldon snorted. "Professor Proton was extremely entertaining without trying to be 'flashy.' This isn't Siegfried and Roy. Its science." He looked at her sternly.

"You can do the regular routine, I'm just saying you may want to throw in something that is a bit more exciting."

"Science is exciting. If these kids can't appreciate the wonders of a hard boiled egg being sucked into a beaker, I weep for the future." Sheldon spat out.

"OK Sheldon, have it your way. I'll see you tomorrow at 12:30."

"Good. See you then."

She hung up the phone and sat there for a while thinking about what he said. She then decided that it was always nice to have a plan B, and started to gather some things together.

* * *

When Sheldon opened the door for Amy the first thing he noticed was her hairstyle. "Amy, what did you do to your hair?"

It was pinned up in a loose bun, with a few tendrils coming loose already. Free of the silken curtain of hair, her pale neck was exposed. "I thought I'd try my hair up for a change. Do you like it?" She posed one way then the other in her lab coat, her naked neck distracting him.

"You've never worn your hair up before." He was scrutinizing her head from every angle.

"I put it up in the shower on days I don't wash it. But no, I have not worn it up to leave the house before." The way Sheldon was looking at her made her feel that he hated it.

_Great, now I'm picturing her in the shower. _His eyes followed the curve of her neck one last time. "Its fine." he said, trying to hide the fact that he liked it a little too much.

"That's always nice to hear from your boyfriend. 'It's fine.'" She muttered.

Sheldon's Vulcan hearing caught this and his stomach flipped due to the fact that she took it as a compliment, instead of the neutral comment he was going for. "What I meant is that it shows off your neck too much. It might give men the wrong impression."

She frowned at him. "It might give men the wrong impression? What is that even supposed to mean?"

"It's a lot of...bare skin." Sheldon gulped.

Amy stared at him with her mouth open. "Sheldon it's my neck for crying out loud. I'm fully clothed. Next you're going to say that I shouldn't expose my ankles because it would be scandalous." She rolled her eyes. "Anyway, men can take their 'wrong impression' and stuff it. It doesn't matter what a woman wears, men should behave themselves." She stared Sheldon in the eye, challenging him.

"I-I'm behaving myself." Sheldon stammered.

She sighed. "I know. You always behave yourself."

Sheldon looked at her puzzled. Women truly were walking contradictions.

They went down to Amy's car and Sheldon was surprised that she didn't open the trunk. Instead she opened the rear passenger door. "The trunk is full, just put your case in here."

"What do you have in the trunk?" Sheldon asked.

"Oh just some bags, an ice chest. It just would be easier to get your case out of the back seat." She answered nonchalantly.

He loaded the case and they headed to the birthday party.

* * *

Sheldon rang the doorbell to the modest white stucco house. The shrill bark of a dog overpowered the sounds of happy yelling kids. A man opened the door to find two strangers in lab coats on his doorstep. At his feet he pushed a small, hairy dog back from the open door with his foot. The dog was still barking. "Knock it off, Lucky." The dog stopped barking but began to growl instead. The man turned his attention to the people at the door smiling. "Professor Proton Jr. I presume."

"Yes. Professor Proton fell ill and asked if I could substitute for him." Sheldon explained.

"Well that's a shame that he's sick. I hope he'll be alright. I was really looking forward to meeting him. I used to watch him when I was a kid. It made me want to be a scientist when I grew up."

"Did you follow your dream?" Amy asked.

"Nah, I went into the family business, sporting goods. My dad is the sporting goods king of East L.A. Names Wayne Chung." He extended his hand to Sheldon.

Sheldon just stared at it. Amy stepped in and shook his hand. "Amy Fowler. Nice to meet you. This is Sheldon Cooper." She motioned to Sheldon.

"Dr. Sheldon Cooper." Sheldon corrected.

Wayne looked at him strangely. "Well come on in. The kids are already here. They are jumping around in the bouncy castle. You can set up in the living room." He led them over to the room where a card table and chair were standing at the end of the room. "Do you need anything to help you set up?"

"No we should have everything we need thank you." Sheldon shook his head. "We should be ready in a few minutes."

Wayne nodded and walked away towards the sound of laughing and yelling children, dragging the dog by the collar. Sheldon started to get nervous. "You don't think there are more than seventy children do you?"

"I'm pretty sure Sheldon. Seventy kids wouldn't fit in here anyway." Amy started to open the case.

"How many children do you think would cause injuries if they rioted?" Sheldon asked her, potato in hand.

"Sheldon, the children are not going to riot." Amy shook her head.

"I'm guessing a dozen would leave permanent scarring." Sheldon turned back to Amy, who was digging around in the case. He was able to observe that creamy neck without distraction.

Wayne came in from the back patio door. "Are you ready for the little ones?"

Sheldon puffed out his cheeks and exhaled slowly through his mouth. He looked at Amy who nodded cheerfully. "Ready as we'll ever be."

Mr. Chung went back outside. "OK guys, it's time for a science show. Come on inside. It should be pretty cool!"

They could hear a bunch of small footsteps pattering on the patio coming towards the door. Sheldon braced himself for the thundering horde. About fifteen seven year olds came streaming in the door, laughing and talking. Among them were about five adults and two bored looking teenage boys. They came in and curiously eyed the two people in the living room in the white lab coats. As he counted over a dozen kids, Sheldon stood up straight and tried to look unconcerned. Children, like dogs, can sense fear.

The children began to sit on the floor in a semicircle around the table. He looked nervously at Amy, who smiled encouragingly.

"Hello small humans, I am Professor Proton Jr. and this is my assistant Atomic Amy." He gestured to Amy who gave a small wave. "Who here likes science experiments?" A few small hands were raised. "Well prepare to get your socks knocked off as we show you the wonders of science."

Sheldon picked up the potato along with a clock and some wires. "Now I will show you how by just using this potato, I can make this clock work."

A little boy in the front piped up, "I've seen this done with a lemon."

"Well Professor Proton Jr. likes using potatoes." Sheldon replied, not looking at the boy.

"You can use a lemon as well. They both can conduct electricity and keep the copper and zinc ions separate." Amy chimed in. "Professor Proton Jr. will demonstrate." She did her best Vanna White wave towards the potato.

Sheldon got everything hooked up and the clock was indeed working. Some of the kids looked impressed, the others looked bored. A few took out their cell phones.

"Next up, look a simple hard boiled egg. If I put the egg on the top of this beaker nothing happens, but it I heat the air inside…" Sheldon performed the experiment perfectly, and when the egg sucked into the beaker most of the kids were impressed. But not very excited.

Sheldon leaned over and whispered to Amy, "They don't seem like they are enjoying themselves.

Amy whispered back, "Try having a volunteer help you."

Sheldon pointed to a little uneasy looking girl in the front row. "Can you help me with the next experiment?" She stood up and walked over to Sheldon, her hands folded over her stomach. He crouched down next to the small girl. "Now, we are going to experiment with non-Newtonian fluids. If you mix one part water with two parts cornstarch, you can get a fluid, that under stress can resemble a solid. There are quite a few non-Newtonian fluids that the human body makes. Can you give me an example of one?"

The little girl gave Sheldon a miserable look and promptly vomited over his entire torso.

The kids erupted into cries of "eeew" and laughter. The little girl began to cry, and Sheldon began to freak out.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God." A steady stream of pleas to a deity he didn't believe in, came out of his mouth. He carefully peeled the lab coat off, folding it inside out. He started to remove his shirts as well.

"Sheldon, not here!" Amy hissed at him. But it was too late, Sheldon had removed the shirts, careful to avoid getting the vomit near his face. She grabbed some paper towels out of the case and began to wipe Sheldon's chest, quickly at first, but her movements slowed as she realized what she was doing. Her gaze lingered on his pale skin and thin yet muscled frame. Her eyes were drawn to the small patch of chest hair he had. She remembered something Bernadette had said towards the end of a girl's night after a fair amount of wine. "Howards got just enough chest hair for traction, so you don't slip off." Amy smiled. Traction was important.

Sheldon probably would have been freaking out over Amy's touch, if his freak out over being covered in vomit hadn't taken precedent. "Is there a bathroom?" He asked a woman who popped up out of her seat when the vomiting started.

"Down the hall, straight ahead." She pointed across the room. "I'm very sorry Professor. Please use the shower if you need to. Towels are in the cupboard. Oh and make sure the door is shut firmly, it doesn't latch sometimes." She turned to Wayne. "See this is why I wanted to serve cake after the bouncy castle, not before."

Sheldon raced down the hallway starting to unbutton his pants. Amy hoped he made it in the bathroom before he was undressed.

Wayne approached Amy. "I think I have something that may fit him in the garage. I have some clothes from the store in there." He left and returned with a gold colored basketball jersey and shorts. "Sorry, this is all I have that may fit him. He can keep it. We can wash his clothing now so he can have it to wear home."

"Thank you. Let me go get the rest of his clothes." Amy walked down the hallway and knocked on the bathroom door. She could hear the water running. "Sheldon, I have a change of clothing for you, sort of. Can I come in?"

Sheldon froze in mid scrub. "I don't think that is a good idea."

"Sheldon, I have clothes for you. You're in the shower right?"

"Correct. That's why you shouldn't come in." _Did he have to spell it out for her?_

"The shower curtain will preserve your modesty. I promise I won't look." Amy was getting exasperated.

"But Amy, I'm naked." He hissed.

"I certainly hope so, you're taking a shower. I'm coming in." Amy twisted the knob and slowly opened the door. Steam billowed out of the bathroom in moist clouds.

"AMY!"

"Sheldon, I'm just collecting your dirty clothes and leaving clean ones. I will try to control my baser urges and not rip the shower curtain back and ogle you."

He felt his heart thudding in his chest. "See that you don't."

He heard nothing for a little bit, and then he heard Amy giggle then say, "Interesting."

Sheldon began to panic. "Amy, you said you weren't going to peek." He stuck his head out of the shower curtain.

"No, these are interesting." She picked up his red and blue underpants. "Spiderman?"

Sheldon's eyes grew round. "Amy, put those down. I don't want you touching my unmentionables."

"I don't remember you having these." Amy said waving the briefs around by the waistband. She had once looked in his underwear drawer before and they were all white.

"How familiar are you with my underpants?" Sheldon asked incredulously. "Put those down!"

Amy put the underwear down. She may have gone a little too far. "Sorry Sheldon. Mr. Chung said you can have these. They're brand new, though not conventional clothing. I'll take your dirty clothes and pop them in the wash."

"Leave the Underoos. I'll wear them again." Sheldon glared at her. He drew his head back into the shower.

"Fine." She scooped up his pants and left, shutting the door lightly behind her. She actually thought he was taking things quite well. For Sheldon.

* * *

Sheldon turned off the water and instantly felt cool air blowing in the shower. He peeked out of the shower and saw the door was partially open. He wrapped the towel around him and moved quickly to shut the door.

A few minutes later, a peeved Sheldon emerged wearing a sleeveless basketball jersey and long shorts. He was not pleased by the choice of clothing, but at least it wasn't covered in vomit. The problem was Amy took his underwear after all and he was not comfortable walking around without underpants. He crept down the hall, feeling exposed. He saw the two teenage boys coming his way. "Excuse me, have you seen the woman I came here with?"

"Oh yeah, she ran to her car for something. Man, she's got that whole sexy librarian vibe going on." The first boy said wistfully.

"What do you mean sexy librarian? She's a scientist." Sheldon stated.

"No, you know. The glasses and the bun. She looks all prim and proper, but then she pulls off the glasses and shakes that hair loose and BAM, she becomes this insatiable sex machine." He fist bumped his friend and laughed.

"Yeah, I wouldn't mind 'experimenting' with her. She's got a hella nice ass." The friend agreed. They continued to walk down the hall to a room and closed the door.

Sheldon stood there speechless, forgetting why he was mad at Amy, his mind racing and his body feeling warmer and warmer.

"Are you OK there?" A deep voice asked him.

He snapped out of his daydream and looked at the gentleman with the salt and pepper hair. "Yes, I was just looking for Amy." He said quietly.

"Don't you mean Atomic Amy? She is a really nice lady. She's been entertaining the kids while you were cleaning up. She was getting something out of her car. Come sit down over on the couch." He motioned for him to sit down. "I'm Wayne's father, Lee."

That's when Amy came in with a cooler and bag in one hand and a bubbling beaker in the other. The children's eyes widened and they started to get excited. "Alright kids. When you breathe in, you take in oxygen, which your body needs to survive. When you exhale you release carbon dioxide as a gas. This is frozen carbon dioxide, so it's in a solid form. When the frozen form touches air it reverts back to its gaseous state. When you add water it looks like its bubbling because it's releasing the gas back into the environment." She put the beaker on the table. "I don't want anyone to touch this because it's dangerous, but I have some other things you can touch."

"That is one remarkable woman. Smart as a whip, but not talking over the kid's heads. Easy on the eyes as well." The older man stated. Sheldon hoped he wouldn't mention she had a hella nice ass. "She isn't Mrs. Proton is she?"

"No. But she is my girlfriend and yes she is quite remarkable." Sheldon admitted.

"Hold on to that one my boy, I can tell she's a keeper. I've been married for almost forty years and I can tell that you two have what it takes to make it for the long haul." He smiled at him reassuringly.

"You've just met us, how could you possibly know?" Sheldon asked.

"I saw how you two interacted during the show. That's why I thought you were already married. I can tell you care for each other very much."

"Yes, well we're not anywhere near getting married." Sheldon huffed.

Lee chuckled. "I hit a sore spot, huh. Well let me give you one bit of advice before I shut up. Do everything in your power to make that woman happy, and she will gladly return it tenfold. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find my son." He rose from the couch and walked towards the kitchen.

Sheldon looked back at Amy who was blowing up milky colored bubbles with dry ice. She had a huge smile on her face as she answered the kid's questions and urged them to get involved and touch and play with the bubbles. He thought of Lee's last words to him and he looked back at Amy. She saw him watching her and smiled at him. It was remarkable how everything seemed better when she smiled at him. He almost forgot the humiliations and difficulties from this afternoon. He smiled back at her. She gave him another few seconds of her dazzling smile, and then turned her attention back to the kids.

He watched her interacting with the children effortlessly for an hour. She had the patience of a saint and the children seemed to like her experiments.

Wayne's wife came out of the garage. "Your clothes are almost dry; they should be done in about ten minutes. I'm sorry you got barfed on."

"Thank you. I appreciate the change of 'clothing.'" Sheldon said.

"It's the least we could do." She turned her attention to the children. "OK kids, it's time for the piñata. Say thanks to Professor Proton and Atomic Amy." Several disappointed voices sounded at the same time. "Come on guys, they have to teach other children about science too, we can't keep them all afternoon."

The kids all said goodbye and started to troop outside reluctantly. Sheldon stood up and walked over to the card table. "You did a phenomenal job with those kids."

"Thank you Sheldon. I really like kids, and this group seemed very interested in science."

"I saw that you brought dry ice and some other "flashy" things." Sheldon noted.

"I did. I felt that it wouldn't be a bad idea to have a backup plan."

"As always Dr. Fowler, thinking ahead." Sheldon acquiesced.

"This is a good look for you Sheldon." Amy smiled. She couldn't help herself. Her eyes roved over his bare arms and down his legs.

"Stop looking at my legs." He said anxiously. "Speaking of my attire, I have a bone to pick with you. Because you took my Underoos after I told you not to, I have been afraid of moving around too much because of lack of...support." He turned red and looked away.

"You mean you're not wearing any underpants." Her mouth went dry. "I didn't take them."

At this moment the kids started screaming and laughing like crazy. Lucky came running in the open patio door with red and blue material in his mouth.

Sheldon turned beet red. "I think Arthur owes me enough pictures for** two** calendars."

* * *

**A/N: Please, please, please never name a pet "Lucky." They always have the most horrendously bad things happen to them.**

**Next time: Sheldon erotically caresses Amy's nose, among other things. Please review.**


	21. Chapter 21

**The Cooper Neglect Theory**

* * *

**A/N: Oh hey, remember me? Yeah, I'm sorry, this final update is very late. Fate and Luck were holding me by the arms while Life was punching the tar out of me. But things have improved, thank goodness and I finally finished writing the last chapter of this story. Thank you for your patience.**

**Tried as I might, I could not get this last chapter to fit under the guidelines of a T story. So this final chapter is rated M. **

**It is not graphic per se, but a bit saucier than the rest of the story.**

**So without further ado:**

**The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko! The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko! The Dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko! Sorry. Needed to get that out of my system.**

**Chapter 21: The Polyhedral Pleasuring**

* * *

To Amy, life just wasn't fair.

She had been officially dating Sheldon for a year and a half and he hadn't even touched half of what this hulking beast of a woman had in the last ten seconds. The pat down had started out pretty usual, until Amy realized that this woman was touching places that Sheldon had shown no interest in even acknowledging existed. As the agent's hands traveled along her breasts, a thought dawned on her. At the rate Sheldon and she had been progressing with their relationship, he wouldn't get this familiar with her breasts until they were in their late forties. She was forced to face the facts, nobody was interested in her physically, except this woman with no neck, whose job it was to touch her. She sighed heavily. The woman in front of her roved over her breasts again with a smirk. Her pat down seemed to be taking longer than the ones she had witnessed in line. A lot longer in fact. This also seemed to interest another TSA agent who was watching the extended pat down with a frown. The woman had traveled down her front yet again and was running a hand up her skirt when Amy snapped and hauled off and punched her in the nose with a closed fist. She immediately apologized, even though the lady seemed to be taking undue liberties with her hands. The other TSA agent that witnessed the much too thorough pat down spoke up for Amy, which was fortunate. That's the only reason Amy could think of why she didn't end up in jail that night. She was pulled aside and ticketed, her luggage returned to her and she was told to leave the airport immediately.

The other girls saw what happened and collected their things and joined her. She encouraged them to go on to Vegas without her, but they refused to, saying it wouldn't be the same without her. So not only was Amy wallowing in guilt over them missing out on their girl's weekend. She also had a looming court date for assaulting a government employee. And she was sure that the pat down was the most interest anyone would have in her body for many years to come. She sat in the cab on the way home in stony silence, the other two ladies not able to get more than a word at a time out of her on the way back.

* * *

When they got to the apartment, all Amy wanted to do was to go home and curl up into a little ball in bed. Leonard however encouraged her and the other women to stay and join them in playing Dungeons and Dragons. With only minor objections from Sheldon this time and Howard's approval, they settled in to build their characters.

Sheldon leaned into Amy's shoulder and pointed to the elves on the glossy page of the player's handbook. "Amy, I would recommend an elf like my character, Sheldor. Elves can see in low light, have a high perception level, so they can see hidden objects easier and they are nimble so they can disregard rough terrain." She noticed his eyes sparkled as he warmed up to one of his favorite subjects. "They are highly intelligent and they have a racial bonus that allows you to reroll if you don't like your first roll." He looked at her coyly. "Plus, elves have pointy ears like Vulcans." He gave her a disarming half smile, which made her knees knock.

Amy looked over the character book and found a tough looking, no nonsense type of creature. "This half-orc seems like a tough customer. They can see in the dark up to 60 feet and can sometimes speak to dragons and giants. And they have pointy ears too!" Amy smiled at Sheldon.

"But Amy, orc are dumb and clumsy. They just crush things and grunt. Don't you want to be smart, agile and immortal?"

"Maybe I want to experience something I wouldn't normally choose. Maybe instead of being cerebral and law abiding, maybe I want to be a character on the edge of polite society." She turned her head to Sheldon and realized as she was saying it who she was talking to, and that she was probably wasting her breath. "Sheldon, don't you ever want to do something that is unexpected and totally out of character? This is a mystical land of make believe, you could be whomever you want, with magical powers. So I am going to go against what I would do every day of my life and become a skull crushing, brute of a half-orc."

An hour later a human sorcerer, a half-orc warrior and a Halfling rogue joined the elven wizard and human paladin on the other side of the hidden door in the dimly lit dungeon.

Magic potion was passed around and they settled into the game. Though the boys were a little rattled at the girls taking control of the dice and rolling it themselves, they soon got caught up in their excitement. The girls seemed to bring the energy of a Vegas craps table to the dungeon of Mofooskay-Heeko. Everyone was on their feet and cheering as the two ogres were soundly defeated, making ogre Thanksgiving a sad holiday indeed. Amy was having the time of her life. She had always wanted to play D&amp;D, but she never had anyone to play with. Her face was beaming and she noticed that Sheldon was having a blast as well. He would whoop when a hit landed, and marveled at the characters that Howard created. Over the course of the evening they came across an ooze, a lich that sounded like Robin Williams and a handful of bugbears that should have been named Moe, Larry and Curly. A secret passage led them from the dungeon and into an area ringed with active volcanoes.

After a while the other girls were really starting to enjoy themselves, even Penny. Especially after the second pitcher of Margaritas was poured.

They had just dispatched a dragon that sounded like Christopher Walken when the combination of too much potion and the irresistibility of her husband's sexy and creative mind struck Bernadette suddenly. "This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master."

Howard loved it when Bernadette got a little tipsy. The things that tiny woman could do to him. "Oh, yeah? Well, when we get home, I'm gonna take you on a whole different adventure."

Sheldon could not remember the last time he had this much fun playing D&amp;D. It had truly been a marvelous night. "Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in."

"Sheldon, they're talking about sex." Amy couldn't believe that Sheldon was still clueless about such things.

"Oh, then I'm out."

If Penny would have had one less drink in her, she probably wouldn't have said anything, but the potion was definitely in control. "Ooh, I have an idea. Since it's not happening any time soon, why don't your character and your character do it in the game?" She pointed to Amy and then Sheldon.

Amy's jaw dropped open at this suggestion. Her hands became moist, and embarrassment began to prickle at her skin.

Bernadette's tequila soaked mind also thought this was the best idea Penny ever had. "Oooooh!" Sheldon and Amy turned their wary gaze to the tiny biologist. She tapped her husband on the arm "Come on, back me up here."

"Oooooh!" The diminutive couple squealed together.

"Okay, I cast a love spell on Sheldon and Amy." She pointed at them, not noticing that both of them were struggling with what she was saying. Sheldon seemed taken aback at this latest development that never reared its ugly head at any prior games of D&amp;D, and Amy with a look of hurt and betrayal.

Leonard let out a high pitched squeal. "Oooooh! Sorry, I thought you were gonna do that." Leonard quickly became embarrassed and looked at his character sheet.

Sheldon knew that this tomfoolery Bernadette was trying to start was moot. There wasn't really a love spell per se in Dungeons and Dragons. The closest you could get was to use the spell "Wish", but Bernadette wasn't powerful enough to use it, didn't have the required experience cost, and wasn't clear enough in her wording of the spell. Even if she could cast such a powerful spell, there was often a downside to having your wish come true unless you were very specific in your intent. Sheldon was secure in the fact that Howard, being a responsible DM was going to set his wife straight. That is why it came to a great shock to him when he heard the clatter of the die as Howard rolled his fate out on the table.

Howard was all for making Sheldon squirm any chance he could. And sex was an excellent way to do it. The dungeon master was stretching the rules tonight anyway, so why the hell not? "The love spell takes effect." Howard relished the panicked look Sheldon gave him. "When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he's ever seen, and he's overcome with a desire to rip her armor off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks…" He stumbled over his words, as Sheldon wide eyed, hung on his every syllable. "Well, just like Sheldon, 'cause apparently she's into that."

At these words Amy's dismayed look dropped from Howard and down briefly before turning to her unusually quiet boyfriend. Sheldon turned away from Howard as well and caught her gaze, locking eyes with her. She was unable to fathom what he was thinking. He appeared stunned as well, but also eerily calm. She kept waiting to hear him strongly object and was surprised that he didn't. He had voiced his opinion to the most trivial things earlier, like accusing Leonard's paladin as slipping from lawful good to lawful neutral and harping on it for ten minutes. Her stomach churned as she felt all eyes upon her, and only Sheldon's didn't seem to be mocking her.

Howard's silky smooth voice broke the silence, goading them into action. "What do you do?"

Penny's words were still ringing in Amy's ears. "_Since it's not happening anytime soon." _Amy had felt like the laughing stock of the group ever since she had started to show an interest in the more physical aspects of an adult relationship with Sheldon. It was bad enough for one or two of them to make unkind comments. But for all of them to do so at the same time was too much for poor Amy to rose suddenly and pushed her way past Sheldon speaking in a flat voice,"I don't like this." She fled down the hallway away from the tormenting eyes of her friends to the quiet sanctuary of Sheldon's room.

Everyone felt horrible after Amy left, the guilt cutting through the fuzziness of the alcohol. They knew they had gone way too far, and should have known this was a sore spot for Amy. They had all been on the victim side of bullying, except for Penny, but even Penny knew that she should have never brought up the subject.

Sheldon felt a sense of relief, but it wasn't as complete as he thought it would be. He thought everything would have gone back to normal after getting out of virtual coitus while his friends watched. But something still bothered him, something made his brain itch. He hated that Amy felt the need to flee from the group. He hated that some hippy dippy part of him almost wanted to see the love spell through. And he hated how playing Dungeons and Dragons with women complicated everything. "You see what happens when you let girls play D&amp;D?" He shook his head and looked down to his character sheet.

"Sheldon. Amy didn't do anything wrong. We shouldn't have pushed things that far." Penny said.

Bernadette whispered into Howard's ear. "I feel like we sold Amy out after six months of advice and support. I feel awful."

Sheldon's keen sense of hearing caught every word. "What do you mean sold Amy out? And what is this about advice?" Sheldon looked at them with narrowed eyes.

Howard knew Sheldon wouldn't leave them alone until he received an explanation. "We may have been giving Amy advice on how to manip…" Howard felt the sharp elbow of his wife in his ribs. "Er, I mean how to be a better girlfriend."

Sheldon looked at the couple indignantly. "But Amy already is a good girlfriend. Except for always insisting on hand holding. She eats all the Brazil nuts out of the mixed nuts so I don't have to look at them, she makes me spaghetti with bits of hot dogs in it and strawberry Quik. She watches my shows with me even though she doesn't appreciate them like I do, she let's me pick out restaurants that are on the approved list. She consoles me when I'm sad." Sheldon looked down at his hands and continued in a soft voice. "She helps me understand confusing nonsense such as this. We take care of each other when we're sick. We understand one another when no one else does. We challenge each other intellectually, we make each other laugh." He looked back up at Howard and Bernie. "So how can you say she needs to be a better girlfriend?"

No one spoke for a while, but Penny and Bernadette's eyes were bright with tears. Leonard spoke to Sheldon quietly. "It seems like Raj and my advice helped you be a better boyfriend as well."

Penny looked at Leonard. "You and Raj were giving Sheldon advice too?"

Before Leonard could answer Sheldon did. "It wasn't anything groundbreaking, mostly just worn out old chestnuts about listening to Amy and hokum about feelings. I could have gotten the same advice from watching a Hallmark channel movie." He rolled his eyes.

"Well, since you are so in tune with how to handle relationships, why don't you go and comfort Amy." Bernie challenged him.

"She doesn't need comforting, she just needs some time alone." Sheldon insisted. He never knew how to handle weepy Amy.

"How can you go from being so sweet and making me tear up, to being the most insensitive clod on the planet?" Penny smacked Sheldon on the arm and he flinched as if she had bruised him. "Go to Amy and comfort her, she's upset." She pointed down the hallway. Sheldon rose slowly and slunk off down the hall like a whipped dog. Penny turned to the rest. "So you two were helping Amy out." She pointed at Howard and Bernie. "And you and Raj were helping Sheldon be a real boy instead of his regular wooden self. Why didn't anyone tell me?"

The three looked guilty and couldn't look her in the eye. Leonard took a deep breath. "Raj and I were trying to keep Amy from knowing that we were helping Sheldon. And since you two are besties, we felt that maybe you might spill the beans and tell Amy."

"Howie and I felt the same way when we gave Amy help with Sheldon. We know he likes to confide in you." Bernie said apologetically.

"You know, I can't believe that no one said a word up until now. That never happens." Howard mused. "I wonder what was different this time?" Bernie looked at him and tilted her head at Penny and nodded. "Oh yeah that." Howard mumbled at his wife.

* * *

Sheldon had made it to his bedroom door. He stared at the door, unsure of the protocol of opening the door. He decided to play it safe and knocked.

Knock, knock, knock. "Amy."

Knock, knock, knock. "Amy."

Knock, knock, knock. "Amy."

"What?" Came the reply from within.

Sheldon opened the door to find Amy sitting on his bed. He felt that increasingly familiar burning sensation in the pit of his stomach, the one he associated with Amy. "I've never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride."

"You don't have to come in here and cheer me up."

"Thank you." He said exasperated. "Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise."

Amy turned to face him more, voice tinged in sadness. "I'll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke."

Sheldon couldn't fathom why anyone would think that. "Well, I don't think our relationship is a joke. I think "A horse goes into a bar, bartender says, 'Why the long face?' that's a joke. It's a good one, too, because a horse has a long face." He chuckled, and then bit his lip because he sensed that Amy wasn't in the mood to laugh.

Amy needed to ask a question that she was afraid of knowing the answer for. "Sheldon, are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?"

Sheldon was not expecting such a direct question. "Oh, my. That's an uncomfortable topic." He was surprised not at the drop his stomach did at his words, but at how eerily calm he was able to answer her question. He didn't try to lie or misdirect her or change the subject. He felt he owed her the truth. "Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone."

"And now?" Amy's hopes hinged on his next words.

A few beats passed before he answered. "And now what?"

The man could be so infuriatingly dense for a genius. Her words came out with a bit of an edge as her eyebrows furrowed. "Do you have any interest now?"

Sheldon thought about this. The same question would have brought a firm and definite, "No" a few years ago. But there have been changes of late. Curiosity that needed satisfying. The impenetrable door labeled coitus that had been padlocked shut with two deadbolts and a time lock, was now cracked open just a sliver. And the holder of the keys to that door sat before him, forlorn on his bed. "I have not ruled it out."

"Wow. Talk dirty to me." If Amy wasn't wallowing in self pity, his words may have had more impact, but to poor Amy it just sounded like more foot dragging and more reluctance.

Sheldon thought that she would have been pleased by his admitting that he was not totally against more intimacy. He felt that he had given of himself more to her, than he had for anyone else, and felt that she had given more of herself to him than anyone else as well. "I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate."

As he said this she felt a bit guilty, realizing how much she seemed to push Sheldon into fitting in with a "normal" modern relationship. They were not "normal" by far. And just because the more rapid timeline worked for others didn't mean that either of them may be comfortable with that progression. The point that their relationship was at now, was unimaginable to Sheldon or herself before they met. The problem was that once Amy got a little sip of the tall drink of water that was Sheldon Lee Cooper, she became very thirsty indeed. Positively parched. "I guess I know that. It's just, part of me wants more."

He knew that she wanted more, but was afraid if he gave her more that she wouldn't stop. Or worse that he wouldn't be able to stop, his hind brain taking over his body and one day he would be sitting alongside Wolowitz in engineering building doo dads."More? I mean, look at us. It's only been three years; here we are in bed together."

Amy couldn't help but grin at this. She could see that he thought he was moving at the speed of light with this relationship, when it was more akin to the progression of a glacier. She realized that at least tonight there was forward momentum and decided to torture him no longer. "Come on. Let's go back out there." She started to rise.

He didn't want the evening to end like this. With Amy's spirit bruised yet again. "Well, no. Hold on." His hand softly restrained her arm and she settled back down. Sheldon became suddenly shy, his gaze flicking between his bedspread and Amy's face as he realized what he was proposing. "My... elven magic-user... and your... half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that though." He didn't tell her that Bernadette couldn't have cast the spell in the first place and therefore the effects didn't need to be resolved. He would keep that little factoid to himself.

"O-o-okay." Amy had read the descriptions of all the characters and was pretty sure that Bernadette wouldn't have been able to successfully cast that spell is she were covered in pixie dust and rubbing a magic lamp. But she was going to keep this knowledge to herself.

"I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armor. He threw the die. 16. "It comes off."

"Oh." Amy's hand flew up to her lips. Sheldon had never said anything even slightly suggestive to her before. Her pulse quickened and her blood felt like it had been replaced with hot syrup.

"What do you do?"

Amy's voice was quivering. "I-I-I kiss you on the lips." It almost sounded like a question. She noticed that Sheldon was hanging on every word.

"I kiss you back on the…" The die settled on the book. 15. "Lips as well. Your turn."

"I remove your armor. What do you do?"

Sheldon's eyes dipped down to her breasts. He took the knowledge gained from that book they had given him and applied it to the situation at hand. "I erotically caress your…" Amy leaned in eager to see the result as he threw the die. 1. "Nose."

"Keep rolling." Amy commanded him.

Sheldon immediately picked up the die and rolled again. 10. Not the best outcome, but he could work with it. "Thigh." He breathed out, trailing his eyes from the die to the hem of her beige skirt. His gaze traveled up to Amy's sparkling eyes, hoping this was acceptable to her. She didn't say a word, just began to breathe harder. His breath hitched in his throat as he asked, "What do you do?"

Amy's heart was thumping in her chest; she could almost imagine Sheldon's fingers softly meandering up her thigh. She attempted a swallow, but her throat was impossibly dry. "I shiver at your touch. Then I kiss you again...deeply, my fingers locked in your hair."

Sheldon looked a little taken aback. "You shiver at my touch?"

Amy gave him a little smile. "Well yes. I'd imagine it would feel nice." She colored and looked down. "Reacting to events is part of the game so…" She looked back up into his startled blue eyes and challenged him with her glowing green embers. "What do you do?"

Sheldon was still trying to wrap his mind round Amy shivering at his touch. She had never shivered before when he touched her, but this was a different situation than holding hands for a flu shot. Could he make her respond that way again? He met the challenge of her eyes with steely blue determination. Holding her gaze he said, "I kiss you back deeply and firmly grab your…" He rolled the die and flicked his eyes down briefly before recapturing her gaze. 16. "Buttocks, then pull you flush against me." He saw her eyes widen, her hand went to her mouth again. He growled at her. "What do you do?"

Amy's breaths were steady and heavy as she bit her lip thinking. She maintained her eye contact with Sheldon and answered in a husky voice. "I grind myself against you, my breasts pressed against your chest, my hips against your hips. What do you do?"

Sheldon swallowed hard. "I...moan at your touch. My erection is pressed against you." He looked away from Amy, embarrassed but excited at his bold words. "I guide your hand to my..." He grabbed the die and rolled. 8. "Chest."

"What would it have been if it was a higher number?" Amy questioned him, breathlessly.

"My... penis." Sheldon said licking his lips.

"Oh my!" Amy felt way, way too warm, but knew Sheldon would flee if she took off her cardigan while they were doing this.

Sheldon also had developed a sheen of perspiration as he croaked out, "What do you do?"

"I rub my hands over your muscular chest and down your taut belly, till I reach the edge of your tunic. I pull it over your head and remove it. I slowly caress your bare chest and gaze with need into your brilliant blue eyes."

"Um. My characters eyes are green, like yours."

"Just for tonight can they be blue?"

"Al-alright. I guess that's only fair since I'm not picturing you with four breasts covered in hair."

_Sheldon is picturing my breasts!_ "Good it's settled then. It's your turn."

"I…" He sent the die tumbling. 18. "Remove your tunic and kiss my way down your neck. You?"

"I groan and run my hands over your strong back. You?"

"I pull you down to the moss covered ground and attempt to remove your leggings." The die tumbled. 19. "They slide off easily. Your turn."

"I remove your leggings as well. I nip and suck on your neck. Your turn."

"You're biting me?" Sheldon asked.

"Well yes, not hard. It won't leave a mark or anything." Amy assured him. "It's just something that I think would feel good, in certain areas."

"Fascinating." Sheldon's eyes found her chest again. "Very well then. I begin to nibble your…" He rolled. 2. _Drat! _"Wrist." He picked up the die again.

"Sheldon, it's not the best place to be nibbled, but I think I would like it." She squirmed on the bed, imagining his large hand around hers as his lips and teeth grazed her pulse point.

"I do have a saving throw being an elf, and you can't get much lower than 2 so…" He picked up the die again and rolled it. 3. "I nibble your… knees?"

"Yeah, that could work. I tell you it feels good as I run my hands through your hair."

"But that wasn't what I was trying for, Amy, I wanted 13 or higher." Sheldon seemed disappointed in how the seduction by numbers was going.

"Well what happens when you're on a quest and you roll low numbers?" Amy asked.

"My character ends up dead and I lose the game." Sheldon said dejectedly.

"Well my dear Dr. Cooper, no one is going to die playing this game and we are both going to end up winning." She beamed at him. "I know you like to excel at everything you do, but a couples first time sometimes doesn't go smoothly. So keep trying and frankly I wouldn't mind being nibbled on by you in either of those places." She rubbed her hand over her knee unconsciously, but Sheldon took notice as he watched as her hand caressed the thin material of her tights. "What body part is 13 anyway?"

Sheldon hesitated in his vocalization of the parts in question, but his eyes instantly dipped to her bosom and lingered until he caught himself staring and turned his burning face away.

Amy Farrah Fowler had just been openly ogled. And it was her new favorite thing. "Oh, those." The words came out breathy and soft.

"Um yeah, those." Sheldon took a deep breath to calm himself and exhaled through his mouth. Without looking at her, he threw the die. 8. "I nibble on your belly." He rolled again. 6. "Now your neck."

"Mmmmm." Amy moaned, getting a curious look from Sheldon. Her breathing became uneven and she spoke in a breathless fashion. "I nibble you back on the neck and whisper, 'Don't stop.'" She looked at him with half-lidded eyes.

Sheldon felt a coil of flame ignite in his belly. He rolled a 19. "I continue to nibble on your soft neck."

"Oh yes. My hand traces down to find your manhood, hard and ready. I stroke it" Amy purred softly.

Sheldon looked wide eyed at Amy, who was wringing the hem of her skirt exposing a bit more upper leg than Sheldon had seen before. He grabbed the die and it almost slipped out of his moist palms. 10. "I nibble your...thighs." He rerolled another 6. "I'm nibbling your neck again."

"Yes, oh yes! I writhe in pleasure. I nibble your cute pointy ears gently." She looked at her flushed and rapidly breathing man and used a bit of knowledge to her advantage. "If you were a Ferengi, you would be through the roof right about now."

Sheldon looked up quickly from the die, his gaze colliding with hers and Amy saw his eyes shift to a dangerous shade of blue, crackling and sparking with desire. Sheldon determinedly picked up the die again and rolled. His eyes releasing hers for a heartbeat to see the result. 12. His voice a whisper. "I nibble on your lips." He hesitated for a moment, eyes flicking to Amy's slightly parted lips then down to her chest. It was a decent roll but not that elusive 13 he so badly wanted. He reached for the die but stopped himself. He clasped his knees, rubbing them nervously. He looked up at Amy, who had a tiny smile on her face. Amy looked at him understanding his dilemma. She looked down at the die then back at him and gave a slight nod. He picked up the die again and rolled it around in his hand, Amy's eyes recapturing his, but his hand stopped as there was a knock on his door.

Penny had lit into Leonard, Howard and Bernadette about not being kept in the loop, or being asked for advice. After letting them have it, she realized that Sheldon and Amy hadn't returned yet. She convinced Leonard to go with her and check on them. Leonard knocked on the door. "Hey, you guys have been in there for a while. You doing okay?"

"We're fine, thank you." Sheldon's annoyed reply came through the door as he swirled the die in his hand and prepared to let it fly.

"Okay, we just want to say, we feel really bad about…" Penny began.

"Go away! Sheldon is nibbling on my... 14! Yes!" Amy couldn't keep still and bounced on Sheldon's bed excitedly.

Sheldon was relieved that he finally got the 13 or higher he needed. He impatiently waited a minute till his Vulcan hearing told him that Leonard and Penny had left them in peace. He glanced back to Amy who was so excited she was finding it difficult to hold still. He then fixed Amy with a wicked look, which inflamed her loins. "I finally find my way to your breasts and nibble on both of them at my leisure."

Amy inhaled sharply, pressing the palm of her hand against her chest as if to keep her heart from bursting from her ribcage. "Y-you do?"

"Yes." He gave her breasts a lingering look and then focused on her dilated and round eyes. "What do you do?"

"I need you to take me. Now." Amy said in between deep breaths. Sheldon's eyes widened now as he gulped. "In the game, Sheldon." _Although..._ "I beg you to take me, as I squirm under your ministrations. I'm delirious with desire for you."

"As I am for you. I position myself between your legs and attempt entry." Sheldon rolled the die, Amy leaning over the book to see the result. 9. _I missed? _He looked up to Amy, her lips in a thin line. He was not going to disappoint Amy today. "I rub myself against you, teasing you." He picked up the die again and reached for her hand. He hoped she wouldn't mind that his hand was sweaty, but clasping hers he found her palm moist as well. He dropped the die.17. "I enter you."

Amy slowly rubbed her thumb on his hand. "I quiver with pleasure and grasp your backside, pulling you closer to me."

"I groan and…" 15. "Kiss every part of you I can reach as I speed up my movements." He started to stroke her hand with his thumb as well.

"I match your rhythm, my fingers gripping your back, your name on my lips." Amy said breathlessly.

Sheldon rolled the die in his palm. 14. "The tension that has been building within me is almost unbearable. I stare deep into your eyes, and ask if you're close."

"Before you can finish asking if I'm close, I climax, moaning and calling your name." Amy's thumb had sped up, making tight circles against Sheldon's hand.

Sheldon rolled a 20. "Your climax triggers me to reach mine. I cry out your name, 'Amy, Amy, Amy' as I fall spent against your body and softly kiss your lips." Sheldon's grip on her hand tightened as he talked.

Amy felt a thrill go through her as she realized he used her name instead of her characters name. She wondered if he did it on purpose, or had simply forgotten. But how often did Sheldon Lee Cooper forget something? "I hold you tight to me, hoping that this moment never ends."

The die landed on 17. "I stroke your hair and tell you that I'll never leave you, that you are mine forever." Sheldon whispered as his gaze turned to their joined hands.

_What was that? Oh my God, was that for me or the orc? Me or the orc? _Amy felt like she had just been struck by lightning. "S-s-so Ravadiana shouldn't worry that Sheldor would leave her for a beautiful elf or a dwarf lady with a mountain of gold?"

Sheldon looked at Amy puzzled. "Dwarf women have beards. I don't like facial hair on myself, let alone someone I would be kissing."

Amy shook her head at him. "No Sheldon, I meant is it true that my half-orc can be secure in the knowledge that your elf is telling the truth? Will he never leave her and is she his forever?"

Sheldon knew they were entering dangerous territory again. But they had just played an erotic dice game together and the world didn't come to an end. He looked back down at their joined hands. "Amy, Ravadiana should be secure in the knowledge that there is nothing that she could do that would ever make Sheldor leave her. He may go on a quest without her, or there may be other circumstances that make him leave her side but they are bonded together and can never be parted for long. There has been no other for Sheldor and there will be no other ever." He raised his face to meet her eyes, finding them glistening. "Amy? You're not crying are you?"

"No, no. I'm fine. Really well." Amy smiled at him.

"Good."

"Did you enjoy yourself Sheldon?" Amy asked hopefully.

"I did. I was quite frustrated that I kept rolling low numbers when I just wanted to get to your breasts."

Amy chuckled and blushed. "Well sometimes the journey is half the fun. I certainly wasn't complaining."

Sheldon gave her that half-grin that drove her mad. "Did you enjoy yourself?"

"I did. I never thought Dungeons and Dragons could be so exciting."

"Me neither." Sheldon said under his breath. He gave her hand a final squeeze before releasing it. "Shall we rejoin the others?" Sheldon put his die back in its bag and picked up the train book.

"Yes. I just need a minute. I'll be out soon." Amy promised.

Sheldon rose and put the book and die away. He opened the bedroom door and turned to Amy, giving her a warm smile before closing the door gently behind him.

Amy let out a satisfied sigh. Never in her wildest dreams did she expect tonight to end in the way it did. Instead of a hazy drunken girl's night in Sin City, she spent the most exciting night of her life playing a "game" with her brilliant handsome boyfriend. And in playing that "game" she fell even deeper in love with him than she had been before. But even better than the faux fornication was the promise that Sheldor made to Ravadiana. That she was his and that nothing she did would cause him to leave her. Ravadiana was one lucky half-orc.

But not half as lucky as Amy.

The End

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**A/N: Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has read this story, reviewed it or added it to one of your lists. You are a big reason that people like me write in the first place! **

**I know there are people out there that aren't fans of season 6. Sheldon can be a jerk more times than not. I hope that this story made season 6 a bit more palatable to some of you.**

**As always reviews are welcome.**


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